Hello Friends! Sorry for the late post - I got distracted yesterday by taking a moment to enjoy the beautiful weather after shutting myself in various libraries for so long as to not see the sun. :)
Welcome to Kansas - the heart of America. [Insert Wizard of Oz joke just to get that out of the way]. Did you know that Kansas was also the inspiration for the 19th century mathematical fantasy Flatland? Wow! The longing for topological variation explains the rather mountainous layout of our lovely estate:
This classic Beigehaus™ was built in 1996, and boasts 4 bedrooms + 4.5 baths, totaling around 4800 square feet. It can be all yours for the LOW LOW price of 25,060 payments of $19.95 + S&H. Sorry no CoD.
Law Student Foyer
The carpet on the stairs is what gets me. I swear I’ve stared at that floor in some sort of big box store as an impressionable child and it is here to haunt me for buying beer at Walmart over winter break.
Foyer/Dining
Maximalism is coming and it is difficult to get right. I’m talking very, very, very, very difficult. I am going to have A DANG FIELD DAY and I CANNOT WAIT.
WHOLESOME LIVING ROOM
Because I know most of you are going through finals right now, I wanted to provide to you a small island of wholesomeness to get you through your day! Please remember to drink lots of water and take good care of yourselves during this time of deep strife.
:)
Place of devoted labor
My mom is ready to pistol-whip the deer that have decided to stage a coup against her valiant attempts at landscaping. Also dumpster rococo is 100% a reverb-saturated girl band.
Sitting Room where people actually sit
i am a v sensitive girl and hunting makes me sad bc i love birds & other folk and think the whole sport is only acceptable to control the deer population whose natural predators have been driven away due to habitat loss so people can build their fake ugly houses with massive useless lawns.
Area for Mastication
sponge paint that looks like a wet kitchen sponge that is nearing the time for replacement = methodology becoming metaphor or something dumb like that.
Kitchen
I like my friends and want to acknowledge and appreciate them :)
Master Bed
That sitting area could be a 1996 exhibit in a design museum. That green marble tho.
Master Bath
gotta give people credit when they try.
Bedroom 2 [sad]
I can’t not be dark - I still have 2 exams next week.
Basement
Ah, high school - a time when I thought my classical music career would swiftly and effortlessly take off.
And finally, our friend the rear exterior:
Is there a new fancy 8-letter literary term for the deliberate subversion (really a deconstruction, thanks Derrida) of grammar and syntax in internet humor yet? Because I’m p sure high school English teachers would love that.
Anyways, that does it for Kansas! Based on current exam priorities, there’s not going to be a Sunday post next week, but the schedule should be back on track the week after. Stay tuned for Wednesday’s Kentucky McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Hello friends! I just realized I forgot to tell everyone that I wasn’t going to post this Sunday in order to catch up on work in preparation for finals.
I hope to make up for it with this very sad house.
Some houses require lots of creative backstories to make them fun because they are so boring. This house was so pathetic and sad that I really didn’t need to add many jokes about existential dread, late capitalist irony, or divorce. It kind of speaks for itself.
To give you an idea, this is the most positive picture in the bunch:
This…house, built in 1995, boasts a whopping 5 beds and 6 bathrooms - and can be yours for around $700,000 dollars. Shall we?
Great Room (no foyer pics, sadly)
I told you it was depressing. There’s really no hope for that particular shade of oak in today’s housing landscape. The only time you see wood in that color these days is in Bass Pro Shops and unfortunate log cabins.
But it’s okay, because they HAVE
THE DANKEST SITTING ROOM EVER
LOOK AT IT. Just…feast your eyes on its majesty.
Ok, back to the depressing:
Sitting Room 2
Okay, I’ve never seen drawers beneath a fireplace before. What could you store in them besides fire supplies that wouldn’t get super damaged? Also the placement of the fireplace is just…bizarre. I’m not a fire safety specialist but I am concerned.
Dining Room
I don’t hate my family, but if we all had to sit in that room together, all bets are off. “Honey, will you pass the potatoes?” “No. No I won’t.”
This Kitchen
Also the stairs on the right are carpeted, and it’s ugly carpet.
The Master Bed
I kind of get the high ceiling thing if this is the alternative. $700k and y’all can’t spring for something better? At least the trim is white.
Master Bath
“Brown is an earthy color, warm and inviting. One can definitely not draw comparisons between brown and a common bathroom function.” - The Lowes Bathroom Decoration Book, 2004 Edition, probably
Also I went with the wholesome meme™ his and hers joke just to cheer everyone up a bit during these hard times invoked by having to look at this insufferable place.
Bedroom 2
My gosh this is sad.
Bathroom 2
That window roof access came real handy Jimmy’s sophomore year of high school.
Bedroom 3
will the sun ever come?
Downstairs
I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Bar
Suburban alcoholism is especially depressing because it’s a 30 minute car ride to and from the nearest liquor store so you have extra time to be alone with your self-loathing thoughts.
THAT IS SO DARK!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS HOUSE IS DOING TO ME????
Eldritch space
I personally would have killed to have been that unsupervised as a kid.
Finally (finally) our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
This just defies logic. DEFIES IT.
Anyways, that’s it for Iowa! I will actually post my Sunday post this Sunday, so get ready for some good time 18th century architectural theory. Also, join me next Wednesday for Kansas!
