Hello Friends! Thank you to everyone who sent me emails with suggestions for Alaska houses! I would like to start my post by saying that Alaska has some of the most bizarre houses I’ve ever seen, so, congratulations.
Sadly, I can only do one house for my house posts. On a lighter note, I chose this amazingly beautiful 2008 home:
This estate features 5 bedrooms and 5 baths, and can be all yours for less than $800,000 USD.
Lawyer Fawyer
I feel like we need an ASPCA “In the Arms of an Angel”-type campaign for sad, unloved musical instruments.
Living Room
I feel like they call it a ‘den’ in Alaska. Because there are bears there.
OH. By the way. i need to mention the ceiling. This is literally the Sarah Palin of ceilings, everybody.
*CUE EAGLE SOUNDS*
The Kitchen
I will never understand the rationality of not making your grout spotless before trying to sell your house.
The Dining Room
A TALE OF TWO ENTRIES: She was a French aristocrat. He was working deep in the French linoleum quarries. They met by accident at a McCafe. The rest is history.
Breakfast Nook/Sauna
I feel like saunas in Alaska are the equivalent to walk-in multi-jet showers in the rest of the US: an obvious luxury, but still probably delightful to have.
Bathroom 1
There is something really bizarre about having a urinal in your house. I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a display of wealth or machismo or…? Whatare the politics of home urinals???? Also, the other bathroom has a urinal too.
YES, I see that there’s a stair next to the toilet. It still isn’t helping me get in that tub.
Tween Girl Bedroom
This is a market. In mall store terms, it’s the transitional market between Justice and American Eagle.
Adolescent Male Room™
What’s in the safe??? Best case scenario: dirty magazines Worst case scenario: guns. As my readers in Alaska have told me, Alaskans really like guns. This is partially understandable because there are a lot of things that are scary and can kill you in Alaska and I’m pretty sure that if you live anywhere other than Anchorage you still have to forage for your own food.
Still, the dirty Lower 48-er in me is unsettled by the idea of teenage boys having guns.
The Lounge
Okay, WHY are there so many recessed lights in this house??? I’m pretty sure this family is laundering money in recessed lighting.
Finally, we come to the end of our tour:
Rear Exterior
Outdoor recessed lighting = money laundering confirmed. Also, I’m pretty sure that the reason there are no trees in the yard is because they were all cut down to build this house, because that sounds like something that happens in the wilderness.
Anyways, that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Thank you to all the Alaskans who emailed me - I hope I didn’t push your buttons too hard. Stay tuned for Sunday’s post about McMansions around the World!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Hello Friends! Welcome to the inaugural post of the 50 States of McMansion Hell, brought to us by the Certified Dank City of Birmingham, Alabama.
This 5 bed, 4.5 bath “luxury estate”was built in 1999, and could be ALL YOURS for less than $700,000 USD.
Before I continue with our tour, this house is special because it falls into the category of houses designed by people who think all rich people decorate like Donald Trump. It’s cheap, fake luxury at its finest, as you’ll soon see.
I feel like when they decided to decorate this house, they handed this to the decorator and said “you know what to do.”:
Dining Room
This is what middle-school boys think luxury looks like.
BONUS TOP DOWN VIEW
Anyone who has ever taken an art history class in high school or college can look at this and see what a garbage attempt at architecture it is.
Sitting Room 2
Kitchen
Possibly the sanest room in the house.
Dining Office?
Brb watching George of the Jungle
Master Bedroom
Screenshot in question:
Missing: bad walls and ceiling
Master Bathroom
I’m impressed by their ability to find 3 identical mirrors.
Bedroom 2
Re: the revenge decorating thing - I grew up in the South and this was a surprisingly common tactic conservative parents would use on my gay schoolmates, (along with forcing them to dress a certain way and go to church 3 times a week.)
Bedroom 3
HGTV had this weird thing with “Asian” interiors in the 2000s, and to be honest it was really cringey and uncomfortable to watch.
Bathroom 2
To be fair, I kind of like the contrast between the dark blue and the white fixtures, but it’s a little hyperbolic in such a small room.
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION SPACE
Nothing is more cringey than bad jazz and bad jazz art.
RECREATIONAL AREA
This seriously looks like the bar your uncle took you to when you were 9 and told you not to mention it to your parents.
HOME THEATRE BOWLING BALL: INTERIOR VIEW
I want one of those sweet cityscape frame art things because they are A E S T H E T I C af.
Finally, we conclude our tour with an exterior view:
Rear Elevation
When is the robot takeover going to happen because I’m pretty sure they can do a better job than us at this point.
Well, that does it for this week’s edition of 50 States of McMansion Hell! Now, if any of you know if there are any dank McMansions in Alaska, please email them to me with the subject like “ALASKA” because realistically everything I know about Alaska I learned from the animated film Balto and I’m pretty sure diphtheria isn’t a thing anymore.
Stay tuned for Sunday’s super cool surprise post and next week’s Alaskan exposé!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Hello Friends! I know I’m pretty late with this, but I forgot Sunday was New Years Day and like most people ages 21-1000 I was having a really good time the night before. Mix that with travel, and you’ve got a cocktail of not fun time ahead.
