I’ve been bugged for a while to do a house in Marietta, Georgia, which is a goldmine of dank McMansions. It was indeed difficult to select merely one example to share with you all this week.
The house I’m about to show you is a time capsule back to 1990s interior design and it is amazing. I can’t’ even hate it it’s so amazing.
(Note the pre-2000s lack of double-height entryway.)
This house, built in 1987, and a little under 4,000 square feet, is certainly not the dankest house in and around Marietta, but that’s not why I chose it. I chose it because it’s rare to see a house with an interior that has remained unchanged for so long.
The Foyer
I swear to gawd that I went to this house at some point during my childhood, even though I was no where near Marietta, Georgia. Like, I can see myself excitedly running up those stairs, careful to not knock the random trinkets from their precarious resting place.
The Sitting Room
Has no one lived in this house in the last 26 years? It’s got every 90s design trope in the book: gigham couch, white leather chairs, white walls with teal accents, and brass and glass fan dangling from a precipitously high ceiling.
The Kitchen
OMG y’all think kitchens are white now? White was SO HUGE in the 90s. Everything was white: appliances, counters, floors, chairs, walls, ceilings, you name it, it was white. The gigham wallpaper is especially dated, but luckily for them this style is coming back again, even if white appliances never do.
The Dining Room
Ah yes, the table covered with very heavy fabric, conveniently omitting the idea that people, you know, eat at tables.
The Living Room
Those wall shelves with the chunky brackets are so of their time. And the TV!! They haven’t even bought a new TV since 1996!!!!!
The Master Bedroom
The pale blue and vaguely French-Country theme were both huge in the 90s. Note in particular the coordinated fabrics and the table that has been totally robbed of its function by what seems to be a misplaced drape.
Bathroom #1
Oh man, I used to go to my friends’ houses going up and was always SUPER JEALOUS if they had celestial wallpaper. I simply couldn’t convince my mom that having a bunch of stars and clouds and stuff on the walls was a good idea. I hate to say mom was right on this one.
Study
Fun fact: My parents painted their living room walls this color when I was a kid. Funner fact: they were sponge-textured as well.
Does the paint not going up to the ceiling bother anyone else? All they need to do, fortunately, is get rid of the wallpaper border, paint the walls, and change the bedspread and ELLE Decor will LOVE. IT. (They need to chill with the frills over there, seriously.)
Bathroom #2
Damn, the bathroom from my childhood looked a bit like this, especially that sink. Feels, man.
And, finally,
I mean, you’d be a fool to believe that those super weird ceiling shapes weren’t going to lead to some super weird roof shapes.
If this post has made y’all nostalgic, you’re in luck! While wallpaper borders won’t be coming back any time soon, the rest of this aestheticdefinitely is.
Note: McMansionHell volunteers for the NC Invasive Plant Council. Please consider doing the same for your local Invasive species organization! You’ll get fit and save the earth pulling weeds!
Anyways: That’s it for Marietta, Georgia, folks! If you like plants (or hate them) get hyped for Sunday’s Post: McMansions 101: Landscaping.
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Hello friends! Today is the day of my TEDxMidAtlantic rehearsal, and I am in a Starbucks writing this post dressed in full PoMo regalia. (I’m talking 1000% clothed in David Bowie’s Furniture just so I can make one joke about not being the gatekeeper of good taste.)
Speaking of Postmodernism, it’s gonna be Postmodernism Week on McMansionHell! As you will see on Sunday, Postmodernism has a lot to do with McMansions and other tenants of our sprawl-based built environment. I don’t want to jump the gun on that yet, but let’s just say this wonderful estate is a teaser of things to come. Got questions? Don’t worry. All will be explained.
This amazing testament to the fact that maybe architects actually had some impact on the design of our suburban houses after a, like, 50 year hiatus during which they were prancing around in glass-box-land was built in 2000, is on the market for over $2,000,000 and hasno fewer than 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms
And all of them are amazing. Let’s begin.
The Front Entry
Judging by the numerous attempts to cover up the seemingly endless white tile floor, the homeowners realized that it was probably a bad decision. Seriously nothing is colder on your feetsies than stone tile.
The Sitting Room
I hesitate to call this a living room because it looks too much like my last dentist’s waiting room. (I wish I had dental insurance again, oh god)
The OTHER Sitting Room
The Other OTHER Sitting Room
There better be butts in at least half of these chairs at any given time or the engineer in me is going to be peeved at the lack of efficiency.
The Dining Room!
Phew! At least it isn’t another…
…Sitting Room
One has to admire their dedication to total grandmotherliness.
The Kitchen!
Something something joke about that song about that lighting fixture
The…oh for ****’s sake
RIP Best Western (1986-2000) it is maybe a Crackle Barrel or something now who knows. Also, the splayed geometry of this room is probs very good for it’s acoustics! Yay!
The Master Bedroom
I am p peeved when real estate listings only have one or two bedrooms out of y’know 7.
And, of course…
The Master Bathroom
I think that weird light thing is from whatever the 80s equivalent to Pinterest is.
