Hello Friends! Sorry this post is so belated - between traveling to New York and Columbus as well as midterms, it’s been a rough two weeks for me. Luckily, the worst seems to be over.
Speaking of the worst…
This stunning (and I mean stunning) 1990 house, boasting 4 bedrooms and 5.5 baths tops out at around 5,500 square feet. It can be all yours for around $2 million USD! I hope you like white, because that’s what most of this house is.
Lawyer Foyer
Sometimes I was mean to my little sister, but then she got bigger than me and I stopped. Sorry sis.
Kitchen
A lot of this blog is based off of my personal experiences, including the HOA joke – there was a neighborhood near where I grew up in North Carolina that banned basketballs. It wasn’t until I got much, much older that I understood why.
(Insert Chain Hang Low joke)
Living Room
It’s astonishing to me that the people who built this house managed to cut so many corners that it is expressed in the architecture of every room.
Master Bedroom
Me, (good, pure): the padding is great for acoustics!
Master Bath
If anyone ever tells you that you need to lose 40 pounds before a cocktail party, I hope you throw your chianti blend right in their caked on, Estee Laudered face.
Bedroom 2
“Anyone who dare lie in this bed is cursed to never sleep, for the dull roar of chintz on chintz shall always rouse them to startled wakefulness.” - The Laura Ashley Book of Scary Stories
Bathroom 2
for reference, my pants:
Bedroom 3
Our final room of the week:
Bathroom 3
My other favorite thing is when people put signs in their house that say “KITCHEN” and “LAUNDRY”.
Anyways, it’s time to wrap up our tour with our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
I spend all my time defending architects, I might as well take a crack at them every once in a while.
That does it for New York, folks! Stay tuned for this weeks edition of Looking Around about American Foursquares and next Tuesday’s McMansion from my home state, North Carolina! Have a great weekend.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store will go to help victims of the recent hurricanes.
Greetings friends! Believe me - believe me - this house is going to make up for Monday’s missed post (I’m going to move away from theory next week but more about that later). This may be one of the tackiest McMansions in McMansion Hell history. Behold, my friends, behold!
This incredible chateau, built in 1994, boasts 5 bedrooms and 5.5 baths, totaling around 5,300 square feet. You can be the king or queen of this counterfeit castle for just around $1 million USD!
Without further ado:
The Royal Foyer
Not only is this room the pinnacle of logic, but it made me realize how long it’s been since we had a true brass n glass chandelier! For those of you on the West Coast who don’t know about Dillard’s, giant round windows/entrances are their thing:
The ratio of floor area to ceiling height is rather boggling, even by McMansion standards.
Kitchen
The apples and oranges joke was a test to see if any dads out there read my blog.
Sitting Room 1
The funniest thing about the trim is that if they did continue it, it would run into the types of the windows. Oops, indeed.
The Royal Dining Room
Liberté, égalité, fraternité! If you like French Revolution jokes, friend, oh boy are you in for a treat.
It’s worth mentioning here that ya girl has primary source material related to this room:
The funniest part is that the furniture in the McMansion dining room is a dang knockoff of this insane Italian furniture found in the 1986 International Collection of Interior Design. It’s almost like the people who built this house aren’t *actually* royalty!
Master Royal Bedroom
One has to wonder about the people who decorate their houses to look like royalty, especially the niche practitioners of “Dictator Chic.”
Well, that does it for our lovely tour of this McCastle - now for our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Those balconies are sus af.
Well, that does it for Michigan! Stay tuned for a post Next Monday in which I delve into the nitty gritty details of architecture (what is that random ornament/window style/etc. called anyway?) and dissecting these monstrosities by comparing them to the great houses of the past. Be sure to come back Thursday for a Minnesota McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Hello Friends! As you know, it is a busy day in politics: The British Election (everyone who follows me on Twitter knows my views), and the whole Comey bit back home.
For those of you who are extremely stressed (understandable), here is a little reprieve: a lovely New England Victorian Home.
Just kidding. You know that movie “Shutter Island”? Well, this is Shudder Hell.
This lovely 1996 home features 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths, totaling a reasonable 6,300 square feet. It can be all yours for just around $830,000 USD!
Lawyer 80s Hilton Garden Inn Foyer
That’s right folks, it’s a vintage house. For the purpose of this blog, it has aged wonderfully like a fine wine.
