Howdy friends! It’s been awhile since I’ve done a house post – for those out of the loop, I’m currently in my last month of graduate school, truly hellish conditions – and I’ve decided to spice things up by switching South Carolina and South Dakota in order to avoid doing back-to-back beach houses.
HENCE our big house on the prairie:
This brick behemoth, built in 2007, features a whopping 6 bedrooms and 5 baths, topping out at almost 5,000 square feet. It can be all yours for around $800,000 USD.
Lawyer Foyer
Somebody should call a geologist, because I’ve never seen such unique clusters before in my life, and I must say I consider myself quite the slate enthusiast!
Living Room
Speaking of Facebook Aunt Catalogs, they’re online now, and I found one:
(millennial joke voice): hey only my friends can call me sneaky trash
Master Bedroom
“But father, we are your children! How dare you bequeath your entire estate to your mistress leaving us penniless! Who, then, shall be the next Earl of Lincolnshire?”
Dog: bark
(Audience Laughs)
Master Bathroom
You may think that I am some kind of natural urbanite, but I, in fact, grew up in a small southern town, and will allow no prejudiced views towards rural life on my website, McMansion Hell dot com.
Den
Me, dressed up as a Serious Intellectual Speaking Softly on Public Television: You know folks, my parents used to get a ton of mail order catalogs when I was growing up and, like most children, I was fascinated by all the trinkets, trappings and treasures contained within those glossy pages. Fortunately, that experience, coupled with an encyclopedic knowledge of only the most useless, ridiculous subject matter (i.e. things for sale in mail order catalogs from 1999), has allowed me to make these jokes for you today. Thank you.
Bathroom 2:
(Jeb Bush Voice):
Bedroom 2:
actually these 2007 myspace glitter gifs describe grad school pretty well
Finally, we’ve come to our final part of the tour:
Rear Exterior
As 2007 as this journey has been, nothing is more 2007 than an unfinished McMansion.
Well, that does it for South Dakota. Join us next time for our South Carolina McMansion and stick around for the next installment of Looking Around!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Hello Friends! Sorry for the delayed post, I spent all day at the vet yesterday because my cat needed to have surgery. Thankfully, he’s recovering safely and will soon resume his schedule of doing whatever cats do all day.
Today’s lovely house is the epitome of “build lots of house on cheap land in the middle of nowhere.”
This wonderful 2004 estate, complete with treeless yard, comes in at around 6,000 square feet, featuring 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. It can be yours for the low price of almost $700,000!
Sadly, there were no foyer pictures so we’ll have to start with the ubiquitous great room.
Gr8 R00m
Anyone want to take bets as to whether or not the “freedom fries” controversy will resurface in 2017? It seems unusually plausible.
Dining Room
Real talk: thick rugs beneath dining room chairs make getting up from the table a hellish nightmare. Whom among us has not accidentally gotten the rug caught in the feet of the chair, scandalously exposing the runner beneath? Devastating, just devastating.
Kitchen
Sorry, friends - I’m from North Carolina. There aren’t many states with worse schools than North Carolina, so I have to get my salty digs in where I can.
Living Room
Re: that ceiling, I’m just gonna leave this here:
Master Bedroom
I’m not even kidding about the bed. When I look at McMansions, I swear I see it at least once, in every single state I’ve been in. Also that ceiling is art.
Master Bath
THERE IS A TV IN THE SHOWER. This is peak 2004, y’all.
Bedroom #2
FYI interrupted rants are my favorite genre of twitter joke at the current moment. Also the single recessed light is a poignant metaphor for (something tongue and cheek with slightly political undertones.)
Bedroom #3
Let this be a lesson in how not to fill a small, oddly-shaped bedroom. It’s worth noting that this house has a peculiar habit of replacing what would normally be windows with French Freedom doors.
Attic/Rec Room
You know, most of us don’t have the luxury of having remote parts of our house where we can stow away the things we thought would enrich our lives. Most of us have to look those objects in the face everyday, reminded that we’ll never have the patience to learn how to play more than a C major scale and Chopsticks on the piano - that’s just the kind of person we are.
Anyways, that does it for the interior. Now for our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
I wonder what @goodporchesgreatporches has to say about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Outdoor Leisure Space?
That does it for Mississippi’s McMansion! Stay tuned for tomorrow’s “Looking Around” and next Thursday’s Missouri McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Hello Friends! It’s hard for me to laugh at Maine, because I love it a lot as a place. It’s got some of the most beautiful natural landscapes and architecture in the country. Sadly, not even Maine can outrun the scourge that is the McMansion:
This 5 bed, 6 bath estate was built in 2004 and all 6000+ square feet of its rustic charm can be yours for just under $900,000 USD.
