Hello Friends! I hope you haven’t suffered too much from my absence! For all you Georgians out there, don’t worry! I’ll come back around to you - however, the schedule is cruel and I must forge on.
Houses on islands are always interesting, because unless they’re multimillion-dollar luxury palaces, they’re usually pretty small due to the increased cost of building on an island. After all, islands are kind of cut off from everything else by oceans and stuff, which means they have to get most of their building and other materials from the mainland - making construction much more costly. Also, a lot of islands are geologically volatile, which means added costs for earthquake proofing or increased flood resistance.
That being said, no where is safe from the big and ugly.
This week’s house, built in 2009, features 5 bedrooms and 3.5 baths (around 3,000 square feet) and can be all yours for just under $950k!
Shall we?
Entryway/Sitting Room
I don’t understand WHY people buy furniture sets, when the act of furniture shopping is SO MUCH FUN and you can save TONS OF MONEY not buying tacky matching stuff while also satisfying that HGTV dream of finding ~the perfect piece~.
(Okay, maybe people buy them because they just want the whole thing to be over with. That’s understandable. But ya’ll can at least buy them from Ikea.)
Suspiciously Average Kitchen
“What can one tell about one’s hopes and dreams by examining their cabinet trinkets? How can we use these seemingly arbitrary items to gain access to the greater mystery that is the human mind?” - Freud, probably
Dowdy Dining Room
That’s 4, excitedly, not 4 (factorial).
Can we have a sad laugh at millennials deciding what furniture to leave behind to their kids? Like, “Yeah, Emma you can have my ever-growing collection of LACK tables, and Noah you can take the West Elm sofa - what’s left of it.” “What about your knock-off Eames lounger, mom?” “Let me be buried with my shame.”
SERIOUS MALE OFFICE
No disrespect, but military stuff is really boring to me unless it involves buildings. When McCarthyism comes back, I’ll be one of the first to go.
Bedroom 1
The bed being against the window with the beautiful view I’ll take as a metaphor for America’s fractured relationship with nature and the environment as a whole. Or laziness. That works.
Bedroom II
Bed-size calculator: enough size for me + my laptop as I fall asleep alone until the end of time. :)
Bedroom 3 [reject bedroom]
Ok, rattan, wicker, etc are def beachy and therefore included in the iconography. Also, I am skeptical of that drapery on the right window’s ability to cover said window in its entirety.
Second Living Room
Kate Wagner: An Art Historian
(Also I guarantee that jukebox sits unused because they didn’t think to put an AUX jack on it back in the day.)
Rec Room
Today in embarrassing collections your friend’s parents have: roosters.
[Today in embarrassing collections I have: random stuff decorated to look like Piet Mondriaan paintings.]
You may be wondering: where are all the bathrooms? Well…
Bathrooms (that’s right: they all look exactly the same)
Yeah, “The Walmart Tiki Dimension” would be a great name for a psychedelic noise/surf-rock fusion band.
And now, our favorite part:
The Rear Exterior
Attempts were made, which is better than most, admittedly.
Well, that does it for Hawaii! Stay tuned for some informative cool architecture stuff on Sunday, and IDAHO next Wednesday!
Hello Friends! It’s really late at night. Do you know why it’s late at night? Because in addition to being your lovely trash tour guide and historian, I am also a graduate student. In graduate student land, it’s that mythical time known as midterms. This worked alright last semester because there were no tests, only projects. Now there are tests. Difficult tests.
Either way, here comes what I like to call a very stereotypical McMansion, except worse. It’s so stereotypical that you’ve probably seen one rather like it yourself.
Except this one has surprises. This lovely house was built in 2005, and features 6 bedrooms, each with their own bathroom! It can be yours for around $800,000 smackaroons. Let’s begin.
Lawyer Foyer
Because the Pringles Can of Shame covers the staircase, the Lawyer Foyer is truncated by a huge footbridge which renders the window useless from the first level. Oh well.
