Hello friends! I just realized I forgot to tell everyone that I wasn’t going to post this Sunday in order to catch up on work in preparation for finals.
I hope to make up for it with this very sad house.
Some houses require lots of creative backstories to make them fun because they are so boring. This house was so pathetic and sad that I really didn’t need to add many jokes about existential dread, late capitalist irony, or divorce. It kind of speaks for itself.
To give you an idea, this is the most positive picture in the bunch:
This…house, built in 1995, boasts a whopping 5 beds and 6 bathrooms - and can be yours for around $700,000 dollars. Shall we?
Great Room (no foyer pics, sadly)
I told you it was depressing. There’s really no hope for that particular shade of oak in today’s housing landscape. The only time you see wood in that color these days is in Bass Pro Shops and unfortunate log cabins.
But it’s okay, because they HAVE
THE DANKEST SITTING ROOM EVER
LOOK AT IT. Just…feast your eyes on its majesty.
Ok, back to the depressing:
Sitting Room 2
Okay, I’ve never seen drawers beneath a fireplace before. What could you store in them besides fire supplies that wouldn’t get super damaged? Also the placement of the fireplace is just…bizarre. I’m not a fire safety specialist but I am concerned.
Dining Room
I don’t hate my family, but if we all had to sit in that room together, all bets are off. “Honey, will you pass the potatoes?” “No. No I won’t.”
This Kitchen
Also the stairs on the right are carpeted, and it’s ugly carpet.
The Master Bed
I kind of get the high ceiling thing if this is the alternative. $700k and y’all can’t spring for something better? At least the trim is white.
Master Bath
“Brown is an earthy color, warm and inviting. One can definitely not draw comparisons between brown and a common bathroom function.” - The Lowes Bathroom Decoration Book, 2004 Edition, probably
Also I went with the wholesome meme™ his and hers joke just to cheer everyone up a bit during these hard times invoked by having to look at this insufferable place.
Bedroom 2
My gosh this is sad.
Bathroom 2
That window roof access came real handy Jimmy’s sophomore year of high school.
Bedroom 3
will the sun ever come?
Downstairs
I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Bar
Suburban alcoholism is especially depressing because it’s a 30 minute car ride to and from the nearest liquor store so you have extra time to be alone with your self-loathing thoughts.
THAT IS SO DARK!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS HOUSE IS DOING TO ME????
Eldritch space
I personally would have killed to have been that unsupervised as a kid.
Finally (finally) our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
This just defies logic. DEFIES IT.
Anyways, that’s it for Iowa! I will actually post my Sunday post this Sunday, so get ready for some good time 18th century architectural theory. Also, join me next Wednesday for Kansas!
Hello Friends! If you, like me, are currently enrolled in higher education, I’m sure you are probably in what is known as academic hell, AKA the last few weeks of April. I hope that this post cheers you up as you are undoubtedly procrastinating doing something extremely important and also time-sensitive because you are so physically exhausted that you have entered a state of nihilism you did not think possible until this very moment.
But hey, it could be worse - you could be this:
This house, built in 2000, boasts a whopping 5 bedrooms and 6 bathrooms - which can be yours for the low price of $1.1 million dollars. Onward!
Entry
This is an A) really cramped and B) really confusing cathedral of wasted space. I know that architectural symbolism tells me that I go out of the door with the bits of mass-produced art glass around it, but what if I’m feeling defiant? What will I walk into? (It’s probably coats.)
gr8 r00m
I know there’s no such thing as absolute proportions, but Blondel was kind of right when he said that letting up on the rules would invite architectural chaos. It just took like, a few centuries.
not so gr8 room
I knew a lot of people growing up who were not allowed to eat Thin Mints because god forbid they get a little chubby when they went to college - oh how then will they ever seduce a wealthy doctor/lawyer/financier to marry them only to buy a huge house and get divorced ten years later? Ah, the cyclical family traditions of the Southern Nouveau Riche™~
Dining Room
“Mom, I’m not taking your dumb china. Bryce and I are moving into a tiny house.”
Kitchen
What do you mean Rem Koolhaas didn’t write Junkspace about kitchen end cabinet displays? (I’m real into Rem jokes these days. Must be the season.)
Master Bedroom
OK, I spelled gingham correctly this time do not yell at me in emails anymore. Also, don’t yell at me in emails about dumb B- political jokes because I mercilessly laugh at said emails with my friends over drinks. Mercilessly.
Master Bath
woo, I’m on a roll also those lights are in fact upside down
Bedroom 2
Ah, it’s always fun times when McMansion Hell and Actual Hell converge.
Bedroom 3
yeah, this was a little dark. Also can we all lol @ the idea that adult coloring books are supposed to be zen and chill but in reality you end up spending an hour meticulously planning your color scheme and fretting over coloring tiny repetitive bits the wrong color???? Or is this just me?
Bedroom 4
The saddest thing ever is people telling boys they’re not allowed to feel. The other saddest thing ever is this room.
hmm
god it really is exam season if the jokes are this dark. Almost as dark as that brown carpet.
Rec Room
team booze kitchen
Theatre
(resists urge to make PBS funding joke because it kills me inside)
Finally, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Ah my fun new article for [clickbait]: You and your siblings reimagined as bay window layouts on a garbage tract home (Number 3 is sooo true!)
Well, friends that does it for this particularly cruel iteration of the 50 States! Stay tuned next week for an Iowan McMansion, and for Sunday where I don’t get distracted by chocolate this time and post about dead guys who argue about architecture. Have a great rest of your week!
Hello friends! Ah, Illinois, home of Chicago, and a ton of sick modern architecture, and also literally hordes of McMansions. It was so difficult to choose between them, that I had to post a poll on Twitter, which did my work for me as I went to the drugstore and agonized over choosing a new shampoo instead.
Also, for those of you who haven’t read the Naperville post from way back, there’s some jokes in this one that pay it homage.
This wonderful estate, built in 2005, comes in at a whopping 8,800 square feet, and is on the market for around $850,000 smackaroos.
The Cathedral of Wasted Space
I’m bored with the term Lawyer Foyer and have decided to revisit the previous nomenclature.
Are y’all too young for National Velvet? I always wanted to ride horses as a kid but my parents didn’t have 10 million dollars, so I watched movies about them and cried instead.
Dining Room
Ahh, McMansions: designed for giant parties one never has.
Gr8 Room
Who started the overstuffed sofa/chair/set trend??? Why is it so ubiquitous when we can all agree it’s not good looking? It’s like the “sports bar that still vaguely smells like cigarettes” of seating.
Kitchen
‘we got the island as a discount’ ‘rich people don’t need discounts remember?’
WINE ROOM
Whoever brought Barefoot as a gift is banned from the premises forever.
Area where it is implied that work gets done
[architecture joke about Bjarke Ingels being the BIGgest boi]
Master Bedroom
don’t even @ me about that chair.
Do you guys remember when Paris Hilton did that bad song in 2006? Also, here’s a friendly reminder that Panic! at the Disco is 10 years old!
Perhaps what upsets so many people about McMansions is the fact that money really, really can’t buy taste. I know this, because I’m a grad student and I have the best taste.
Finally, our friend:
Rear Exterior
gotta balance your sad zone:dad zone ratio.
Well, that’s it for good ol’ Illinois! Join us on Sunday for our continued journey into the deep and cherished work of guys who made buildings, and for next Wednesday’s grand estate from Indiana!
