Howdy, folks! I hope all of my fellow Midwesterners are enjoying this year’s false spring. Seventy-degree days notwithstanding, the snow will indeed be back, and, as such, I have prepared for you a house to enjoy (?) alongside a miserably late-in-the-year hot cocoa.
Now, this house isn’t as oppressively horrible as the last one, however, the point of the Yearbook is to show off how houses evolved overtime, and also to celebrate some of the kookier time capsules left out there. Our current house falls into the latter category, and to be honest, I find it weirdly endearing.
Located just outside of Detroit, this 5 bed, 4.5 bath house tops out at over 10,000 square feet. Yes, you read that right. 10,000. You’ll see why later. Anyways, if you want to purchase said house, it can be all yours for just under $1,000,000. A steal!
??? Foyer
In America we don’t have barons, only robber barons, so I’m going to assume whoever built this house did so on the backs of thousands of exploited 19th century child laborers or whatever. Bad stuff.
??? Room
Unsure of the purpose of this room, genuinely, because all other rooms are accounted for. This one’s just empty. It’s just existing. Vibing, as one might say.
TV (???) Room
Don’t mind me, I’m just getting out my birding binoculars in order to watch Seinfeld reruns.
Kitchen
Considering the history of the Midwest and the fact that Sears and co. cut down all our old growth forests in order to do cheap furniture and balloon framing, this whole wood paneling bit is really part of a much larger historical milieu.
Dining Room
The American Bicentennial lurks in the background of all of these houses, its legacy permanently ingrained in too-dark rooms across the nation.
Main Bedroom
Shivering at the thought of my feet touching cold tile floor every morning. That’ll wake you up.
Other Bedroom
You know, the grandness of the chandelier has diminishing returns if you put one in every single room. Then it becomes just another light fixture.
Random Bathroom
BROWN TUB BROWN TUB BROWN TUB (the rarest of all mid-century tubs)
Pleasure Grotto
Ok now this is why I chose this house. It also explains why this house is 10,000 square feet - at least half of that is just this pool alone. The funniest bit is, I can’t for the life of me tell WHERE this pool is by looking at the exterior of the house. In fact, I’m not sure how they managed to fit so much house in that small of an envelope, but at this point, it’s so weird I’m inclined not to ask further questions. Some things in the universe are not meant to be known to us.
Rear Exterior
Ok I changed my mind. WHERE IS THE POOL. WHERE DID THEY FIT THE POOL IN ALL THIS.
Anyways, I’ll let that haunt you for a little while.
In the mean time, I’d like to take this space at the end of the post to announce that I’ve started a little side project devoted to my other love in life, professional cycling. It’s a newsletter called derailleur that aims to tell the stories of contemporary professional cycling in an unconventional, narrative-driven way. If you’re into such things, feel free to check it out: derailleur.substack.com
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, monthly livestreams, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Howdy Folks! Today’s house comes to us from Iredell County, North Carolina, and trust me, it is quite a doozy - just in time for Valentines Day, too! If you don’t fall in love with it, I don’t know what to tell you.
This 5300 square foot, 4 bedroom, 4.5 bath house, comes in at $625,000, making it more of a bargain than most McMansions usually are, and while the Tudors never came to America, a place that had not yet been “discovered” by the time the Tudors were in power in England, fear not - for all the repression and stuffiness of 15th century Britain can still be found within these darkened doors.
Lawyer Foyer
If your house doesn’t constantly give off I AM MARRIED vibes, your spouse might start having indecent thoughts. One must stay vigilant at all times.
Dining Room
Look, hutches are good storage, okay. Sturdy. We as a generation (millennials) need to get back into knickknacks. Minimalism is dead. Long live kitsch.
Living Room
Honestly, this house is so dark and repressed it makes high school me look like a libertine.
Kitchen
“What do you mean ‘dopeness’ isn’t a qualifier for granting a property historical landmark status?”
Main Bedroom
Love is in the air. Also the air is really, really stale in here right now.
Bathroom
If your bathroom doesn’t emulate a luxuriant grotto, wyd???
Bedroom 2
please, my floor ducks, they are so cold,,,,
Sunroom
I have got to stop using epic ironically. I already lived through 2008 once.
That’s it for the interior! Let’s just step outside for a quick breather…
Rear Exterior
Well, I hope you had a good time traipsing through what can only be described as a treasure trove of different matching fabrics. Be sure to stick around for the next part of “Underground” which is coming your way shortly!
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, weekly drawings, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Hello everyone. Originally, this post was supposed to be devoted to the year 1978, however something came up, and by something, I mean this 2.2 million-dollar, 5,420 sq ft 4 bed/4.5 bath house in Colt’s Neck, NJ.
