Hello everyone. Originally, this post was supposed to be devoted to the year 1978, however something came up, and by something, I mean this 2.2 million-dollar, 5,420 sq ft 4 bed/4.5 bath house in Colt’s Neck, NJ.
You see, usually, when a listing goes viral, I’m content to simply retweet it with a pithy comment, but this house genuinely shook something in me, genuinely made me say “what the (expletive)” out loud. It is only fair to inflict this same suffering onto all of you, hence, without further ado:
Looks normal, right? Looks like the same low-brow New Jersey McMansion we’re all expecting, right? Oh, oh dear, you couldn’t be more wrong.
Guess who’s making a list and checking it twice?
Guess who’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?
Guess who’s coming to town?
Guess who’s coming to town to drag your ass into hell?
A gentle reminder that it is not yet Thanksgiving.
But oh. Oh. It continues:
If you’re wondering what’s happening here, you’re not alone, and sadly there is no convenient way to find out via a kind of haunted house hotline or something.
I can’t even label these rooms because frankly I’m not even sure what they are. All I am sure of is that I want out of them as soon as humanly possible.
How is it that a room can simultaneously threaten, frighten, and haunt me? Me, of all people!
My eyes do not know where to go here. They go to the window, they go to the fireplace, they go to the massive mound of fake plant and statuary currently gorging on the leftmost corner of the room, they go to my hands, which are shaking.
“Hello, I would like to get in touch with the Ministry of Vibes? Yes, I’ll hold.”
I haven’t been this afraid of a shower since I went to Girl Scout camp in the fifth grade and there was a brown recluse spider in the camp shower and I screamed until the counselor came in and told me it was only a wolf spider but it turns out those still bite you and it hurts.
I love watching Still Images on my Television Set :)
Nobody make a sound. He’s watching you.
i spy with my evil eye:
:)
Their souls are trapped in these photographs forever :)
Okay, phew, we made it out alive. Here’s the back of the house I guess.
Well, I hope you’re as thoroughly disturbed as I am. Seriously, I’m going to have trouble sleeping. I mean, I already have trouble sleeping, but this is just making that existing problem so much worse.
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OOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE UGH COMES SWEEPIN’ DOWN THE PLAIN!
McMansion Hell is back from the Finals From Hell and do I have a treat for y’all:
Hoo boy, this house is wilder than a collegiate football rivalry, with a roofline that’s probably the most mountainous geography in the whole state. This wonderful 1998 abode, featuring 4 beds and 5 baths, tops out at around 6500 square feet. It can be all yours for around $750,000 USD!
Without further ado:
The Lawyer Foyer
✓ Topography joke ✓ Typography joke
“Those DANG Girl Scouts always coming around these parts asking for a handout! Who do they think we are, Uncle Sam?!” “Grandpa, can we please not talk about this at Thanksgiving dinner?”
Dining Room
Side note: I just watched Seinfeld for the first time (I know, I know), and I have to say everyone who is painting their kitchen cabinets muted colors right now is only a collection of cereal boxes away from imitating Jerry’s kitchen.
Great Room
Wait a second, what the heck is that reflection in Mirror No. 1?? Mother of…
This is more goth than that time I told myself in the 10th grade that I refused to date anyone who didn’t in some way resemble Robert Smith from The Cure.
Speaking of dark…
Hell’s Kitchen
(Combining two jokes in one): Hell has a foyer just for the lawyers, amirite??
Living Room
Antique Roadshow, 2026:
Announcer Bot 3000: My goodness! This is the largest collection of bland, mass produced art I have ever seen! Don’t you realize what this means?
Collector: *face brightens up in astonishment*
Announcer Bot 3000: You’re going to be a five-dollar-aire!
Collector: …oh.
Master Bedroom
Having a babby ceiling fan just to cool you off during the two times a year you guilt yourself into using the elliptical is the perfect demonstration of the sheer fecklessness of stupidly wealthy people.
Master Bath
Nothing makes for a relaxing, soothing bath like being reminded of the brief period of innocent joy prior to the imminent Fall of All Mankind.
Bedroom 2 (Mustache Room)
Congrats to these homeowners for making beige walls and ceilings somehow goth.
Sadly, there’s no shots of the rear exterior (I can only assume the realtor was blinded by what they saw), but don’t worry, this rec room more than makes up for it:
Rec Room
>mfw
Well folks, that does it for our Oklahoma House! Join us this weekend for a special Looking Around (on sound), and next Wednesday for our Oregon McMansion of the Week! Have a Happy Winter Festivities Session!
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Hello friends! I just realized I forgot to tell everyone that I wasn’t going to post this Sunday in order to catch up on work in preparation for finals.
I hope to make up for it with this very sad house.
Some houses require lots of creative backstories to make them fun because they are so boring. This house was so pathetic and sad that I really didn’t need to add many jokes about existential dread, late capitalist irony, or divorce. It kind of speaks for itself.
To give you an idea, this is the most positive picture in the bunch:
This…house, built in 1995, boasts a whopping 5 beds and 6 bathrooms - and can be yours for around $700,000 dollars. Shall we?
