Hello friends! This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion is well worth the wait. Every so often I come across a house that is so baselessly tacky, I wonder if the inhabitants have seen what rooms are supposed to look like on TV, like, ever.
Though it might be tame from the outside (by tame I mean clandestinely ugly but surrounded by pretty trees), this 5 bedroom 7 bathroom house, built in 1993, is definitely full of interesting…things. And they all can be yours for 3.3 million dollars!
Obligatory Foyer
Seriously, the weird wood-floor clad nook above the front door is a crime against logic - you can’t get to it without a 14 foot ladder, and it will perpetually tempt your stupid children to try without one.
Can I get that piano mural as a tattoo, because it’s just 2 real and 2 perfect.
The “Great” Room
I don’t have enough friends to fill like half of these seats.
Also that itty bitty step is a total trip hazard.
Dining Room 1
If Dolores Umbridge were a room, she would be this room.
Certified Awesome 90s Kitchen
I swear, I’m having flashbacks about being in Walmart as a young child and getting lost in the bra department and all the bras had the same patterns as these walls and seat cushions and I really just wanted to get back to my mom who was literally around the corner but kids don’t logic real good so I just sat there crying and
Dining Room 2
“Cute 90s Upcycled T-Shirt Custom Fabric Hand Made” ($56)
TV LAIR
Little would they know that their posh setup would be rendered obsolete with the widespread adoption of Picture In Picture circa 2001.
Sketchy Home Office
The wallpaper is especially sketchy.
It’s not like everyone who went to college in the last 5 years hasn’t been harassed by Vector Marketing at the beginning of every semester or anything.
Master Bedroom
So how come the night stands have granite countertops but not the kitchen cabinets??
Master Bathroom
Sadly, the only bathroom visible in the listing.
(Looks in Mirror) (X-Files Theme Plays)
I wish America would adopt the bidet, bc they are a dream.
Bedroom 2
I think I stayed at this hotel once. 2.5/5 stars.
Bedroom 3
Special shoutout to my Patreon donors for enabling me to buy a drawing tablet, which I think is paying off handsomely.
Hella Scary Solitary Confinement Room
Should I call someone? Should I be concerned?
The DANKEST Basement Complex Ever
It’s probably actually dank in the not so good way, too.
I’m seriously impressed by this wine stash, which I doubt was decimated on Election Day, unlike mine. (POLITICAL JOKE)
On second thought, this is a really successful imitation of a 90s Golden Corral.
And finally, we’re at that special point where we take a look at the rear elevation:
Well, that’s it for Oakland County, which has a surprising amount of Late Modern houses, and speaking of Late Modernism - stay tuned for Sunday’s What the Hell is Modern Architecture THE CONCLUSION: Late Modernism.
If you like this post, and want to get access to cool features like the McMansionHell Bingo Cards I’m about to drop and the first round of collectable stickers (designs below), consider supporting me on Patreon!
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Hello Friends! Now that I’ve had my brief reprieve, I’m happy to be back in the saddle again. Thank you for your patience.
This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion comes to us from Naperville, IL - one of my most requested locations.
This 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom beaut, built in 1999, is currently selling for almost $1 million. Not a bad deal for more than 5000 square feet of space.
The Lawyer Foyer
I’m very fond of this term, because it rhymes despite the fact that it looks like it doesn’t because English is a dumb language. Also, what the hell is going on in the top right hand corner there??
Ok is there an ACLU for architecture, because I’d like to report a human rights violation.
The Sitting & Staring Room
I’m pretty sure everyone knows these rooms are just a big lie, because rooms with sofas are for watching TV and nothing more. Y’all aren’t fooling anyone; do you actually think that I sincerely believe y’all sit around and have meaningful conversations? It’s 2016!! /s
The Dining Room
For anyone salty about this year’s Thanksgiving, this one’s for you.
The “This Was Totally Always a Home Office, What Are You Talking About?”
Dang it, ain’t that just sad.
The “Great” Room
As someone who will probably never be able to afford a Noguchi coffee table, this image makes me a human salt mine.