SIT ZONE
Acoustics Rating: full of garbage echoes. Yeah, garbage echoes can be your band if you want it to be. Also, I’m sorry but this room really tickled my angry bone. This is just the most egregiously wasteful enclosed volume I’ve seen since last week’s edition.
SECOND SIT ZONE
Jesus, that’s like radioactive tangerine. Also HGTV Magazine needs less pop of color and more, like normal tones. Also, Mom, if you’re reading this you know EXACTLY WHICH ISSUE I’M TALKING ABOUT. Like, seriously, it’s the worse one. You don’t need stupid paint colors to be unique. Just say no.
Dining Nook
long form jokes, people, long form jokes.
KITCHEN
Man, this totally looks like my old Girl Scout troop leader’s kitchen. She was a bitterly divorced psychiatrist who got the big house but lost half the furniture. All of my jokes come from real experiences. I have stories.
Culinary Consumption Zone
Okay, are any of you guys from the south? Do you about CookOut? STRIP TRAY Y’ALL. It’s probably the one thing I miss from the south, except for the wildflowers of North Carolina which are particularly unique.
Master Bedroom
Maybe I can be a little dark, okay?
Master Bathroom
That’s not a tub. That’s a hot tub. Put a cover on it and stop wasting water. I swear, Dune has made looking at garden tubs so infuriating now. Like, do you know how many Fremen that amount of water could have sustained???
Whatever, Bedroom
I actually did give up ballet in the 3rd Grade but my mom was okay with it because, realistically, I was terrible. Ok I think it’s time to move on to the next room -
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
In addition to innumerable likely code violations, I’m also angry at the fact that these people bulldozed so many friggin lovely, good, happy trees, just to be able to stare longingly at an expanse of ugly. patchy turf grass. Get out. Just get out. You literal wastes of space.
The Rec Room
Mondrian isn’t even spinning in his grave, he’s just projectile vomiting preemptively.
Finally, we reach the most incredible part of this masterpiece:
NO RAILINGS. Do these people never imbibe alcohol? Gosh, golly, if this weren’t a private residence (and architects are probably howling at this) the first in a line of many inspectors would shut this down. Hell, the fire inspector would probably just torch it himself.
Well, that’s it for Delaware, a state so small I literally only had to type “Delaware” into the real estate aggregate to get results. Join us Sunday for a tad bit more of Britain and next Wednesday for FLORIDAAAAAAAA.
Also a bit about scheduling for the next few posts:
Sunday, March 12th: Scotland McMansions Wednesday, March 15th: I will attempt to write a post this day. Around the time I started this blog, I began saving up for a trip to Europe. Well, on the 15th, I’m going on that trip. (Iceland/Amsterdam/Paris) and will return to a normal schedule Sunday, March 26th. In order to keep up with the 50 States, I am going to attempt to post on Friday the 23rd. Thanks for your understanding!
Hello Friends! One last Thursday post for old time’s sake. This house comes from a fan email (ty Grace) and boy oh boy am I glad because this house is a gift. (In the same way that lighting a bag of poop on fire in front of your neighbor’s doorstep is a gift.)
This lovely 5 bedroom 11 bathroom house (built in 1992 and remodeled in 2010) can be yours for the low price of around $1.1 million USD!
The Happy Meal of Shame™®
Draft Level: Vietnam.
(OK was that a bad joke? I’m sorry.)
Sitting Room Alpha
Alternative Fabric Swatch: mercury-laced thin mint
HOLY KITCHEN, BATMAN
Foursinkistan? Canlightistan?
So many mystery appliances here. I’m sure somebody will know what those things are adjacent to the stove.
Le Lounge
Pretty sure I’ve seen those sofas on a Carnival cruise. Also, is there such a thing as architect slash fiction? I mean it is the internet??? Would I read it? Curiosity would def get the best of me.
