Howdy folks! I’ve decided to go a little out of order here and get right down to West Virginia. Things have been a bit bleak lately to say the least, and I wanted to share with you a house that pretty much captures the national mood:
This 6 bed, 6 bath brown “contemporary” (contemporary is realtor speak for a house that doesn’t have any shutters) boasts a whopping 6900 square feet and was built in 1993. It can be all yours for around $850,000 USD!
Tort Lawyer Foyer
As we can all see, we’re starting pretty early on with the dreary vibes this house has to offer. This is probably the dreariest lawyer foyer I’ve ever seen, but to be fair, there are some pretty dreary lawyers out there and they deserve representation too.
Formal Room In Which The Family “Sits”
Every decade or so there’s some uncomfortably commodified idea of “Asian” decor that becomes popular, but nothing beats that time in the late aughts where HGTV did those hmmm “feng shui” shows. (if you are an academic writing about material culture, this would be a really interesting paper topic.)
Dining Room
I would have a china cabinet and fill it with all my silly knick knacks. As someone with a chronic case of the “oopsies” i will never have expensive china.
Living Room
hi mom love you
Kitchen
I swear I’ve seen those chairs in like a Boston Market or something. What’s funny about 90s beige is that it’s more gray-tinged (i.e. ‘cold’) which makes it slightly more dreary, whereas 2000s beige is more yellow-tinged (i.e. ‘warm’) and is more mindnumbing. Beige, you see, is a spectrum.
Master Bedroom
Strange that these folks don’t have a little side table or anything to put their phone on before going to bed. even if they’re analog folks, where are y’all gonna put your alarm clock?? on the floor?? i have Questions?
Master Bath
Cell phones definitely killed the intercom market. Generations of wealthy pranksters have been denied the opportunity to harass an entire household of people at once. It’s okay though, they’ve pulled the wool over our eyes anyways by, like, controlling the whole economy and government and stuff.
Bedroom 2
(TED Talk voice): There is the “sincere” market for home goods, and then there is the shadowy “irony” market, which poses a strategic problem for design and its investors.
Bathroom 2
rip beige toilet. u taught me it was ok to be weird.
Hobby Room
ha ha it’s great to do jokes when all i want to do is hide under the covers and sleep away the uncertainty and fear
Den
This is like one of those hacks in video games that lets you dual wield swords or something. (dual wielding living rooms with identical microfiber sectionals is not as cool, admittedly)
Well, (fortunately? unfortunately?) we’re out of rooms, so, without further ado:
Rear Exterior
it is rumored that “computers” may be involved, at this very moment, in the act of “posting”
Anyways folks, that’s it for West Virginia. Up next, Vermont! We’re almost done with the 50 states, folks, and I’m so excited, personally because that means I don’t have to have a tab permanently open that lists them in alphabetical order because no, i didn’t learn the song, sorry.
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
HELLO FRIENDS! Long time no see! It turns out, writing a Master’s thesis is a very long and intense process. Who knew? I’d like to take this time to apologize for my unusually long absence. Fortunately, now that I have successfully GRADUATED, McMansion Hell will finally return to its regular schedule, since it is now my full time job.
What better way to kick off the new season of McMansion Hell than with, well, a McMansion!
This Southern Belle, built in 1994, features 4 bedrooms and 3.5 baths, topping out around 4,000 square feet. It can be all yours for around $1.75 million USD!
Lawyer Foyer
So, since this is ostensibly an educational blog, this type of entryway flanked by columns is conventionally called a “colonnade,” which is a fancy term for a row of columns. A column flush with the ceiling like this looks awkward. In traditional architecture, (which this is arguably trying to imitate) columns should terminate at some kind of entablature, in order to smooth out the transition to the ceiling, usually via a tapered cornice (similar to how crown molding is used to conceal/smoothen the joint between wall and ceiling). This entablature can be very ornate (following the rules of ancient architecture):
Or more simple, modern, abbreviated version), like this mass-produced example from the early 20th century:
Okay. Learnin’s over. Time for more house pictures.
“Sitting” Room
Okay but whomst among us does not remember getting lists of totally ridiculous “street names” of drugs in D.A.R.E.? Like, “Jolly Green Giant” was a street name for marijuana. Trust me, I went to an art school and nobody called it that.
(In all serious, if you or someone you know is struggling with drug abuse, the National Institute of Health recommends these resources. )
Dining Room
Seriously, who wants to see themselves eating? I already have enough to feel embarrassed and/or self conscious about.
Kitchen
I’m pretty sure that ceiling is wood laminate (compare it to the actual wood on the floor). Also is it just me or is the way the lighting is oriented a little odd? Usually I see pendant lights above a bar or an island not a whole kitchen. To each their own, I guess.
Living Room
More like Design “Within Reach for those with thousands of dollars to spend on a single ottoman designed by a dead Danish dude.”
Master Bedroom
The only true way to decorate your bedroom for a spicier marriage is going to couples therapy to try and understand at what point and for what reasons your marriage started feeling so passionless that interior decorating advice seemed like a reasonable (read: non-confrontational) solution to your problems and not an obvious ploy to get you to buy a new sofa from Overstock dot com.
Master Bathroom
i, personally, refuse to bathe without my monumental urns,
Bedroom 2
The obvious solution to window interrupting the molding is getting rid of the window, forcing the inhabitants to live in darkness.