Great Room (no foyer pics, sadly)
I told you it was depressing. There’s really no hope for that particular shade of oak in today’s housing landscape. The only time you see wood in that color these days is in Bass Pro Shops and unfortunate log cabins.
But it’s okay, because they HAVE
THE DANKEST SITTING ROOM EVER
LOOK AT IT. Just…feast your eyes on its majesty.
Ok, back to the depressing:
Sitting Room 2
Okay, I’ve never seen drawers beneath a fireplace before. What could you store in them besides fire supplies that wouldn’t get super damaged? Also the placement of the fireplace is just…bizarre. I’m not a fire safety specialist but I am concerned.
Dining Room
I don’t hate my family, but if we all had to sit in that room together, all bets are off. “Honey, will you pass the potatoes?” “No. No I won’t.”
This Kitchen
Also the stairs on the right are carpeted, and it’s ugly carpet.
The Master Bed
I kind of get the high ceiling thing if this is the alternative. $700k and y’all can’t spring for something better? At least the trim is white.
Master Bath
“Brown is an earthy color, warm and inviting. One can definitely not draw comparisons between brown and a common bathroom function.” - The Lowes Bathroom Decoration Book, 2004 Edition, probably
Also I went with the wholesome meme™ his and hers joke just to cheer everyone up a bit during these hard times invoked by having to look at this insufferable place.
Bedroom 2
My gosh this is sad.
Bathroom 2
That window roof access came real handy Jimmy’s sophomore year of high school.
Bedroom 3
will the sun ever come?
Downstairs
I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Bar
Suburban alcoholism is especially depressing because it’s a 30 minute car ride to and from the nearest liquor store so you have extra time to be alone with your self-loathing thoughts.
THAT IS SO DARK!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS HOUSE IS DOING TO ME????
Eldritch space
I personally would have killed to have been that unsupervised as a kid.
Finally (finally) our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
This just defies logic. DEFIES IT.
Anyways, that’s it for Iowa! I will actually post my Sunday post this Sunday, so get ready for some good time 18th century architectural theory. Also, join me next Wednesday for Kansas!
Hello Friends! If you, like me, are currently enrolled in higher education, I’m sure you are probably in what is known as academic hell, AKA the last few weeks of April. I hope that this post cheers you up as you are undoubtedly procrastinating doing something extremely important and also time-sensitive because you are so physically exhausted that you have entered a state of nihilism you did not think possible until this very moment.
But hey, it could be worse - you could be this:
This house, built in 2000, boasts a whopping 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms - which can be yours for the low price of $1.1 million dollars. Onward!
Entry
This is an A) really cramped and B) really confusing cathedral of wasted space. I know that architectural symbolism tells me that I go out of the door with the bits of mass-produced art glass around it, but what if I’m feeling defiant? What will I walk into? (It’s probably coats.)
gr8 r00m
I know there’s no such thing as absolute proportions, but Blondel was kind of right when he said that letting up on the rules would invite architectural chaos. It just took like, a few centuries.
not so gr8 room
I knew a lot of people growing up who were not allowed to eat Thin Mints because god forbid they get a little chubby when they went to college - oh how then will they ever seduce a wealthy doctor/lawyer/financier to marry them only to buy a huge house and get divorced ten years later? Ah, the cyclical family traditions of the Southern Nouveau Riche™~
Dining Room
“Mom, I’m not taking your dumb china. Bryce and I are moving into a tiny house.”
Kitchen
What do you mean Rem Koolhaas didn’t write Junkspace about kitchen end cabinet displays? (I’m real into Rem jokes these days. Must be the season.)
Master Bedroom
OK, I spelled gingham correctly this time do not yell at me in emails anymore. Also, don’t yell at me in emails about dumb B- political jokes because I mercilessly laugh at said emails with my friends over drinks. Mercilessly.
Master Bath
woo, I’m on a roll also those lights are in fact upside down
Bedroom 2
Ah, it’s always fun times when McMansion Hell and Actual Hell converge.
Bedroom 3
yeah, this was a little dark. Also can we all lol @ the idea that adult coloring books are supposed to be zen and chill but in reality you end up spending an hour meticulously planning your color scheme and fretting over coloring tiny repetitive bits the wrong color???? Or is this just me?
Bedroom 4
The saddest thing ever is people telling boys they’re not allowed to feel. The other saddest thing ever is this room.
hmm
god it really is exam season if the jokes are this dark. Almost as dark as that brown carpet.
Rec Room
team booze kitchen
Theatre
(resists urge to make PBS funding joke because it kills me inside)
Finally, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Ah my fun new article for [clickbait]: You and your siblings reimagined as bay window layouts on a garbage tract home (Number 3 is sooo true!)
Well, friends that does it for this particularly cruel iteration of the 50 States! Stay tuned next week for an Iowan McMansion, and for Sunday where I don’t get distracted by chocolate this time and post about dead guys who argue about architecture. Have a great rest of your week!
