Howdy folks, and by howdy I mean howdy, because this time our McMansion Hell yearbook house is in the 9th circle of McMansion Hell itself, Denton County, Texas! Sitting at a cozy 4900 square feet, this 4 bedroom/4 bath abode could be all yours for a cool $1.13 million!
In case you’re wondering what’s going on architecturally here (i.e. everyone reading this), this house is a combination of a two-story Spanish Colonial Revival (right) with a 1970s shed-style house (left) all converging in a fully formed lawyer foyer (center). The result is, well, weird. Let’s continue.
Lawya Fawya
Unlike our earlier 1970s houses, you can see that this one has had quite a bit of renovation, likely in the early 2000s. However, some classic things still come to mind, namely the spackled stucco walls and staircase, which are likely original to the 70s. My guess would be that a lot of that center wall has been taken out in the 2000s-2020s drive to Take Every Possible Interior Wall Out.
Living Room
As you can see, this house is very large and mostly empty - this room probably had more of a den feel originally and was probably divided up in some way. The ceilings are their original 1970s height (low).
Unidentified Gathering Space
My favorite part of this room is the fact that they couldn’t quite round out the window corners. Curves are hard.
Kitchen
Frankly, even with the weird pot storage, this is probably the most sane kitchen in McMansion Hell history (a rare success; a glimmer of hope in a time of great darkness.)
Master Bedroom
That TV is an entire football field away from the bed which is a great metaphor for my attitude towards being on social media during the, you know, whole global pandemic and economic collapse thing that’s going on.
Master Bathroom
Ok OK I’m done with the social distancing jokes!!!!!!
Bedroom 2
That bed in that room is how it feels living a tiny studio apartment with my husband and my dog during a time of great uncertainty!!
Rec Room
I would love to see some statistics on what percentage of home gym equipment ends up on craigslist. My guess is at least half - working out at home is awkward and hard (source: I don’t do it.)
Ok Ok we’re now ready to enter the best (read: worst) room in this house, which I have duly saved for last.
“Theatre Room”
Alternatively this is how a pizza feels when they put it in one of those brick ovens at those overpriced restaurants.
That’s all for inside, let’s head back out.
Rear Exterior
Yeah I don’t actually know how something like this happens, architecturally speaking. It’s like the house version of mismatched socks and also both the socks have a hole in the toe and smell bad.
Anyways that does it for 1972 - join us soon for 1973, which is truly a doozy - thanks to the folks on the McMansion Hell Patreon stream who submitted it!
I know that these are economically uncertain times, but many creators including myself depend on Patreon for most of their income, so if you have a minimum of $12/year to spare and are into bonus content, then do I have some good news for you:
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Howdy Folks! 1971′s house comes to us from Morris County, New Jersey. Sitting at 5000 square feet, despite its age it’s still for sale for $1.2 million USD. As you can see, it is a surprisingly developed McMansion compared to the house from last month:
This house showcases many different McMansion elements - clearly demonstrating an early iteration of the decorated split level emerging into a new architectural form. However, this house still has many split level elements, including a clear demarcation of first and second stories via attached masses - the garage in particular is reminiscent of many split level garages. This house also borrows elements from the 70s Mansard-style house, specifically in its use of embedded half-dormers, which recall many mansard-style houses but replacing the mansard roof with a low-pitched hipped roof.
Paralegal Foyer (proto-Lawyer Foyer):
It was relatively common in early iterations of the McMansion to have a partial formation of the Lawyer Foyer, a two story entryway but lacking the transom window above the door that enables the entryway to be seen from the street. Sadly, this house was redecorated from its original 70s finishes, most likely in the late 1990s.
Dining Room:
My personal opinion is that parquet floors Were Good Actually and we should bring them back.
Den:
What’s enjoyable about looking at houses from the perspective of date is that there are some elements that are dated but also expensive to get rid of - the floating wetbar-island combo is very 70s, however I actually think these kinds of islands with cabinetry are useful and it would be nice to see them make a comeback.