Sitting Room Beta
Alternative niche level: non-Bartok viola concerti
Somewhere
ARCHITECTURE JOKE <man, I didn’t know Peter Eisenman had houses in Cheshire.> ARCHITECTURE JOKE
reference:
Peter Eisenman, House III (1971). Via @aqqindex (one of my FAV BLOGS EVER GO FOLLOW)
Bedroom 1
Hey, my bedroom in my parents’ house was the same color! Also having crap cable management will make you unattractive to potential romantic partners.
Presumably Master Bedroom
DISGUSTING.
Presumably Master Bath
High school kids: you will miss thumbtacks. Also risk of electrocution in this room appears high.
LUXURY FLOOR ROT IMMINENT
Bathroom 2/11 (sadly few bathrooms were pictured.)
what is even happening in this trainwreck?
BEST BEDROOM
INITIALIZE
Finally, this brings us to our lovely Rear Elevation:
The more I look at it, the more I am filled with anger and despair.
Well, that does it for Certified Dank, CT. Stay tuned for Sunday’s McMansion Hell: UK edition! (If you’re on Twitter, pls feel free to tweet me UK McMansions @mcmansionhell - I respond faster that way.)
Hello Friends! Apologies for the lateness. As you can see, I’ve been pretty irregular with my Thursday posts. Unlike last semester, I have class on Thursdays. This is not working out so well. As a result, I have decided to move Thursday posts to Wednesdays instead from here on out.
This brings us to our current post in Douglas County, Colorado.
Before I continue with this post, I’d like to feature a quote from renowned architect and architectural theorist Rem Koolhaas to prepare you for what you’re about to see:
(If anyone is wondering, that’s a line from “The Generic City” in his book S,M,L,XL [p.1260] I highly recommend reading it, if you’re into the tone/ideology of this blog.)
This explosion of beige, built in 2001 features 6 bedrooms and 5 baths. It can all be yours for just under $800,000 USD.
The Lawyer Foyer
I unironically irl gave myself a pat on the back for the Stairway to Heaven joke.
The Great Room
I’m assuming that the rug is actually made from real zebra.
Dining Room
Nothing says yee-haw like reclaimed wood.
Also, I was 100% thinking about Kate Bush when writing that curtain joke.
I want to be her omg.
KITCHEN™®
Congrats on being a stereotype, I guess.
Master Bedroom
I wish I had enough room in my bedroom for a daydreaming zone. (looks wistfully out of window, but not too close because the radiators are pretty hot.)
Master Bath
You bet I played the Sims. One of these days I’m going to have a Sims McMansion Contest. The people inside have to be achingly stereotypical suburbanites.
Cheryl moved from Naperville to Colorado, apparently.
Also holy cow, “Shoes” came out TEN YEARS AGO WHAT THE HECK
Boy Room™
My family couldn’t afford Pottery Barn® Teen™ :(
Bathroom 2
I’m not googling “tongue disease” to confirm whether or not this color is accurate.
Girl Room™
My room is blue, what does this MEAN???
? Room
“yeah, whatever, accident number two.”
Music & Dance Room
1. I wanted to somehow make a Kingdom Hearts II joke re: “dance water dance” (my roommate has 2.8 and I AM GOING TO CRY) because before I wrote McMansion Hell, I wrote Kingdom Hearts II fanfiction (when I was 12) also Demyx would be so *&$%ed if he existed in Dune lol I would read that
2. Architectural Acoustics 101: putting fiberglass panels on a wall does not equal INSTANT ACOUSTICS™ In fact, I doubt this configuration does anything at all.
Recreation? Room
You can use “Beleaguered Salmon” for your Cake cover band, I guess.
Exterior
(DISNEY VILLAIN LAUGH) DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS?!:
Well, that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion. Stay tuned for Sunday’s bit on Irish McMansions, and of course BASED Connecticut next Wednesday. Have a good week!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