Hello Friends! If you, like me, are currently enrolled in higher education, I’m sure you are probably in what is known as academic hell, AKA the last few weeks of April. I hope that this post cheers you up as you are undoubtedly procrastinating doing something extremely important and also time-sensitive because you are so physically exhausted that you have entered a state of nihilism you did not think possible until this very moment.
But hey, it could be worse - you could be this:
This house, built in 2000, boasts a whopping 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms - which can be yours for the low price of $1.1 million dollars. Onward!
Entry
This is an A) really cramped and B) really confusing cathedral of wasted space. I know that architectural symbolism tells me that I go out of the door with the bits of mass-produced art glass around it, but what if I’m feeling defiant? What will I walk into? (It’s probably coats.)
gr8 r00m
I know there’s no such thing as absolute proportions, but Blondel was kind of right when he said that letting up on the rules would invite architectural chaos. It just took like, a few centuries.
not so gr8 room
I knew a lot of people growing up who were not allowed to eat Thin Mints because god forbid they get a little chubby when they went to college - oh how then will they ever seduce a wealthy doctor/lawyer/financier to marry them only to buy a huge house and get divorced ten years later? Ah, the cyclical family traditions of the Southern Nouveau Riche™~
Dining Room
“Mom, I’m not taking your dumb china. Bryce and I are moving into a tiny house.”
Kitchen
What do you mean Rem Koolhaas didn’t write Junkspace about kitchen end cabinet displays? (I’m real into Rem jokes these days. Must be the season.)
Master Bedroom
OK, I spelled gingham correctly this time do not yell at me in emails anymore. Also, don’t yell at me in emails about dumb B- political jokes because I mercilessly laugh at said emails with my friends over drinks. Mercilessly.
Master Bath
woo, I’m on a roll also those lights are in fact upside down
Bedroom 2
Ah, it’s always fun times when McMansion Hell and Actual Hell converge.
Bedroom 3
yeah, this was a little dark. Also can we all lol @ the idea that adult coloring books are supposed to be zen and chill but in reality you end up spending an hour meticulously planning your color scheme and fretting over coloring tiny repetitive bits the wrong color???? Or is this just me?
Bedroom 4
The saddest thing ever is people telling boys they’re not allowed to feel. The other saddest thing ever is this room.
hmm
god it really is exam season if the jokes are this dark. Almost as dark as that brown carpet.
Rec Room
team booze kitchen
Theatre
(resists urge to make PBS funding joke because it kills me inside)
Finally, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Ah my fun new article for [clickbait]: You and your siblings reimagined as bay window layouts on a garbage tract home (Number 3 is sooo true!)
Well, friends that does it for this particularly cruel iteration of the 50 States! Stay tuned next week for an Iowan McMansion, and for Sunday where I don’t get distracted by chocolate this time and post about dead guys who argue about architecture. Have a great rest of your week!
Hello Friends! Like most people my age, when someone says Idaho, after the immediate connotation with potatoes (sorry Idahoans? Idahoes?), my mind instantly jumps to:
Well, our lovely house is honestly not that far off - simply imagine what it would look like if Napoleon’s family came into a tacky amount of money and did a remodel in 1993.
Our lovely house, built in 1991, boasts a whopping 6 bedrooms and 7.5 baths, and can be all yours for just under $3 million dollars.
I guess that view is why the damn house is so expensive. Also I S W E A R I saw that fabric swatch as a Martha Stewart exclusive in Michael’s scrapbook clearance or something.
Sunroom 2 of 2
“Ah yes, let me relax in this luxurious, supportive wicker chair for more than 30 minutes,” said very few people.”**
**I can’t say “said no one ever” because I don’t want angry emails about how much people love wicker furniture when I will never agree because it leaves grotesque weave imprints on my sensitive skin.
Upstairs Landing
Real talk: if you are a builder or worked in the industry and you know how egregious weirdness like this happens, I would love to hear from you.
“HONEY ARE YOU IN THE TUB AGAIN????” “I’M WASHING OFF THE FILTH THAT IS OUR HOLLOW LIFE TOGETHER”
Bedroom 2
Wait, are you telling me you haven’t read Freud’s Psychology of Bedspreads?
Bathroom 2
I’m glad other people brush their teeth in the shower too.
Bedroom 3
Ah, I love when classical music Kate and architecture Kate get to become one again outside the context of concert halls.
And finally, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Okay, but seriously Duncan Idaho is my least favorite character in all of Dune. I’ve read all 6 books, and I hate him everysingletime. In a universe of rich and extremely complex characters, Duncan Idaho is dumber and more wooden than a sack of hyper-masculine potatoes. (Pun was intentional) Fight me.
(If you’re particularly curious, my favorite character is Leto II. Liet Kynes is my favorite in the first book.)
Well, that does it for this week’s -
OH WAIT!!!1 :O :O :O
Also, if you were wondering - the listing did not include pictures of a kitchen! However, judging by the rest of the house, I can only assume the kitchen looks something like this:
Well, that does it for Idaho! Join me on Sunday for a continued totally serious look at Architectural Theory, and next Wednesday for one of my favorite states: Illinois! (Warning: Cheryl might be making an appearance.)