This post is about all of the neat happenings in 2016 in McMansion Hell land. As you may or may not know, McMansion Hell only began in late July, but that doesn’t mean McMansions from 2016 don’t suck any less.
Top 10 Ugliest McMansions Built in 2016
10. North Carolina
You can still build big and cheap in 2016, no worries.
9. New Jersey (1)
New Jersey is so special, it’s on here twice.
Swiss-cheese facades were huge in 2016.
8. Washington State
Ah yes, the pseudo-Craftsman with “modern touches” (read: swiss cheese windows)
7. Arkansas
At least there’s no nub, right?
6. California
Don’t do drugs kids, unless you live in one of the states that just legalized pot, in which case do drugs but don’t become boring about it. Nobody cares about your sweet new bong, dude - you haven’t paid the rent in 3 months.
5. Michigan
Those columns look like chicken legs.
4. Colorado
Have you ever seen so many nubs??? It’s a 2016 miracle, everybody.
3. Texas
I hate these cheap crappy McModerns with all my soul - they are a crime against architecture. Read a book before building a modern house, jerkwads.
2. Maryland
Let’s get real, this list wouldn’t be complete without Montgomery County, Maryland.
1. New Jersey (2)
The more you look at this house the deeper the rabbit hole goes. It’s like a fractal McMansion, self-imitating in all the worst ways.
I want to say thanks to everyone who submitted logo proposals! A winner has been selected and notified. I got over 300 proposals and sorting through them was pretty difficult. The new logo will be revealed next week.
Top 10 Fan-Submitted Dank McMansions
Y’all have sent me some dank material. Here’s a list of the dankest:
6. via mbp817 (this appears to be a real estate photo. If you know where this house is or who took the photo, please email me at mcmansionhell@gmail.com so I can appropriately credit them.) Edit,: it has been found. Thank you!
@skylerraytaylor is a great parent - McMansion Hell: Cardboard Playhouse Edition
Gretchen is my fav fan - the guy with the orange hair is Donald Trump lmao
Well that does it for the 2016 retrospective! This year, I’ll be doing a McMansion from every state (in alphabetical order) and kick off the field guide to the dated, as well as a series of articles about the social side of architecture, so stay tuned!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Hello Friends! This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion comes to us from Benton County, Arkansas - aka the home of Wal-Mart. Today’s house is, to make the easy joke, pretty much the Wal-Mart of houses.
This 4-bedroom, 5-bath behemoth was built in 2005 - smack dab in the middle of peak McMansion construction - and can be all yours for just under $900,000 USD.
The…Personal Accountant Foyer
This is such a sad and lackluster foyer with such a puny window that it just doesn’t quite reach Lawyer status, and is more reminiscent of the dark hallows of the personal accountants’ office that was three blocks away from the main strip, adjacent to either a laundromat or a liquor store.
The Dining Room
My mom is into wine, but not like, creepy dollar store canvas print-level into wine.
You know, I’m really into Lord Byron’s epics regarding granite countertops.
“I Love JESUS and my FAMILY” custom felt WINE CHARMS ($29.99 for set of three)
Den? Living Space? 1
It’s super saggy, so I’m going to guess very cheap leather. Also is it just me or does that mantle have a slight downward slope??
Living Area 2
“DID YOU KNOW SHARON that LITTLE JENNY is 35th IN HER ENTIRE CLASS? I think she’s Harvard material personally, but she might settle for Yale.”
Why would you have two huge living rooms, and BOTH OF THEM have fireplaces and TVs? Standard McMansion Protocol calls for one room to have the TV and the other to have the stuffy furniture and unused fireplace.
For all you young’ns out there that don’t get the Windows Media Center joke, feast ur eyes here.
Master Bedroom
When someone has red silk bedsheets like that, you know they own every Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray book and can recite them by memory.
Master Bath
(Normandy is a place in France. It was the base of the Normans, who built dank architecture throughout their empire, which spanned a great deal of Western Europe during the Middle Ages.)
My parents use their garden tub to water their indoor plants.
Sad Child Room
It doesn’t even feel like a bedroom - just a lackluster place where a child could or could not possibly sleep.
Living Room 3
COULD THAT FURNITURE GET ANY MORE BEIGE??
Rec Room
NEVER MIND THIS IS THE WEIRDEST SHAPED ROOM IN THE HOUSE
I can’t even comprehend how such a room takes shape. This is deconstructivist level weird.
And, at last we come to the end of our tour with the backyard.
Rear Elevation
None of the windows are aligned EVEN TO EACH OTHER. I’m having a hard time with this, it’s just that sloppy.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this week’s McMansion! Stay tuned for Sunday’s (New Years Day) McMansionHell 2016 Retrospective!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
P.S. Can anyone help me edit my tumblr theme (it’s called Cliq) so that my images display at their actual sizes instead of the 500px sizes? It was that way originally, but it seems that the theme has been updated and now the pics are tiny again. Thanks!