The Kitchen
If you or a loved one knows of a kitchen in desperate need of renovation, the Kitchen Defense Fund can help: call 1-800-34-OVENS, that’s 1-800-34-OVENS. (before i get sued: this isn’t a real thing)
The Breakfast Nook?
Is anyone else laughing at the thought of the ceiling fan blowing people’s napkins off the table or is it just me?
The Master Bedroom
Dammit, Cheryl.
The Master Bathroom
Do not let the softness of the pink walls fool you: the neutral sink territory is still a heavily contested area.
The Spare Bedroom
I’m sorry I can’t make a comment on this room, because I’m overcome with both bitterness and nostalgia.
The Horrifyingly Gendered Bedroom
“Mom, I want to be a mechanical engineer.” “That’s cute, princess.”
Bathroom of Said Gendered Room
Somehow they managed to pick a different colored pink from the pink in the attached bedroom…and this one’s worse.
Bedroom the Fourth
Cheryl always manages to find some way to circumvent Home Depot’s list of banned phone numbers.
MEDIA AND ALCOHOL LAIR
Disclaimer: I’m secretly into that bar.
And, now time for the obligatory…
Rear Exterior Shot!
Well, that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! I’m off to celebrate now, because today is my birthday!!! If anyone is interested in celebrating with me, please consider donating to my preferred charities:
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Howdy, y’all! It’s time for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Whichever one of my Patreon donors who suggested Fort Worth, TX gets a super pat on the back because that place is full of some serious fug.
Before I begin this post, I would like to make a note in regards to some recent emails that go something like “BUT WHY DO YOU MAKE FUN OF INTERIORS? WHAT WOULD YOU PUT IN A HOUSE????!!!!1″ The point of these weekly house post is to make fun of really tacky houses and really tacky staging by real estate agents. If you haven’t noticed, none of the houses I’ve posted look like they’ve ever been lived in by actual people. Actual people have real tastes and it’s (mostly) not fair to make fun of them. But tacky house staging by realtors? Totally up for grabs.
Anyway, back to our scheduled content.
This week’s house, a Mansard built in 1993 (but is totes 1987) is pushing 5,000 square feet, and is currently on the market for $1.3 million USD.
Now, Mansard houses are weird. The style only lasted around 20 years, and is pretty much quintessential 70s weird. Named after the mansard roof, which was popular in a French-influenced Victorian style known as the Second Empire, the Mansard style was popular from around 1965 to 1985. If you’re interested in these strange beasts, be sure to check this link from Washington State University.
However, our house was built in 1993 meaning it’s almost 10 years behind. Whoops.
The Entryway Thing
While there is a brass n glass chandelier in this home, I couldn’t seem to find any views of it, mostly because this REALLY weird staircase/catwalk kinda gets in the way of everything, even itself. The columns really obstruct the path from the front door to anything remotely near the stairs. Whooops.
The Living Room
As you can see in this picture, the staircase/catwalk thing is really weird. Not only is it low to the ground, but it basically shuts the rest of the house out from any sort of light coming from those 2-story fanlight windows. The placing and spacing of the columns would make Borromini cry.
Dining Room 1 of 3
Notes: I feel like there are way too many chairs for this one table and also can anyone else hear the SCREEEEEEEEECH sound of wood on tile in their heads?
Powder Room
Putting a cherub in a bathroom is unsettling to me for some reason. Also special lol @ that spray-painted side table.
Dining Room 2 of 3
I am seriously amazed by this wallpaper. It takes serious balls to put metallic flower-motif wallpaper on your ceiling. I could have done without the leopard print chairs, but to each their own.
Dining Room 3 of 3
I’m starting to think that there are so many dining rooms in these houses because these open, empty spaces aren’t conducive to much else. There’s no privacy and/or way to prevent noise from activities like watching TV from getting into adjacent rooms. This is the key fallacy of the open floor plan.
