McLean, Virginia
This week’s McMansion is brought to you by the neighborhood of McLean, Virginia, infamous for being one of the most McMansion-ridden neighborhoods in all the land. The cause of this phenomenon? Nobody has more money and less taste than DC lobbyists, and this week’s McMansion proves it. On the market for $1,699,900 is this esteemed estate home, built in 2003:
This certified dank™ McMansion comes complete with 100% guaranteed bad decisions including:
• Pre-lawsuit EIFS cladding (aka “stucco”) exterior featuring “detailing” and “quoins”
• Obese “rotunda” peppered with stick-on windows
• Three pairs (count ‘em) of French doors that open out to spacious and luxuriousbalconiesmetal grills.
• Great architecture: look at all those unique windows!
• In typical McMansion style, this 9,702 square-foot house was built on a 0.82 acre lot, so there’s not much lawn to take care of- low maintenance!
• No dealing with picky sellers here – this house is owned by the bank!
In all seriousness, this house was built cheap. 2003 was smack dab in the middle of the speculative housing boom, and bad mortgages fueled by investment bank gambling produced thousands of houses built just like this one. I tried to find data on how long this house has been in the bank’s possession, but alas my search came up empty.
The best part about this house? EVERY SINGLE ROOM IS BEIGE. (yes, that includes “honey beige.”)
Moving on to the inside:
Beginning our tour, we enter the house to reveal the textbook Church of Wasted Space (credit to @tikimama for the sweet phrase), an inescapable phenomenon. On the bright side, I bet this foyer has a seriously kick-ass echo.
Beige Count: 1
The Dining? Room Thing
Since there isn’t any furniture left in this house, it’s hard to tell the function of each room. This could either be a living room/den, or a dining room. I’m going with dining room because the ceilings are low, and you can peek into the kitchen.
When there are so many rooms in a house that each room loses their distinct function, a lot of the feeling of home gets lost, and rooms become places merely for things rather than people. In my opinion, anyway.
Beige Count: 2
On with our tour, which leads us to…
The Dining?? Room Thing
Huh, maybe this was the dining room. Lots of dining rooms have tons of panoramic windows and tile floors.
Beige Count: 3
Anyways, let’s move on to the next room which is
Maybe A Dining Room Still
ok I think this MIGHT be the living room, but so could the first dining room thing. I have no idea. My mind is numb to the possibility of any other type of room at this point.
Beige Count: 4
Dining room? Or is this a breakfast nook?? With a giant-ass chandelier??? Where does the nook end and the room begin??? Who am I???
Beige Count: 5
Ok I think we’re finally moving out of dining room territory.
The Kitchen
Now you’re probably thinking, but McMansionHell, what is wrong with this perfectly reasonable kitchen???
I’ll concede – the kitchen itself is not aesthetically displeasing. The displeasing part is how cheap the materials are. The cabinets look like they were made of plastic, the wall-mounted appliances don’t appear to be properly sealed. The wood-paneled dishwasher and refrigerator do not imitate the pattern of the cabinets around them. I’m not sure if that’s a wood-paneled oven beneath the stovetop, or if the only oven in the kitchen is the wall-mounted warming tray.
Beige Count: 6
