Hello folks! I apologize if some of these jokes don’t make sense, I’m still recovering from an unfortunate bout of food poisoning. Did you know that in Maryland, restaurants are not required to display sanitation scores? Wild!!

Anyways, today’s house is situated in the rural Oregon forest. This is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, there are fewer people around who have to look at it. On the other hand, millions of deer have to suffer its injustice.

This ~5,000 square foot white wonder, built in 1994 boasts 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. It could be all yours for just $850,000!

Lawyer Foyer

The best part is the very strange positioning of the chandelier, caused by the ubiquitous desire to hang it so it can be seen through the foyer window while having to reconcile the fact that the ceiling is a geometric train wreck.

Living Room

Someone older than me please tell me if this is what Victoria’s Secret used to look like in the 1980s.

Dining Room

Honestly, having read enough about the ancients, they’d probably be okay with the carpet column. That level of self-indulgence is very Roman.

Kitchen

I seriously wish Martha Stewart’s Cracker Barrel® Kitchen was a real book you could buy. It seems so real, yet is too good to be true.

Bedroom

“Maximalism” is code for “bringing back Laura Ashley”. Also I’m sorry for making the cheap Pacific Northwest natural light joke - I’ve been suffering from a really bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder this winter and it’s no joking matter. :(

Master Bedroom

This room is larger than the average Baltimore apartment. I’m not kidding, I’m in fact, upset,,

Master Bath

I don’t know why I like the hunter green velvet valances, I just know that I do. Sometimes people have bad ideas. Nobody’s perfect. If you can’t love me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best. Don’t tread on m- you get the point.

Reject Room

This took a dark turn.

Man Office™

Very Cosmopolitan Literature That Is Not Just for Middle-Aged Men

Bedroom 3

Real Talk: Wuthering Heights makes me cry every time, without exception.

Well, we’re out of fun rooms, which leaves us with our best friend in the whole world:

Rear Exterior

Cool that Shrek finally found a lit vacation home. Good for him.

Anyways that does it for Oregon! Stay tuned for another installment of Looking Around, and for next week’s Pennsylvania McMansion!

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50 States of McMansion Hell: Lane County, Oregon