THIS AMAZING KITCHEN
Ok, if you want to put botanical stickers on your shabby chic cabinets, more power to you. I am really impressed by the two refrigerators. If I had two refrigerators one would be exclusively for booze.
The Dark & Dreary Office/Study
And the award for poorest quality cabinetry goes to….
Master Bedroom
One of my Twitter followers informed me recently that many people who do home staging for a living do in fact buy a lot of their furniture from hotel liquidation sales. This explains a great deal about this bedroom.
The Master Bath
I’m incredibly sad that this was the only view of the master bath, which is honestly incredible.
Bedroom No. 2
Ok don’t get too excited - I’ve only seen like 2 episodes of Doctor Who. This bedroom is almost scarier than that one episode with the weird Medusa angel statues.
And Finally (there was no backyard shots, sadly)
Bathroom No. 2
There are too many metaphors for death in this bathroom.
Well, that wraps it up for this week’s Certified Dank McMansion! Stay tuned for Sunday’s What the Hell Is… post!
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
I’ve been bugged for a while to do a house in Marietta, Georgia, which is a goldmine of dank McMansions. It was indeed difficult to select merely one example to share with you all this week.
The house I’m about to show you is a time capsule back to 1990s interior design and it is amazing. I can’t’ even hate it it’s so amazing.
(Note the pre-2000s lack of double-height entryway.)
This house, built in 1987, and a little under 4,000 square feet, is certainly not the dankest house in and around Marietta, but that’s not why I chose it. I chose it because it’s rare to see a house with an interior that has remained unchanged for so long.
The Foyer
I swear to gawd that I went to this house at some point during my childhood, even though I was no where near Marietta, Georgia. Like, I can see myself excitedly running up those stairs, careful to not knock the random trinkets from their precarious resting place.
The Sitting Room
Has no one lived in this house in the last 26 years? It’s got every 90s design trope in the book: gigham couch, white leather chairs, white walls with teal accents, and brass and glass fan dangling from a precipitously high ceiling.
The Kitchen
OMG y’all think kitchens are white now? White was SO HUGE in the 90s. Everything was white: appliances, counters, floors, chairs, walls, ceilings, you name it, it was white. The gigham wallpaper is especially dated, but luckily for them this style is coming back again, even if white appliances never do.
The Dining Room
Ah yes, the table covered with very heavy fabric, conveniently omitting the idea that people, you know, eat at tables.
The Living Room
Those wall shelves with the chunky brackets are so of their time. And the TV!! They haven’t even bought a new TV since 1996!!!!!
The Master Bedroom
The pale blue and vaguely French-Country theme were both huge in the 90s. Note in particular the coordinated fabrics and the table that has been totally robbed of its function by what seems to be a misplaced drape.
Bathroom #1
Oh man, I used to go to my friends’ houses going up and was always SUPER JEALOUS if they had celestial wallpaper. I simply couldn’t convince my mom that having a bunch of stars and clouds and stuff on the walls was a good idea. I hate to say mom was right on this one.
Study
Fun fact: My parents painted their living room walls this color when I was a kid. Funner fact: they were sponge-textured as well.
Does the paint not going up to the ceiling bother anyone else? All they need to do, fortunately, is get rid of the wallpaper border, paint the walls, and change the bedspread and ELLE Decor will LOVE. IT. (They need to chill with the frills over there, seriously.)
Bathroom #2
Damn, the bathroom from my childhood looked a bit like this, especially that sink. Feels, man.
And, finally,
I mean, you’d be a fool to believe that those super weird ceiling shapes weren’t going to lead to some super weird roof shapes.
If this post has made y’all nostalgic, you’re in luck! While wallpaper borders won’t be coming back any time soon, the rest of this aestheticdefinitely is.
Note: McMansionHell volunteers for the NC Invasive Plant Council. Please consider doing the same for your local Invasive species organization! You’ll get fit and save the earth pulling weeds!
Anyways: That’s it for Marietta, Georgia, folks! If you like plants (or hate them) get hyped for Sunday’s Post: McMansions 101: Landscaping.
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
