Hello folks! I apologize if some of these jokes don’t make sense, I’m still recovering from an unfortunate bout of food poisoning. Did you know that in Maryland, restaurants are not required to display sanitation scores? Wild!!
Anyways, today’s house is situated in the rural Oregon forest. This is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, there are fewer people around who have to look at it. On the other hand, millions of deer have to suffer its injustice.
This ~5,000 square foot white wonder, built in 1994 boasts 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. It could be all yours for just $850,000!
Lawyer Foyer
The best part is the very strange positioning of the chandelier, caused by the ubiquitous desire to hang it so it can be seen through the foyer window while having to reconcile the fact that the ceiling is a geometric train wreck.
Living Room
Someone older than me please tell me if this is what Victoria’s Secret used to look like in the 1980s.
Dining Room
Honestly, having read enough about the ancients, they’d probably be okay with the carpet column. That level of self-indulgence is very Roman.
Kitchen
I seriously wish Martha Stewart’s Cracker Barrel® Kitchen was a real book you could buy. It seems so real, yet is too good to be true.
Bedroom
“Maximalism” is code for “bringing back Laura Ashley”. Also I’m sorry for making the cheap Pacific Northwest natural light joke - I’ve been suffering from a really bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder this winter and it’s no joking matter. :(
Master Bedroom
This room is larger than the average Baltimore apartment. I’m not kidding, I’m in fact, upset,,
Master Bath
I don’t know why I like the hunter green velvet valances, I just know that I do. Sometimes people have bad ideas. Nobody’s perfect. If you can’t love me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best. Don’t tread on m- you get the point.
Reject Room
This took a dark turn.
Man Office™
Very Cosmopolitan Literature That Is Not Just for Middle-Aged Men
Bedroom 3
Real Talk: Wuthering Heights makes me cry every time, without exception.
Well, we’re out of fun rooms, which leaves us with our best friend in the whole world:
Rear Exterior
Cool that Shrek finally found a lit vacation home. Good for him.
Anyways that does it for Oregon! Stay tuned for another installment of Looking Around, and for next week’s Pennsylvania McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Hello Friends! As they say, Missouri loves Company! And boy do we have some:
Today’s house, built in 1999, has 4 beds and 5 baths, toppling almost 4,000 square feet. It can be all yours for around $750,000 USD.
Also, a note on this house: the non-master bedrooms were not staged, so a lot of personal items, therefore this post does not feature those rooms. Luckily there’s plenty of other Certified Dank™ content.
For the 3rd week in a row, we are in a Lawyer Foyer pic drought so enjoy this dining room:
Y’all can still learn from these roasts. Also if we’re being extremely pedantic St Charles County is actually NOT in the prairie ecosystem, it merely kisses it:
for the uninitiated: the Kinkade Scale is a measurement of how ‘an art’ something is. Also my thesis is a taxonomy of 20th century concert halls and folks, most people fall asleep in concert halls - reading about them…? hmm
Kitchen
What in the fresh hell are those built-ins over the cabinets??? What is the point of making your $30 tchotchkes look like they’re floating in mid-air? I…I, just don’t understand.
one of these days I’m going to make a special McMansion Hell “choose your own depressing and nihilistic yet entirely predictable to the point of cliche metaphor activity book.”
That second arch over the fireplace definitely wins the “most useless arch of, like, maybe this month” award.
Master Bedroom
Check out that sweet valance that matches the bedspread that is PEAK 1999. Also I know the rug is fake, this is about symbolism.
Can we laugh at how the stone veneer on the fireplace is only on the front but none of the sides? Also obligatory joke about a certain pair of golden arches and a specific type of poorly built large suburban home.
The downstairs bar thing gets me every time. The funniest part is moralizing to teens “don’t drink until you’re 21″ but then there’s an entire bar in their basement with a sick pool table? What kind of message is that? Don’t go to the bar BUT HERE’S A BAR IN YOUR HOUSE.
In addition, if there’s a kid or young adult who is unusually adept at (full sized table) pool, it may be time to ask some questions about their parents’ architectural preferences, especially if you happen hate said kid or young adult.
THE THEATRE
Insert pun on [National Treasure (title)] Insert [Extremely Passe Reddit Nicholas Cage Joke c. 2012] Insert [I…worked on these jokes for a year…and…he…just] Joke Insert [I’m going to steal the {topically related substitute for the Declaration of Independence} Joke]
Comedy!
Finally we get to our happy place, the rolling turfgrass meadows of the
Rear Exterior
Rear Facing Garage makes it look like the house has its pants on backwards.