Pedestal Sinks: for when you put personal hygiene on a,,, pedestal,,
Bedroom 3
Two beds under one comforter seems like a surefire way to start an argument over who is stealing the blanket. As a parent, why put yourself in that difficult situation?
Sadly, there’s only one more stop on our tour: OUTSIDE!
My parents’ house didn’t have prom stairs so we just took my prom photos on the front walkway, which partially eliminated the possibility of tripping in heels I had no business trying to walk in.
Well, folks, that does it for South Carolina! Stay tuned for some exciting announcements about future projects for the blog as well as our next installment of Looking Around (On Kitsch).
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Hello Friends! Today we’re visiting a big house in a very small state. It’s possible that this home takes up a significant portion of the state’s total area, a topic that has yet to be thoroughly examined by contemporary cartographers.
This 4 bedroom 2.5 bath home built in 1996 tops out at a whopping ~3,600 square feet. It can be your gray getaway for around $850,000 USD.
Lawyer Foyer
The International Generic Beach Art Competition, founded in 1986, attracts the worlds luminaries: artists, real estate agents, and coastal hotel owners. The winnings are big: successful artists often see their art reproduced in hundreds of mid-ranged hotels along the East and West Coasts and sometimes in the Midwest. This painting, “Sandy Longing,” was a gold medalist in 1994.
Great Room
An eclectic blend of furniture garnishes this stunning room, ranging stylistically between “Upscale Dentists Office” and “Shakers, but, like, rich.”
Kitchen
How many blue linoleum countertops do you think still exist in the world? 100? 1,000?
Dining Room
Realtor, struggling to come up with words to sell the Dumbest House On This Earth: STUNNING…. GRASS!! LOTS OF…CURTAINS!!
Den
“Why all the photographs? Well, WE’VE ONLY GONE TO DISNEY WORLD 43 TIMES. Should all those joyous smiles go undocumented? Nathalie, my goodness.”
Sunroom
I can’t think of a room less suited for watching TV, between the fierce glare and the boominess of all that stone and wood…
Master Bedroom
“‘Beach envy’ is a phenomenon in which upper-class families who aspired to live the coastal lifestyle, but invested in the wrong mutual funds in the mid-80s contract pathological feelings of bitterness, inadequacy, and self-loathing. Symptoms include the stockpiling of ‘beachy’ items, white noise machines, and fans, and assigning children coastal names, such as ‘Hamptons’, or ‘Rehoboth.’” - excerpt from the Journal of Affluenza Studies Vol. 4, Issue 8.
Bedroom 2
“Mother asked Lindon Jr.’s wife whether or not she dressed up as a scullery maid for Halloween at no less than 28 consecutive Thanksgivings.”
Bedroom 3
“Strawberry Hopscotch” was a signature 1994 pattern featured in several magazines, including Sophisticated Child, and Elite Textiles.
Alas, our tour has about come to a close. Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part:
Rear Exterior
(extremely literary pun voice); “Wide Sargrasso Sea”
I hope you enjoyed our Rhode Island tour! Stay tuned for next week’s South Carolina McMansion, plus Looking Around: On Infrastructure.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Hello folks! I apologize if some of these jokes don’t make sense, I’m still recovering from an unfortunate bout of food poisoning. Did you know that in Maryland, restaurants are not required to display sanitation scores? Wild!!
Anyways, today’s house is situated in the rural Oregon forest. This is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, there are fewer people around who have to look at it. On the other hand, millions of deer have to suffer its injustice.
This ~5,000 square foot white wonder, built in 1994 boasts 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. It could be all yours for just $850,000!
Lawyer Foyer
The best part is the very strange positioning of the chandelier, caused by the ubiquitous desire to hang it so it can be seen through the foyer window while having to reconcile the fact that the ceiling is a geometric train wreck.
Living Room
Someone older than me please tell me if this is what Victoria’s Secret used to look like in the 1980s.
Dining Room
Honestly, having read enough about the ancients, they’d probably be okay with the carpet column. That level of self-indulgence is very Roman.
Kitchen
I seriously wish Martha Stewart’s Cracker Barrel® Kitchen was a real book you could buy. It seems so real, yet is too good to be true.
Bedroom
“Maximalism” is code for “bringing back Laura Ashley”. Also I’m sorry for making the cheap Pacific Northwest natural light joke - I’ve been suffering from a really bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder this winter and it’s no joking matter. :(
Master Bedroom
This room is larger than the average Baltimore apartment. I’m not kidding, I’m in fact, upset,,
Master Bath
I don’t know why I like the hunter green velvet valances, I just know that I do. Sometimes people have bad ideas. Nobody’s perfect. If you can’t love me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best. Don’t tread on m- you get the point.
Reject Room
This took a dark turn.
Man Office™
Very Cosmopolitan Literature That Is Not Just for Middle-Aged Men
Bedroom 3
Real Talk: Wuthering Heights makes me cry every time, without exception.
Well, we’re out of fun rooms, which leaves us with our best friend in the whole world:
Rear Exterior
Cool that Shrek finally found a lit vacation home. Good for him.
Anyways that does it for Oregon! Stay tuned for another installment of Looking Around, and for next week’s Pennsylvania McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