Kitchen:
1) I remember going to some kid’s house in middle school and they had a huge kitchen like this and all the cabinets were literally filled with hamburger helper, easy mac, uncle ben’s rice, etc - the parents had this huge chef’s kitchen but apparently never cooked.
2) that table would not last one encounter involving me, a beer, and a particularly animated political conversation.
Master Bedroom:
It weirds me out when rich people don’t have headboards!!! I don’t know why!!!
Bedroom 2:
I had a bedspread similar to this but it was in blue, brown, and green and I vote!
Bedroom 3:
The 3D furniture staging thing is fascinating to me because sometimes it’s virtually undistinguishable from real estate photos where the furniture is real but the photos themselves are photoshopped to the point of unreality. Personally I’d love to have a copy of the software that lets you 3D decorate random real estate listings - it’s like the Sims but for realtors.
That’s the last of our interior rooms, which brings us to our concluding picture:
Rear Exterior
I have no idea how you mess up lining up six identical windows in a rational way and yet…and yet…
Well folks, that does it for 1971! Stay tuned this week for another iteration of the Brutalism Post!
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
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(FYI - this is going to be a longer post than usual, so you might want to open it in a new tab if you’re reading it on Tumblr feed. There will be a read more break about halfway through.)
Howdy, folks! Welcome to the first edition of the McMansion Hell
Yearbook - a year by year account of how the McMansion came to be. We
begin our tour of time in the year 1970.
Why 1970: A Brief History Lesson
Whether
or not the McMansion belongs to canonical or vernacular (everyday)
architecture is a topic of some dispute - for example, Thomas Hubka, in
his book Houses Without Names claims that the McMansion is simply
the latest iteration of highly-customized architecture designed by and
for rich people, which is why it doesn’t belong in studies of vernacular
architecture. However, Hubka himself includes in his evolutionary study
of floorplans, a type called “Large Suburban” which features a central foyer flanked by formal rooms leading into a vast living/entertaining space and kitchen. The question of where “Large Suburban” ends and “McMansion”
begins is perhaps less of an architectural question than it is a
cultural one, but that’s something we’ll discuss in more detail later on in this series.
Meanwhile, Virginia McAlester includes McMansions, called “Millennium Mansions” in the second edition of the Field Guide to American Houses,
a phenomenon she places as starting around 1985. However, like most
architectural phenomenons, the McMansion didn’t just appear out of
nowhere. Its predecessor is what McAlester called the
Styled Ranch (and Styled Split Level) - an elaboration of the ranches and split-levels of midcentury featuring the costuming of the simple ranch form in a variety of different architectural styles or themes including Colonial Revival, Neoclassical, Mediterranean, and Tudor. How these styled ranches and split levels escalated into the sprawling McMansions we know today is something this new series hopes to tackle.
Enough history (for now)! Here’s our 1970 house found in none other than Bergen County, New Jersey.
This 5,600 square-foot house features 6 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms and can be all yours for ~$1.8 million USD. You’ll notice a lot of things about this house that are not McMansion-like: its symmetry, its lack of a complex roofline, its unified exterior claddings and window styles. However, this is why the house is interesting - it is not as much a McMansion as it is a proto-McMansion. Many McMansion features are apparent in their nascent form, for example, the competing architectural styles of Tudor (windows) and Neoclassical (portico, front door, quoins), the tacked-on mass containing the three car garage, an ostentatious pediment with elaborate columns, and extruded double bay windows.
The most interesting of these proto-features is the front entryway, an early development of what will be known on this blog as the Lawyer Foyer. We see a large central window above the door (architectural historian Charles Jencks traces this to LA in his book Daydream Houses of Los Angeles, appropriately calling it the “LA Door”), with an outdoor decorative light dangling in front of it, a motif borrowed from certain, usually later iterations of the split level (seen in this example [top left] from a 1963 trade catalog). Let’s step inside:
Proto-Lawyer Foyer (Law School Foyer???)
