Hello Friends! Finally, our Ohio house! Luckily for you, this house is one of those time-capsule houses I wrote about in my last post. Even though the time-capsule period was from the 1990s, judging by the exterior they were trying for something around the 1490s.
This lovely 4 bedroom 2.5 bathroom house was built in 1987. It topples out at around 4,500 square feet and can be all yours for around $590,000 USD.
Without further ado:
Junior Attorney Foyer
To this day, I have no idea what, if anything, is above this front entrance. I can only assume that whatever it is, it’s rarely used.
Dining Room
Apparently the “soft colonialist” look was in. (Also, I have no idea why the text is resizing to be so small).
Kitchen
A child knows no fear greater than accidentally triggering the garbage disposal when surreptitiously seeking out a midnight snack.
Dining Room 2??
Re: Sconces: something something about Dionysus.
Living Room
The prom photo is the only one from the series in which Michael is absent (they broke up, dramatically, at the prom.)
Extremely Good Sunroom
1 Like = 1 Respect
Master Bedroom
Full Disclosure: I have never seen any version of The Real Housewives, but somehow I fully believe that they’d all be really into this color.
Master Bathroom
No amount of silk flowers and potpourri will ever make this bathroom not smell like wet feet.
Bedroom 2
I WANTED THE SPOTTED CARPET SO BADLY and HERE I AM getting my DIVINE RETRIBUTION. Also, does that ceiling look like marble-patterned wallpaper or is it just the light? I hope it’s just the light.
Reject Bedroom
That photo feels like I’ve stumbled upon something I shouldn’t have. Does anyone else hear distant sirens growing ever-more close???
Wreck Room
The best part of being priced out of an area is moving to a new area that’s currently undergoing the same process at the nefarious hands of…your graduate school. (Going to graduate school continues to be a major self-own for me.)
Anyways, now it’s time for our favorite part of the post:
Rear Exterior
Here I am rating pools like some kind of authority when the last pool I’ve been in is the pool of shower water up to my ankles caused by a stubbornly draino-resistant tub shower.
Anyways, folks, that’s it for Ohio! Be sure to join me for another edition of Looking Around and for next week’s Oklahoma McMansion!
Now for the Announcements Section!
HEY FOLKS! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THIS FRIDAY!
Here are a few things you can do if you want to celebrate with me!
Consider supporting me on Patreon! I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content!
If you’re feeling particularly nice, you can view my book wishlist here: http://a.co/j5LNE0R
Hello friends! Today’s house is very special in that I’m not quite sure I’ve ever seen a house that botched the Tudor style as bad as this one has.
This 1987 house can certainly be considered “unique.” Enjoy a lovely selection of 6 bedrooms and 5 baths, coming in at around 6000 square feet. This princely estate can be all yours for around $800,000 USD.
Sadly, there’s no pic of the foyer, but fortunately the dining room gives us a glimpse of it:
Dining Room
I love how they could afford real columns on top of the half-wall but not for the other supports in the room, which are incredibly cringey.
Formal Living Room
My senior prom was less formal than this. Statistically, it was only a matter of time before Degas made it into the mix of artists people vaguely recognize enough to put in tacky frames on their walls. RIP.
awesome kitchen
This is one of the only kitchens I’ve ever liked the whole time I’ve been doing this blog, let me have this.
Informal Living Room
I have definitely been wicked drunk on a couch that looks like this. Shoutout to my college days.
Master Bedroom
Friendly reminder that Little House on the Prairie was not intended for use as an interior decorating guide.
Master Bathroom
Honestly, at this point, I’d love to live in a place with a porch or other outdoor area.
Bedroom 2
Pretty sure I saw this bed in a twitter ad for Architectural Digest. Shoutout to spinsterhood, the only sport I’ve ever been good at.
Bathroom 2
his and hers level: the kinds of dudes my sister’s into.
Rec Room
fun fact: Windows 98 teal is my favorite color
embarrassing fact: I would love some white 90s track lighting in my apartment.
Other (??) Rec Room
Something something Jane Eyre except the woman in the attic is a family in a secret basement with an air hockey table. Lin-Manuel Miranda, are you listening?? This could be huge.
Suspicious Office
The dog picture should be required for every psychiatrist’s office because look at it.
Well, folks, we’re all out of house. You know what that means!
Rear Exterior
The only thing I can give them props on is consistency in their huge windows. Also for keeping their trees. Trees are…excellent as heck.
Well, that does it for Minnesota! Join us tomorrow for a post on cute little houses in the Minimal Traditional style, and how they’ve managed to morph into, well, McMansions. Next Thursday: Mississippi!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Hello everyone. I am late, but I hope to make up with what may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s so great it’s going to give me nightmares for the next three weeks. I had a dream once in the 5th grade that I went swimming with Lemony Snicket in a black pond that led to a furnace instead of a waterfall. That is perhaps the only scary dream I can remember verbatim, until now.
Before I show you this house, I need to introduce with what the Realtor®™ has to say:
When a Realtor™® writes a description with not a single word in all caps, you know something is very, very wrong.
I want to put a disclaimer here: of all the houses I’ve ever done, this is the only one that’s had less than 10 days on Zillow. Since I am more terrified of realtors than Aunt Josephine, I would like to take the time to articulate my copyright disclaimer before anyone dare pull the trigger on this bad-boy.
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
Now back to business.