You see, usually, when a listing goes viral, I’m content to simply retweet it with a pithy comment, but this house genuinely shook something in me, genuinely made me say “what the (expletive)” out loud. It is only fair to inflict this same suffering onto all of you, hence, without further ado:
Looks normal, right? Looks like the same low-brow New Jersey McMansion we’re all expecting, right? Oh, oh dear, you couldn’t be more wrong.
Guess who’s making a list and checking it twice?
Guess who’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice?
Guess who’s coming to town?
Guess who’s coming to town to drag your ass into hell?
A gentle reminder that it is not yet Thanksgiving.
But oh. Oh. It continues:
If you’re wondering what’s happening here, you’re not alone, and sadly there is no convenient way to find out via a kind of haunted house hotline or something.
I can’t even label these rooms because frankly I’m not even sure what they are. All I am sure of is that I want out of them as soon as humanly possible.
How is it that a room can simultaneously threaten, frighten, and haunt me? Me, of all people!
My eyes do not know where to go here. They go to the window, they go to the fireplace, they go to the massive mound of fake plant and statuary currently gorging on the leftmost corner of the room, they go to my hands, which are shaking.
“Hello, I would like to get in touch with the Ministry of Vibes? Yes, I’ll hold.”
I haven’t been this afraid of a shower since I went to Girl Scout camp in the fifth grade and there was a brown recluse spider in the camp shower and I screamed until the counselor came in and told me it was only a wolf spider but it turns out those still bite you and it hurts.
I love watching Still Images on my Television Set :)
Nobody make a sound. He’s watching you.
i spy with my evil eye:
:)
Their souls are trapped in these photographs forever :)
Okay, phew, we made it out alive. Here’s the back of the house I guess.
Well, I hope you’re as thoroughly disturbed as I am. Seriously, I’m going to have trouble sleeping. I mean, I already have trouble sleeping, but this is just making that existing problem so much worse.
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, weekly drawings, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Not into recurring donations but still want to show support? Consider the tip jar! (Tips are much appreciated since I am making a cross country move in two weeks!!!)
Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store! Proceeds from the store help protect great buildings from the wrecking ball.
Howdy, folks, and happy October! (It’s snowing here in Chicago lol)
Before I get down to business on today’s post, I want to let you know of two big events coming up this week:
First, I’ll be in conversation with Susan Chin and Vinson Cunningham tomorrow evening (10/28) to talk about urbanism during the pandemic (virtually) at the Museum of the City of New York.More info and tickets here.
Alright, now back to the main event. We’re back in Cook County, Illinois because of course we are, and this house falls into the rare McMansion Hell category of “this house is terrible but also kind of cute somehow????”
It’s a shame you can’t really see the turret because it adds so much. Anyways, this house is peak 70s McMansion: longer than it is tall, involves a mansard, big picture windows, not too adventurous roof-wise. Still, it’s 6900 square feet boasting 5 bedrooms and 6.5 baths all at a whopping $1.5 million dollars. Just some pocket change, you know…
Let’s see inside, shall we?
Lawyer Foyer
All I want is some Looney Tunes action where some’s coming up from the basement and someone’s coming in the front door and WHAM!!!!
Sitting Room
I kind of stan the dog pots though…
Dining Room
I think the wallpaper might be crabs???? (????)
Kitchen
Pros of tile countertops: v twee and cute Cons of tile countertops: grout
Also we NEED to bring back the kitschy farmhouse aesthetic from 40 years ago. No more quartz countertops. It’s time for tiles with chickens on them!!!
Sunroom
Is this room supposed to be like weirdly tropical?? or Parisian??? or Martha Stewart??? or???
Vibe check: [please calibrate vibe checker and try again]
Office
After all, inside every middle manager is a languishing Hemingway…
Main Bedroom
“Struggled hard for these views (six arm flexing emojis)”
Also, disclosure: McMansion Hell will no longer use the term “master bedroom” because it’s antiquated and never made much sense after the (American) Civil War if you really think about it for more than three seconds.
Main Bathroom
where to purchase malachite wallpaper asking for a friend (the friend is my office)
Spare Bedroom
Nothing says “I am a fun-loving carefree and slightly cRaZy girl” like this font:
Alright, that’s it for the inside. Instead of the rear exterior though, I’m going to end this post with a fun aerial shot instead just to show that my suspicions about this house have been confirmed.
Secret Aerial Footage (helicopter sounds)
See, this house is actually very weird!!!! It is not as cute when all of its wily tricks have been revealed!!!!
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, weekly drawings, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Not into recurring donations but still want to show support? Consider the tip jar! (Tips are much appreciated since I am making a cross country move in two weeks!!!)
Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store! Proceeds from the store help protect great buildings from the wrecking ball.