What’s interesting about this example is that it is very McMansion like in its use of a large curved staircase and over-indulgent chandelier. However, the above-door window has yet to merge with the front door into a transom-window, and the chandelier, though large and ornate, has yet to replace the lantern outside as the lighting feature that can be seen from the street.
Sitting Room
Though this house tends to feature more Louis XV-style furniture (my suspicion is that this might be evidence of an 80s or 90s era redecorating), the emphasis on bulky, ornate 18th century reproduction furniture, moldings, and wallpaper is indicative of the fascination in the 1970s towards the (American) Colonial era in anticipation of the 1976 American Bicentennial. You can read more about this in this fantastic and captivating Collector’s Weekly article.
Dining Room
As we can see, the stuffy formal dining room has always existed in McMansions, simply because it has always existed in rich people houses in general since the dawn of time.
Living Room
While ugly and too big, this living room definitely is more reminiscent of a ranch-style living room than it is a McMansion great room. It even has doors (heresy!) Personally I stan those 70s brick veneer fireplaces because they are groovy and increasingly hard to find.
Oh. I should mention that you’re really, really not prepared for what you’re about to see in the next room.
Wow! It was another great year for the McGingerbread Hell Gingerbread
House Competition! The judges had their work cut out for them selecting
between so many fine selections. Congratulations and great job to
everyone who submitted an entry in this year’s contest. However, only
six houses could make the cut.
Let’s start out with announcing the winners for Honorable Mention.
Honorable Mention: Priced to Sell! by Tina B.
The judges were wowed by the impressive nub, the tumorous turret, and the fantastically mismatched windows.
Quote from the Project Description:A true GEM of a house! 6,738 SF beautifully set on .23 parklike acres.
Mediterranian villa in front, stately Federal in the back; it’s the
mullet of houses!…Entertain in your beautiful
backyard featuring a real StoneTek™ patio! The heavily pruned weeping
cherry tree will be a real showstopper in 30-40 years! The largest roof
in the neighborhood has Chex shingle roof in molasses brown.
4 BR / 5.5 BA / $899,000 / Days on market - 923
Honorable Mention: Festive Roofline Soup by Jessica C.
The judges LOVED the complexity of the roofline, the absurd gabling, and the 3 car garage.
Quote from the Project Description:Features include:
• Flaked almond shingles covering a roofline so complex that it required
trigonometrical expertise from my math teacher father to work out
measurements…[and] A low maintenance yard as the house takes up almost the entire block!
Now accepting offers; the sellers are motivated as the couple are in the
middle of divorce proceedings.
Honorable Mention: Vinyl Vanity by Joseph & Kayla S.
The judges were impressed by the impressive garage to roof ratio, the roof detailings, the candy-cane columns, and excellent lawyer foyer.
Quote from the Project Description: This 2 square foot, two and a half story Craftsmen Tudor Post Classical
Revival estate is the luxurious home that your friends and neighbors
never wanted…The car is truly the heart of Tudor England, so we put the garage
proudly up front, where the yawning chasm of the door greets the outside
world with disdain…Be sure to schedule your private tour soon, this edifice is sure to not
last long. On the market. If you’re curious about the price, you’re
probably too economically responsible for this property.
And now, our top 3:
Third Place: A Jersey Thing by Nùria O.
Judges were
impressed by the size, shape, and meticulous detailing of the project,
which is reminiscent of a truly terrible McModern. Anjulie, seeing the
size of the huge roof said “this is some sustainable sh*t.” This project captures the true McMansion ethos in truly making us say “what the hell is going on here?”