Extremely Good Room
I’m sorry, I can’t get over the Live Love Laugh wallpaper border. I just can’t. Such gifts from above only come every once and a while and we must savor them immensely.
Dining Room
I get a kick out of the things people hang in their houses because of Fixer Upper. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a lid from an aluminum garbage can framed by a magnolia wreath on Pinterest somewhere.
Also, aren’t starburst mirrors passé now?
Kitchen
Is it just me or does this kitchen seem inconvenient in general? The dishwasher is far from the sink, the stove is far from the oven and the refrigerator - I don’t know about y’all but I’m a pretty bad klutz so this is maximizing the possibility of kitchen disaster.
Master Bedroom
Addendum:
Master Bathroom
Here’s the thing about these huge excessive tubs: an outdoor hot tub usually only has to be filled or emptied every once and a while, and is specifically engineered to be hot and steamy. An excessive sunken garden tub is engineered to do none of those things and also has to be filled and refilled constantly - a strain on any home’s hot water heater.
Bedroom 2
There was room for a James Comey joke in the “Bureau” bit but i just decided to go with the English lit references instead.
Bathroom 2
Pretty sure I’ve seen such terraced formations in the actual Zelda games.
Also those are excessively sheer curtains for windows facing the street, but it’s none of my business.
Bedroom 3
I know nothing about sports but I was in Boston for the Superbowl, though I was there to go to see the Boston Symphony because, unlike the New England Patriots, I am a loser.
Furthermore, why is the girls room directly connected to the boy’s room without a “Jack & Jill” bathroom in between? It’s just a little strange, is all.
Bedroom 4
What is even the point of those overpriced stuffed animals? What else can you do except look at it, sit on it for a while before getting bored, or intermittently ask it woeful questions like “Why do mommy and daddy yell at each other so much?”
(I’d like to personally take a moment to thank Lemony Snicket for giving me this sense of humor.)
Oh no! We’re out of house! (shockingly no rec room on this bad boy) All that’s left is:
A Very Bad Photo of the Rear Exterior
All that house and y’all couldn’t spare a decent patio. Tsk Tsk.
Well, that does it for Massachusetts! Join us on Monday, where I go into that time in architecture when mainland Europeans anthropomorphized architecture (”Disney Princesses, but they’re all different types of columns”) and Thursday for a Michigan McMansion!
Have a good weekend!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon!
Hello friends! Bentonville is here to exact its revenge. It was a difficult choice as usual, but some houses just can’t be ignored, and this was one of them. Also, it’s special in that it’s McMansion Hell’s first one-story McMansion!
This lovely 4 bedroom, 6 bathroom house (built in 1994, obviously) is right around 5500 square feet and can be yours for just under $1.7 million USD!
If you think the architecture looks familiar, you might be on to something:
Bonus: This lovely estate also faces a golf course, as our calm-headed, relaxed Realtor® describes thusly:
Without further ado:
Dining Foyer
Let’s be honest, they probably stopped showing Lassie because kids thought dogs are actually smart enough to save them from sudden doom rather than just bark at you. There was probably massive loss of life. That dog has blood on her paws.
Sitting Room
Aww look at that window! It has special drapes made just for it! How nice. :)
Living Room
A curtain expert may correct me, but I think there’s three separate curtain types all on the same windows.
The Kitchen
You know those candles. They have names like Garden Dawn™.
Fun Fact! Edith Wharton wrote one of the first popular books about interior decorating, The Decorating of Houses.
The Master Bath
I only kink-shame if your kink is McMansions. (P.S. luv u tumblr)
MASCULINE WORK SPACE
Are y’all too young to remember this?:
Bedroom 2
I, too, have that corner.
Bathroom 2
Can we acknowledge that we’re better than the default shower-head now? It was a dark time, and like all dark times, must be remembered somberly.
Bedroom 3
hey guys, in case you couldn’t tell from the main joke in this image, I went to college. I am proudly using my college degree by ignoring it completely and writing about McMansions instead.
Bathroom 3
a kinkade is a measurement (metric) of how ‘an art’ something is.
Bonus Room
now i’m sad.
And finally, the rear exterior, which, all things considered is probably the best looking rear exterior you’ll see on this blog all year!
Rear Exterior
I want a sunken hot tub even though it is entirely wasteful and I feel guilty about it.
Anyways, that does it for Arkansas! A reminder that there will be no post this Sunday because I will be in Boston taking a short vacation to see some of my favorite buildings, like:
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