Cathedral of Wasted Space™
Goin’ old school with the McMansion Hell terminology today. Sadly, the chandelier was not available for scrutiny. Also, is that a security camera above that left “column”?
Sitting Room
I’ll be honest, this looks like the waiting room for a high school principal’s office, with the spoils of disciplinary war mounted on the walls to serve as a reminder to all juvenile japanophiles and LARPing enthusiasts out there just who runs this school.
Kitchen
Googling “angled kitchen island counter rug” produced nothing. Maybe “polygonal bar rug”? I must have answers.
I am truly befuddled by that small television. It cannot be seen from the desk, and not really from the dining set either… Maybe it’s just an oversized digital picture frames that were a thing a while back.
Gr8 Room
What a waste having a stone chimney and not continuing the stone on the inside of the house leaving only a sea of beige drywall between your dated half-fanlights. Also look how close the pendant lights are to the skylights!! I don’t know why, but that bothers me for some reason.
Master Bedroom
yo ya girl used to run a mad mono blue control deck back in the day.
Master Bath
Could this possibly be the first McMansion without a his and hers sink???? Oh my goodness.
Bedroom 2
love when my cat sits in the doorway or in the middle of the kitchen thanks bud
Bedroom 3
I can’t tell what kind of psychological effect having the twin towers watching over you while you sleep will have but I’m pretty sure that’s just a little hmmm.
Sadly, there are no rec room or other bathroom pics (this is a pattern with Maine real estate listings under the $1,000,000 mark for some reason) so we will have to cut our tour short with the rear exterior:
Rear Exterior
To end on a positive note, this house is definitely @goodporchesgreatporches material as much as it is McMansion Hell material.
That’s it for Maine, folks! Join us next Monday for some more 18th Century Architectural Theory (very melodramatic) and next Thursday for a certified dank McMansion in my current state of residence, Maryland. Have a great weekend!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Hello Friends! Like most small children who go on summer vacation after spectacularly arduous finals, the days for me have begun to blur together and it was only this afternoon that I realized today was not in fact Wednesday.
Anyway, apologies to the horse people on the internet, I seem to have found the only dang house in Kentucky without horses, but to be fair, the horses didn’t do anything to deserve my wrath. In fact, I don’t know why horses put up with all our dumb human BS. Horses of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your reins! Just remember what happened to Cobalt in The Saddle Club!!!!
Like most weird girls, I, too, used to read too many horse books as a kid.
Anyways:
This lovely 2003 house boasts 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths, pushing a total of ~6000 square feet. It can be yours for just under $800,000!
Sadly, there are no dank lawyer foyer pics, so we’re gonna start with the
Living Room
RIP Hobbes
Dining Room
Nothing says passion like painting every visible surface red. I mean, those lampshades could def get an indifferent spouse rowdy, see what I’m saying?
Kitchen
Like Willy Wonka, I have little patience for gum chewers, especially smackers.
Also trying to cook from a cooking show seems like such a hassle before DVR.
Lady_Marmalade.mp3
Office
Pay attention, friends, this room is to set the tone for the rest of the post. Also Confession: The Notebook made me cry like a weenie in the 9th grade.
Master Bedroom
Personally, I keep fresh sheets and pillowcases in my bedside drawer, along with a copy of Panic! At the Disco’s first album. Anyways, are the Red Hat Ladies even around anymore??? That stuff was a staple of 90s Hallmark stores. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re the ones responsible for the whole Live Love Laugh thing. The arch-trolls of our generation.
Master Bath
Maybe if I quit eating avocado toast (I’m sorry I’m never going to get over how extremely dumb that article is) I’ll be able to afford some bathtub plants and a mortgage.
Bedroom 2
This kid must at least be in college by now, so that bedspread is a little unusual. I mean, I’m not judging - my bedspread has rowhouses on it.
Bedroom 3
I remember the good ol’ days when yours truly was a bona fide member of the Myspace group “NO PREPS ALLOWED”
MAN CAVE (It has a sign)
We artsy fartsy folks love to lay the crap on college athletes, finding them undeserving of coveted scholarships just because they trained their bodies to do dumb crap involving balls. However, when I read this essay in 2011, it really changed the way I saw college athletes - they might get their school paid for but they get punished in so many other ways.
Still, like most artsy fartsy people, I intensely dislike sports because I am not good at them.
Bar
Can’t wait to spill red wine on a beige carpet.
Den
I now intensely believe the theory that red walls make you agitated and irritable because I am those things. Also there’s ur dang horse, Kentucky people.
Finally, our tour comes to an end.
Rear Exterior
Can’t wait to have that damask wrought iron branding right on the ol’ bummeroo.
Anyways, that’s it for Kentucky - Join me on Sunday for a long-awaited post about 18th Century architectural theory, and next Wednesday’s Maine McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