Project Description: Inspired by a beatiful RealLife™ McMansion™ in Beach Haven, NJ, this
year’s featured McGingerbread mansion is a modern 5-bedroom, 16-bathroom
home made entirely in construction-grade gingerbread and held together
with royal icing made from free-range egg whites. The nonpareil- and
sugar-crystal-covered walls provide both isolation from stormy weather
and give a vintage air to counterbalance the futuristic lines of the
design…On the back of the house, you
can walk out to a large deck (perfect for entertainment) boasting a
valuable one-piece handrail. From there you can access the beautiful
mediterranean garden, set in candy charcoal and stones, environmentally
friendly as it’s practically maintenance free. Don’t miss your chance to
visit this unique home—feel the sugar rush!
Second Place: Victorian Opulence by Beth & Tina C.
Reigning McGingerbread champs Beth & Tina C. returned to the scene this year with yet another gorgeous gingerbread. Judges were wowed by the complexity and scale of the project. Sarah was impressed by the intricate piping and lots of frilly details, and the homage to the traditional Victorian gingerbread form. Anjulie described it as “unbearably neat” - she loved the uncantilevered bay window, the detached garage that makes entryway irrelevant, and the hilarious-front balcoiny with half-wall (not code compliant). Kate was impressed by the detailing and the extensive cantilevers which too serious structural engineering to pull off.
Project description: New from the creators that brought you a true monstrosity last year: The
Victorian Opulence! Featuring a lovely wrap around porch, adorable
detached garage, and a truly magnificent waterfall in the backyard, this
monolith of a house features thee decks overlooking somewhat patchy but
still rescueable landscaping. Other features include an outdoor patio, a
tower for all your princess capturing needs, and a truly cursed facade
featuring a curved roof of all things! With several nubbins featuring
windows, there is no angle on this house you can’t see out of! Standing
at nearly 2 feet tall and with an approximate total floor area of 550
square inches-excluding outdoor seating area-this Victorian style home
will surely be the envy of all the gingerbread men in your country club.
(Snow removal not included as part of HOA membership fees.)
And finally…
First Prize: Simply Having a Wonderful Building Crime by Erin E.
The judges all agreed: this house was outrageous - its execution was fantastic, and its design was full of so many delightful, humorous details. Sarah remarked: “This one is perfectly McMasion-scaled, with weirdly placed windows and gratuitous features to boot.” Anjulie couldn’t sing the praises enough: “I was particularly taken with the garage that is so far detached it makes the front door totally irrelevant…it’s a castle of grand sadness. The Pete Buttigieg sign is the literal icing on top.” Kate loved the details: the Pete sign, the ridiculously diverse selection of windows, the piped on invasive plants and basketball hoop, and the glass and siding effects. Part of the competition lies in its absurdity and humor, and in that particular category, this house took the cake.
Project description: This home Defies the Ordinary. Located on a 2.3 acre lot, you’ll be the
envy of all your neighbors–and can watch from the top of the turret to
be sure they’re suitably jealous! Enjoy sitting al fresco under the
portico above the garage, or on the hand-laid M&M stone patio! The
two-story entryway accounts for just a few of the more than 60 sugar
glass windows! All of the walls join up exactly where the architect
expected them to, and no windows were covered up on accident!!!
Constructed over two weeks, out of ten pounds of flour, four pounds of
powdered sugar, and more than half a gallon of corn syrup, this modest
four-story house will surely stand the test of time. It’s been
meticulously decorated with royal icing vines, wreaths, and Christmas
lights, and landscaped with gingerbread boulders,
definitely-naturally-this-green icing grass, and coconut macaroon
topiary. The roof stands at 17 inches high, and is crafted from waffle
cookie shingles over gingerbread rafters. For sale for just $1,895,000,
this house is just perfect for new families or young professionals just
starting out!
Special thanks to everyone who entered this year and to our judges Sarah Archer and Anjulie Rao for their contributions in pulling off yet another successful entry our search for the Gingerbread McMansion Hall of Fame!
See you next week with this month’s 1970 McMansion.
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive discord server, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store! Proceeds from the store help protect great buildings from the wrecking ball.
