OOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE UGH COMES SWEEPIN’ DOWN THE PLAIN!
McMansion Hell is back from the Finals From Hell and do I have a treat for y’all:
Hoo boy, this house is wilder than a collegiate football rivalry, with a roofline that’s probably the most mountainous geography in the whole state. This wonderful 1998 abode, featuring 4 beds and 5 baths, tops out at around 6500 square feet. It can be all yours for around $750,000 USD!
Without further ado:
The Lawyer Foyer
✓ Topography joke ✓ Typography joke
“Those DANG Girl Scouts always coming around these parts asking for a handout! Who do they think we are, Uncle Sam?!” “Grandpa, can we please not talk about this at Thanksgiving dinner?”
Dining Room
Side note: I just watched Seinfeld for the first time (I know, I know), and I have to say everyone who is painting their kitchen cabinets muted colors right now is only a collection of cereal boxes away from imitating Jerry’s kitchen.
Great Room
Wait a second, what the heck is that reflection in Mirror No. 1?? Mother of…
This is more goth than that time I told myself in the 10th grade that I refused to date anyone who didn’t in some way resemble Robert Smith from The Cure.
Speaking of dark…
Hell’s Kitchen
(Combining two jokes in one): Hell has a foyer just for the lawyers, amirite??
Living Room
Antique Roadshow, 2026:
Announcer Bot 3000: My goodness! This is the largest collection of bland, mass produced art I have ever seen! Don’t you realize what this means?
Collector: *face brightens up in astonishment*
Announcer Bot 3000: You’re going to be a five-dollar-aire!
Collector: …oh.
Master Bedroom
Having a babby ceiling fan just to cool you off during the two times a year you guilt yourself into using the elliptical is the perfect demonstration of the sheer fecklessness of stupidly wealthy people.
Master Bath
Nothing makes for a relaxing, soothing bath like being reminded of the brief period of innocent joy prior to the imminent Fall of All Mankind.
Bedroom 2 (Mustache Room)
Congrats to these homeowners for making beige walls and ceilings somehow goth.
Sadly, there’s no shots of the rear exterior (I can only assume the realtor was blinded by what they saw), but don’t worry, this rec room more than makes up for it:
Rec Room
>mfw
Well folks, that does it for our Oklahoma House! Join us this weekend for a special Looking Around (on sound), and next Wednesday for our Oregon McMansion of the Week! Have a Happy Winter Festivities Session!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Greetings friends! Believe me - believe me - this house is going to make up for Monday’s missed post (I’m going to move away from theory next week but more about that later). This may be one of the tackiest McMansions in McMansion Hell history. Behold, my friends, behold!
This incredible chateau, built in 1994, boasts 5 bedrooms and 5.5 baths, totaling around 5,300 square feet. You can be the king or queen of this counterfeit castle for just around $1 million USD!
Without further ado:
The Royal Foyer
Not only is this room the pinnacle of logic, but it made me realize how long it’s been since we had a true brass n glass chandelier! For those of you on the West Coast who don’t know about Dillard’s, giant round windows/entrances are their thing:
The ratio of floor area to ceiling height is rather boggling, even by McMansion standards.
Kitchen
The apples and oranges joke was a test to see if any dads out there read my blog.
Sitting Room 1
The funniest thing about the trim is that if they did continue it, it would run into the types of the windows. Oops, indeed.
The Royal Dining Room
Liberté, égalité, fraternité! If you like French Revolution jokes, friend, oh boy are you in for a treat.
It’s worth mentioning here that ya girl has primary source material related to this room:
The funniest part is that the furniture in the McMansion dining room is a dang knockoff of this insane Italian furniture found in the 1986 International Collection of Interior Design. It’s almost like the people who built this house aren’t *actually* royalty!
Master Royal Bedroom
One has to wonder about the people who decorate their houses to look like royalty, especially the niche practitioners of “Dictator Chic.”
Well, that does it for our lovely tour of this McCastle - now for our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Those balconies are sus af.
Well, that does it for Michigan! Stay tuned for a post Next Monday in which I delve into the nitty gritty details of architecture (what is that random ornament/window style/etc. called anyway?) and dissecting these monstrosities by comparing them to the great houses of the past. Be sure to come back Thursday for a Minnesota McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Hello Friends! One last Thursday post for old time’s sake. This house comes from a fan email (ty Grace) and boy oh boy am I glad because this house is a gift. (In the same way that lighting a bag of poop on fire in front of your neighbor’s doorstep is a gift.)