Our charmer is a 5 bed, 4 bath stunner built in 1988.
wait we need to go deeper
We are literally looking at a trash house. The front door is a sickly coo-coo clock articulated in dung. Several of the windows are crooked. I don’t know if that can properly described as a frieze along the roofline, as I’m not an expert in trash classicism.
The Lawyer Foyer
Do you know how hard it is to refrain from just talking about adult entertainment with this house? This house has its own obscenity laws.
The Living Thing
Pretty sure the floor is actually lava in that next room.
Dining Room?
Yeah, this is about the level of discomfort I felt going to my first college party. Probably stickier though.
The Kitchen
Okay, I have lived in some grody apartments over the years, but nothing has had as much grode as this house costing around half a million dollars. I’m having some crippling self-doubt about my upward mobility these days.
Bathroom 1
Maybe it was summer camp when they talked about Athlete’s foot. Puberty has permanently blocked out my memory.
Bedroom 1
Am I too old to use smh?
Bathroom 2
What’s unsettling about the toilet? I can’t tell what that stain is under the lid nor can I assume what kind of people would purchase such a device.
Bedroom 2
God, you know someone died in there. Also, is it just me or could this image replaced with some other text totally be the cover of a really bad shoegaze album c.1996?
Things men could put in those drawers: - half-used pomade tins - assorted toothbrushes - needlessly gendered jokes about men by women
Bar
***SCREEEE** “AGENT MILLER WE HAVE A ***SCREEEE*** 187 I REPEAT A 187 VICTIM IS 5′4″ AROUND 120 POUNDS NO SIGN OF STRUGGLE”
***SCREEEE*** “I HEAR YOU AGENT BRODEN I’M ON MY WAY WITH MY CONVENIENTLY MULTIRACIAL TEAM AND CANINE TEN-FOUR”
***gets to crime scene***
“INSTANT crime test is positive for roofies. Who would do such a thing to such a promising young girl?????stares at camera somberly” “I don’t know sensitive but strong female agent but we’ll get to the bottom of it.” PULLS OUT HYPER-IPAD. you know what? this joke is over, I’m done.
Finally, the rear elevation:
the poetic justice is oozing from the walls.
Well, that does it for California. I know I said I was going to do a double feature. I know I said it with my own keyboard. But here is the truth, friends: I got off the bus back from North Carolina at 5PM. I am exhausted, and honestly, a little :(. I’m excited to get to STRAYA tomorrow, despite the :(. I want to move there.
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
I’ve been bugged for a while to do a house in Marietta, Georgia, which is a goldmine of dank McMansions. It was indeed difficult to select merely one example to share with you all this week.
The house I’m about to show you is a time capsule back to 1990s interior design and it is amazing. I can’t’ even hate it it’s so amazing.
(Note the pre-2000s lack of double-height entryway.)
This house, built in 1987, and a little under 4,000 square feet, is certainly not the dankest house in and around Marietta, but that’s not why I chose it. I chose it because it’s rare to see a house with an interior that has remained unchanged for so long.
The Foyer
I swear to gawd that I went to this house at some point during my childhood, even though I was no where near Marietta, Georgia. Like, I can see myself excitedly running up those stairs, careful to not knock the random trinkets from their precarious resting place.
The Sitting Room
Has no one lived in this house in the last 26 years? It’s got every 90s design trope in the book: gigham couch, white leather chairs, white walls with teal accents, and brass and glass fan dangling from a precipitously high ceiling.
The Kitchen
OMG y’all think kitchens are white now? White was SO HUGE in the 90s. Everything was white: appliances, counters, floors, chairs, walls, ceilings, you name it, it was white. The gigham wallpaper is especially dated, but luckily for them this style is coming back again, even if white appliances never do.
The Dining Room
Ah yes, the table covered with very heavy fabric, conveniently omitting the idea that people, you know, eat at tables.
The Living Room
Those wall shelves with the chunky brackets are so of their time. And the TV!! They haven’t even bought a new TV since 1996!!!!!
The Master Bedroom
The pale blue and vaguely French-Country theme were both huge in the 90s. Note in particular the coordinated fabrics and the table that has been totally robbed of its function by what seems to be a misplaced drape.
Bathroom #1
Oh man, I used to go to my friends’ houses going up and was always SUPER JEALOUS if they had celestial wallpaper. I simply couldn’t convince my mom that having a bunch of stars and clouds and stuff on the walls was a good idea. I hate to say mom was right on this one.
Study
Fun fact: My parents painted their living room walls this color when I was a kid. Funner fact: they were sponge-textured as well.
Does the paint not going up to the ceiling bother anyone else? All they need to do, fortunately, is get rid of the wallpaper border, paint the walls, and change the bedspread and ELLE Decor will LOVE. IT. (They need to chill with the frills over there, seriously.)
Bathroom #2
Damn, the bathroom from my childhood looked a bit like this, especially that sink. Feels, man.
And, finally,
I mean, you’d be a fool to believe that those super weird ceiling shapes weren’t going to lead to some super weird roof shapes.
If this post has made y’all nostalgic, you’re in luck! While wallpaper borders won’t be coming back any time soon, the rest of this aestheticdefinitely is.
Note: McMansionHell volunteers for the NC Invasive Plant Council. Please consider doing the same for your local Invasive species organization! You’ll get fit and save the earth pulling weeds!
Anyways: That’s it for Marietta, Georgia, folks! If you like plants (or hate them) get hyped for Sunday’s Post: McMansions 101: Landscaping.
Copyright Disclaimer:All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