Anyways, that’s it for today’s McMansion! Stay tuned for this week’s Looking Around (which will be on Sunday this week, because this Saturday is bad for me), and next week’s Montana McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Hello Friends! Sorry for the late post - I got distracted yesterday by taking a moment to enjoy the beautiful weather after shutting myself in various libraries for so long as to not see the sun. :)
Welcome to Kansas - the heart of America. [Insert Wizard of Oz joke just to get that out of the way]. Did you know that Kansas was also the inspiration for the 19th century mathematical fantasy Flatland? Wow! The longing for topological variation explains the rather mountainous layout of our lovely estate:
This classic Beigehaus™ was built in 1996, and boasts 4 bedrooms + 4.5 baths, totaling around 4800 square feet. It can be all yours for the LOW LOW price of 25,060 payments of $19.95 + S&H. Sorry no CoD.
Law Student Foyer
The carpet on the stairs is what gets me. I swear I’ve stared at that floor in some sort of big box store as an impressionable child and it is here to haunt me for buying beer at Walmart over winter break.
Foyer/Dining
Maximalism is coming and it is difficult to get right. I’m talking very, very, very, very difficult. I am going to have A DANG FIELD DAY and I CANNOT WAIT.
WHOLESOME LIVING ROOM
Because I know most of you are going through finals right now, I wanted to provide to you a small island of wholesomeness to get you through your day! Please remember to drink lots of water and take good care of yourselves during this time of deep strife.
:)
Place of devoted labor
My mom is ready to pistol-whip the deer that have decided to stage a coup against her valiant attempts at landscaping. Also dumpster rococo is 100% a reverb-saturated girl band.
Sitting Room where people actually sit
i am a v sensitive girl and hunting makes me sad bc i love birds & other folk and think the whole sport is only acceptable to control the deer population whose natural predators have been driven away due to habitat loss so people can build their fake ugly houses with massive useless lawns.
Area for Mastication
sponge paint that looks like a wet kitchen sponge that is nearing the time for replacement = methodology becoming metaphor or something dumb like that.
Kitchen
I like my friends and want to acknowledge and appreciate them :)
Master Bed
That sitting area could be a 1996 exhibit in a design museum. That green marble tho.
Master Bath
gotta give people credit when they try.
Bedroom 2 [sad]
I can’t not be dark - I still have 2 exams next week.
Basement
Ah, high school - a time when I thought my classical music career would swiftly and effortlessly take off.
And finally, our friend the rear exterior:
Is there a new fancy 8-letter literary term for the deliberate subversion (really a deconstruction, thanks Derrida) of grammar and syntax in internet humor yet? Because I’m p sure high school English teachers would love that.
Anyways, that does it for Kansas! Based on current exam priorities, there’s not going to be a Sunday post next week, but the schedule should be back on track the week after. Stay tuned for Wednesday’s Kentucky McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Hello Friends! Yesterday was my last day of school before exams, a generally hectic time. This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion (Friday Edition) comes to us from the home of some of America’s most beautiful architecture, and the city of Chicago: Cook County, IL.
Man, for all the incredible buildings in Cook County, y’all have some real doozies. It was a hard decision this week, especially because y’all have some of the most impressive vintage 80s interiors in history. But since I secretly like that stuff, I opted for something a little more…bland and ugh.
This 1991 treasure is a whopping 7,000 square feet and selling for close to 2 million USD. Without further ado:
The Cathedral of Wasted Space
My suspicion is that Martha Stewart’s grandmother decorated this house.
Sitting Room One
How much does vintage chintz go for on Etsy these days?
Sitting Room Two
That weird fake/whitewashed “bamboo” furniture is an interesting interior design phenomenon not looking to make a comeback anytime soon.
Sitting Room Three
The bonus of that maple/whitewashed furniture is that you can’t really tell when it’s been sunbleached.
Kitschy Kitchen
On another note, how many white countertops like this are even left in the world?
The Master Bedroom
Dream Job: vintage wallpaper designer. The goal is to make a room look as unsettled and busy as possible
The Master Bathroom
How much water do you think it takes to get that shower room sufficiently warm? Also the dedication to matching throughout this house is definitely to be admire. My socks don’t even match today.
Bedroom Two
((POLITICAL JOKE)) ((APOLOGIES))
Bathroom Two: Revenge of the Tub
Sorry mom about the kitchen comment - I’m actually nostalgic for those simpler times with more complex wallpaper. Also sorry bout that tub comment; I’m a little nihilistic these days, as is every college/grad student in the country right now.
Bedroom Three
Long since gone are the days where our wall art coordinated with our matching lamps and carpet. Simpler times, my friends.
Sad Upstairs Oddly-Shaped Dumping Ground
I think I have that Pottery Barn catalog somewhere.
Even Sadder Basement
Lonely Hearth just wants someone home for Christmas. :(
Finally, our favorite and final part of the tour:
Rear Exterior
I find the landscaping more pleasant than the house.
Well that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Fair warning: Sunday’s post might be postponed due to the end of the year exams. Then, it’s winter break and boy do we have some goodies for you, including a McMansion Hell Hall of Shame.
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