This lovely 5 bedroom 11 bathroom house (built in 1992 and remodeled in 2010) can be yours for the low price of around $1.1 million USD!
The Happy Meal of Shame™®
Draft Level: Vietnam.
(OK was that a bad joke? I’m sorry.)
Sitting Room Alpha
Alternative Fabric Swatch: mercury-laced thin mint
HOLY KITCHEN, BATMAN
Foursinkistan? Canlightistan?
So many mystery appliances here. I’m sure somebody will know what those things are adjacent to the stove.
Le Lounge
Pretty sure I’ve seen those sofas on a Carnival cruise. Also, is there such a thing as architect slash fiction? I mean it is the internet??? Would I read it? Curiosity would def get the best of me.
Sitting Room Beta
Alternative niche level: non-Bartok viola concerti
Somewhere
ARCHITECTURE JOKE <man, I didn’t know Peter Eisenman had houses in Cheshire.> ARCHITECTURE JOKE
reference:
Peter Eisenman, House III (1971). Via @aqqindex (one of my FAV BLOGS EVER GO FOLLOW)
Bedroom 1
Hey, my bedroom in my parents’ house was the same color! Also having crap cable management will make you unattractive to potential romantic partners.
Presumably Master Bedroom
DISGUSTING.
Presumably Master Bath
High school kids: you will miss thumbtacks. Also risk of electrocution in this room appears high.
LUXURY FLOOR ROT IMMINENT
Bathroom 2/11 (sadly few bathrooms were pictured.)
what is even happening in this trainwreck?
BEST BEDROOM
INITIALIZE
Finally, this brings us to our lovely Rear Elevation:
The more I look at it, the more I am filled with anger and despair.
Well, that does it for Certified Dank, CT. Stay tuned for Sunday’s McMansion Hell: UK edition! (If you’re on Twitter, pls feel free to tweet me UK McMansions @mcmansionhell - I respond faster that way.)
Hello Friends! Welcome to the inaugural post of the 50 States of McMansion Hell, brought to us by the Certified Dank City of Birmingham, Alabama.
This 5 bed, 4.5 bath “luxury estate”was built in 1999, and could be ALL YOURS for less than $700,000 USD.
Before I continue with our tour, this house is special because it falls into the category of houses designed by people who think all rich people decorate like Donald Trump. It’s cheap, fake luxury at its finest, as you’ll soon see.
I feel like when they decided to decorate this house, they handed this to the decorator and said “you know what to do.”:
Dining Room
This is what middle-school boys think luxury looks like.
BONUS TOP DOWN VIEW
Anyone who has ever taken an art history class in high school or college can look at this and see what a garbage attempt at architecture it is.
Sitting Room 2
Kitchen
Possibly the sanest room in the house.
Dining Office?
Brb watching George of the Jungle
Master Bedroom
Screenshot in question:
Missing: bad walls and ceiling
Master Bathroom
I’m impressed by their ability to find 3 identical mirrors.
Bedroom 2
Re: the revenge decorating thing - I grew up in the South and this was a surprisingly common tactic conservative parents would use on my gay schoolmates, (along with forcing them to dress a certain way and go to church 3 times a week.)
Bedroom 3
HGTV had this weird thing with “Asian” interiors in the 2000s, and to be honest it was really cringey and uncomfortable to watch.
Bathroom 2
To be fair, I kind of like the contrast between the dark blue and the white fixtures, but it’s a little hyperbolic in such a small room.
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION SPACE
Nothing is more cringey than bad jazz and bad jazz art.
RECREATIONAL AREA
This seriously looks like the bar your uncle took you to when you were 9 and told you not to mention it to your parents.
HOME THEATRE BOWLING BALL: INTERIOR VIEW
I want one of those sweet cityscape frame art things because they are A E S T H E T I C af.
Finally, we conclude our tour with an exterior view:
Rear Elevation
When is the robot takeover going to happen because I’m pretty sure they can do a better job than us at this point.
Well, that does it for this week’s edition of 50 States of McMansion Hell! Now, if any of you know if there are any dank McMansions in Alaska, please email them to me with the subject like “ALASKA” because realistically everything I know about Alaska I learned from the animated film Balto and I’m pretty sure diphtheria isn’t a thing anymore.
Stay tuned for Sunday’s super cool surprise post and next week’s Alaskan exposé!
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
