Howdy, folks! We’re halfway through the 70s, and I thought I’d celebrate with a time capsule house stuck weirdly enough, in the 80s. Our house this time comes to us from Fairfield County, Connecticut, and while it may not be an obvious contender on the exterior, I promise you won’t be disappointed once we head through that door.
This house, despite its modest exterior, boasts 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, and just over 5300 square feet. It can be yours for just over $2.2 million USD. I know you’re dying to see what’s inside, so I won’t keep you any longer.
Lawyer Foyer
As you can see, painting the walls white did not take the 70s out of this house. The disappointing part is that this is the room with the most vestiges of its 70s past - that wrought iron railing, pink linoleum, and pseudo-gothic chandelier definitely affirm that originally this house was much, much groovier before its 80s redux.
Great Room
The realtor described this house as “transitional” which in some cases is a polite way of saying “trapped between stylistic movements and terrified to death of choosing one.”
Sitting Room
Alright, alright, here’s one for the 80s aesthetic blogs. You’re welcome.
Dining Room
As a form of economic stimulus, I am willing to accept giant cabinets and twee bird knickknacks. Speaking of giant cabinets, that one is, like, hearse-sized. How many candelabras and cloth napkins could one family possibly possess?
Also, for some reason, the listing did not include any pictures of the kitchen, so we’ll have to go right into the master bedroom.
Master Bedroom
Even in the 80s, was there ever a time where this aesthetic didn’t look, well, grandmotherly?
Bedroom 2
I’m moving in a few weeks and my back hurts just thinking about trying to lift that furniture!!!!
Bonus Room
I have to give credit where credit is due: this room is cool, and I would absolutely chill in it. Which goes to prove how deeply uncool these rich people are for not using it for chilling or any other activities.
Rec Room
The drop-ceiling/can light combo is somewhat rare in terms of McMansion bonus rooms, as is that diagonal wood paneling which I unironically stan. Forget shiplap!!!
Alright, that’s it for our interior. Now to check out the rear exterior which proves once and for all that this house is, in fact, a McMansion.
Rear Exterior
Honestly, I don’t know what kind of house this is - my guess is that it’s, like, a post-split-level, whatever that means. Either way, it’s super tacky and I’m glad I found it so I could share it with all of you. Check back here soon for another 70s house, as well as a much-needed update to the Brutalism Post.
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Hello friends! Today’s house is very special in that I’m not quite sure I’ve ever seen a house that botched the Tudor style as bad as this one has.
This 1987 house can certainly be considered “unique.” Enjoy a lovely selection of 6 bedrooms and 5 baths, coming in at around 6000 square feet. This princely estate can be all yours for around $800,000 USD.
Sadly, there’s no pic of the foyer, but fortunately the dining room gives us a glimpse of it:
Dining Room
I love how they could afford real columns on top of the half-wall but not for the other supports in the room, which are incredibly cringey.
Formal Living Room
My senior prom was less formal than this. Statistically, it was only a matter of time before Degas made it into the mix of artists people vaguely recognize enough to put in tacky frames on their walls. RIP.
awesome kitchen
This is one of the only kitchens I’ve ever liked the whole time I’ve been doing this blog, let me have this.
Informal Living Room
I have definitely been wicked drunk on a couch that looks like this. Shoutout to my college days.
Master Bedroom
Friendly reminder that Little House on the Prairie was not intended for use as an interior decorating guide.
Master Bathroom
Honestly, at this point, I’d love to live in a place with a porch or other outdoor area.
Bedroom 2
Pretty sure I saw this bed in a twitter ad for Architectural Digest. Shoutout to spinsterhood, the only sport I’ve ever been good at.
Bathroom 2
his and hers level: the kinds of dudes my sister’s into.
Rec Room
fun fact: Windows 98 teal is my favorite color
embarrassing fact: I would love some white 90s track lighting in my apartment.
Other (??) Rec Room
Something something Jane Eyre except the woman in the attic is a family in a secret basement with an air hockey table. Lin-Manuel Miranda, are you listening?? This could be huge.
Suspicious Office
The dog picture should be required for every psychiatrist’s office because look at it.
Well, folks, we’re all out of house. You know what that means!
Rear Exterior
The only thing I can give them props on is consistency in their huge windows. Also for keeping their trees. Trees are…excellent as heck.
Well, that does it for Minnesota! Join us tomorrow for a post on cute little houses in the Minimal Traditional style, and how they’ve managed to morph into, well, McMansions. Next Thursday: Mississippi!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Every once in a while, I discover an extraordinarily special place. And by special I mean hideous. Bergen County, New Jersey is that place. This will not be the first, nor the last time this county will show up on this blog, as its houses and I have a long working relationship ahead of us.
So where to start? I used this house as an example in another post before (can’t remember which one) but I knew from the first time I saw it, that I needed to dive deeper.
Man, where to start. First of all, the exterior of this house appears to be screaming in two different ways: either the two dormers, or the two “sidelight” windows are the eyes, with the door being the agape mouth. With the absurd windows on the front facade, the silly fake quoins, and the pseudo-Palladian elements scattered all over the place, I have a feeling this place is going to go down in McMansionHell history as a Certified Dank™ Legend.
This house (built in 1988 as we will all soon see) has seven bedrooms and six bathrooms, and is currently retailing for almost 3.5 million dollars.
By far, my favorite McMansions are the ones that are like time capsules. You open the obnoxiously large front door and step into the obnoxiously large entryway and are instantly transported into another era.
In this case, that era is 1988.
Front Entryway
My favorite part about the 80s was how they axed all of the environmental reforms made in the 70s while simultaneously obsessing over having as many house plants as possible.
Living Room (1 of 2)
At least piano makers are thankful that their art is being funded by those who buy large instruments as symbols of wealth.
Study
Fake book subjects commonly include: - Business - Law - Classic Literature
Dining Room (1 of 2)
Seriously I don’t think you guys are prepared for what you’re about to see.
This has to be one of the best worst vintage 80s rooms I’ve ever seen.
Dining Room (2 of 2)
Those poor plants, working like slaves for the man.
The Kitchen!
Who thought that orange was a remotely good idea?? Spoilers: it was probs HGTV.
Living Room (2 of 2)
Luckily for the homeowner, many elements from this room (the furniture and wall color) are coming back in style again, as dark green is all the rage this year apparently.
Master Suite (Part 1)
Shocked that the drapes don’t have the same pattern as the wallpaper.
Master Suite (Part 2)
P sure the hyper-femininity of the 80s and early 90s were what led to the creation of the ManCave during the dawn of the 21st century.
Master Bathroom
This bathroom almost looks like it came out of a Robert A.M. Stern coffee table book from the late 80s. Whoever did this interior was a licensed interior designer. I’m pretty sure those vanities are custom.
On to the last room of our tour! (Somehow there weren’t pictures of the other 6 bedrooms or the other 5 baths…)
The Basement
Seriously the mirrored door is hella choice.
Fortunately, our tour ends on a positive note this week, as the rear of this house actually makes some architectural sense:
Rear Exterior
Well folks, I hope you enjoyed that tour as much as I did. I love these time capsule houses - you can learn a lot from studying the design trends of the past; most notably, when they’re coming back.
Stay tuned for this Sunday’s special post, McMansionHell from A to Z (Part Two) and, of course, next week’s dank McMansion!
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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