The Reject Bedroom
is v sad
I want that party bed please and thank
The Designated Alcohol Space™
Normalizing addiction since circa 1980.
That painting is really messing me up. Like, I know y’all trying to look like your lives were spent collecting priceless european replicas from the Frontgate catalog or whatever but of all the paintings to hang in your bar…
Finally, we conclude our tour with a marvelous rear photo.
Thanks for sticking around for this post even though it was late n stuff. Stay tuned for Sunday’s bit about Postmodernism, and wish me luck for my TEDx talk tomorrow!
Like this post? Want to see more like it and get behind the scenes access to everything McMansionHell? Consider supporting me on Patreon!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Every once in a while, I discover an extraordinarily special place. And by special I mean hideous. Bergen County, New Jersey is that place. This will not be the first, nor the last time this county will show up on this blog, as its houses and I have a long working relationship ahead of us.
So where to start? I used this house as an example in another post before (can’t remember which one) but I knew from the first time I saw it, that I needed to dive deeper.
Man, where to start. First of all, the exterior of this house appears to be screaming in two different ways: either the two dormers, or the two “sidelight” windows are the eyes, with the door being the agape mouth. With the absurd windows on the front facade, the silly fake quoins, and the pseudo-Palladian elements scattered all over the place, I have a feeling this place is going to go down in McMansionHell history as a Certified Dank™ Legend.
This house (built in 1988 as we will all soon see) has seven bedrooms and six bathrooms, and is currently retailing for almost 3.5 million dollars.
By far, my favorite McMansions are the ones that are like time capsules. You open the obnoxiously large front door and step into the obnoxiously large entryway and are instantly transported into another era.
In this case, that era is 1988.
Front Entryway
My favorite part about the 80s was how they axed all of the environmental reforms made in the 70s while simultaneously obsessing over having as many house plants as possible.
Living Room (1 of 2)
At least piano makers are thankful that their art is being funded by those who buy large instruments as symbols of wealth.
Study
Fake book subjects commonly include: - Business - Law - Classic Literature
Dining Room (1 of 2)
Seriously I don’t think you guys are prepared for what you’re about to see.
This has to be one of the best worst vintage 80s rooms I’ve ever seen.
Dining Room (2 of 2)
Those poor plants, working like slaves for the man.
The Kitchen!
Who thought that orange was a remotely good idea?? Spoilers: it was probs HGTV.
Living Room (2 of 2)
Luckily for the homeowner, many elements from this room (the furniture and wall color) are coming back in style again, as dark green is all the rage this year apparently.
Master Suite (Part 1)
Shocked that the drapes don’t have the same pattern as the wallpaper.
Master Suite (Part 2)
P sure the hyper-femininity of the 80s and early 90s were what led to the creation of the ManCave during the dawn of the 21st century.
Master Bathroom
This bathroom almost looks like it came out of a Robert A.M. Stern coffee table book from the late 80s. Whoever did this interior was a licensed interior designer. I’m pretty sure those vanities are custom.
On to the last room of our tour! (Somehow there weren’t pictures of the other 6 bedrooms or the other 5 baths…)
The Basement
Seriously the mirrored door is hella choice.
Fortunately, our tour ends on a positive note this week, as the rear of this house actually makes some architectural sense:
Rear Exterior
Well folks, I hope you enjoyed that tour as much as I did. I love these time capsule houses - you can learn a lot from studying the design trends of the past; most notably, when they’re coming back.
Stay tuned for this Sunday’s special post, McMansionHell from A to Z (Part Two) and, of course, next week’s dank McMansion!
Like this post? Want to see more like it and get behind the scenes access to everything McMansionHell? Consider supporting me on Patreon!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion comes to us from Encino, Los Angeles, California. Encino has been recommended to me time and time again, so I figured it was time to see what all the fuss is about.
And fuss they should.
And somehow, this 4,354 square-foot house, built in 2008, is on the market for $1,995,000.
That’s right, almost two million smackaroos.
Before I begin my tour, I would like to warn my readers that this house contains so much beige that you might lose your ability to see color. McMansionHell is not liable for any injuries that may occur when viewing this post.
The Two-Story Entryway with Bonus Sitting Room
The Dining Room
And not a single meal was finished in peace.
The Kitchen
Sometimes writing these posts is incredibly taxing on my psyche.
The Second Living Room
moving on, as we all do.
Upstairs
The notable lack of books is a common trend amongst McMansions. Also note the incredibly cheap-looking column.
The Master Bedroom
For some reason, this house is bringing out my dark side this week.
Also: Wallpaper border or crown molding? You decide!
The Master Bathroom
The Not Master Bathrooms
Number One!
Number Two!
This small ridiculous bathroom was constructed with better quality than the rest of the entire house. Speaking of which,
The Exterior
Oink oink.
On a side note, although it has been my most requested area, there weren’t a lot of houses on the market in Encino with interiors worth mocking, and the number of pictures per house were limited, hence this post is a little more brief than most!
Don’t worry, though, join me on Sunday for The McMansions 101 Cheat Sheet, where the most typical features of the McMansion are laid out for your identifying pleasure.
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
