(back of a quirky literary novel voice): Sometimes, things are not what they seem. An architecture critic disappears for three months to follow bike racing around Europe, rife with questions of becoming and desire. A real estate agent uploads a listing to an aggregator, knowing that it will be a difficult sell but thinking not much of it, for, like Tolstoy’s unhappy families, all houses are difficult to sell in their own way. A house is built in 1980 in Staten Island and would have thrived as an anonymous bastion of tastelessness had the internet not been invented. But the internet had been invented. All of these things are brought together here, through truly unlikely circumstances.
Let’s not bother with the formalities this time.
None of you will buy this house.
Sitting Room
Does anything here make sense? The periwinkle sofa, the twinkling of bronze glass, a truly transitional material, a mall exiting stagflation and entering the sultry trap of Reaganite libertarianism that would leave it empty twenty-five years later. The sense that one is always changing levels, trapped in a landing of some sort, never quite arrived on stable footing. But that’s just the style, one assumes. One foot in the seventies, with all their strife, one foot in the beginning of what felt like the end of history. One’s ass on the iridescent pleather sofa, waiting for the centuries to change.
Sitting Room II
My suspicion is that there are no pictures of the mirrored mystery foyer because the photographer’s identity would be henceforth revealed, and the point of all real estate photography is for the viewer to imagine themselves as the only person in a given space.
Dining Room
The shinier things are, the richer one is, obviously.
Kitchen
This serious sociological research also happens to coincide with the Giro d'Italia, one hopes.
Landing
(crediting @cocainedecor on twitter for their term. but also, where can i get some chevron mirrors, asking for a friend.)
Master Bedroom
just asking questions
Bedroom 2
Ostensibly bad opinion that I will nevertheless defend: the corner bed slaps, let’s bring it back.
Basement
(Staten Island accent): Hey, I’m workshoppin’ some metaphors here!
Alright, we’ve entertained this monstrosity enough - time to wrap things up.
Rear Exterior
You know, McMansion Hell has been around for five years now, and has coined many terms - an art, ahoy matey, lawyer foyer, brass n’ glass, pringles can of shame - but I have to say, I hope fireplace nipples also sticks.
Anyway, that’s all for 1980 - join us next month for 1981.
Hello Friends! Sorry this post is so belated - between traveling to New York and Columbus as well as midterms, it’s been a rough two weeks for me. Luckily, the worst seems to be over.
Speaking of the worst…
This stunning (and I mean stunning) 1990 house, boasting 4 bedrooms and 5.5 baths tops out at around 5,500 square feet. It can be all yours for around $2 million USD! I hope you like white, because that’s what most of this house is.
Lawyer Foyer
Sometimes I was mean to my little sister, but then she got bigger than me and I stopped. Sorry sis.
Kitchen
A lot of this blog is based off of my personal experiences, including the HOA joke – there was a neighborhood near where I grew up in North Carolina that banned basketballs. It wasn’t until I got much, much older that I understood why.
(Insert Chain Hang Low joke)
Living Room
It’s astonishing to me that the people who built this house managed to cut so many corners that it is expressed in the architecture of every room.
Master Bedroom
Me, (good, pure): the padding is great for acoustics!
Master Bath
If anyone ever tells you that you need to lose 40 pounds before a cocktail party, I hope you throw your chianti blend right in their caked on, Estee Laudered face.
Bedroom 2
“Anyone who dare lie in this bed is cursed to never sleep, for the dull roar of chintz on chintz shall always rouse them to startled wakefulness.” - The Laura Ashley Book of Scary Stories
Bathroom 2
for reference, my pants:
Bedroom 3
Our final room of the week:
Bathroom 3
My other favorite thing is when people put signs in their house that say “KITCHEN” and “LAUNDRY”.
Anyways, it’s time to wrap up our tour with our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
I spend all my time defending architects, I might as well take a crack at them every once in a while.
That does it for New York, folks! Stay tuned for this weeks edition of Looking Around about American Foursquares and next Tuesday’s McMansion from my home state, North Carolina! Have a great weekend.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
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