Hello Friends! I’m at that stage of moving where all of my boxes are in my new house, yet remain to be unpacked. Needless to say, I’ve been recycling the same three outfits for a while now.
My favorite part about houses in the desert is that they’re painted dull colors in some vague attempt to “integrate with the landscape” but fail miserably because they are conspicuously huge as heck.
Today’s house, built in 2002, boasts 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, totaling around 6,300 square feet. It can be your desert oasis for just under $1.3 million dollars!
Lawyer Foyer
Perhaps my favorite thing about so many houses in New Mexico is that they drift into very iffy Native American cultural appropriation territory, but fail miserably and end up imitating an Olive Garden instead.
Great Room
“Yes, guests, this is totally a restaurant! The consuming space is totally separate and not visible from the preparation space!” It’s a pretty awkward place to have a bar, tbh.
Kitchen
Mockery aside, why aren’t ceiling mounted cabinets more popular, especially in small kitchens? It seems like a clever way to add extra shelf space!
Dining Room
Calling it now, take the dining table out and this is totes vaporwave.
Master Bedroom
Can’t tell if this room is gold or not, please advise.
Master Bath
I’ve never been rich and divorced before, so I have no idea if rich person divorce involves chandeliers or not, but it seems logical to me that chandeliers would be involved in some way.
Bedroom 2
I laugh, but I’ve owned that same ottoman.
Football Kitchen Office
This room puts the multi in multipurpose. Also MP3 Jukeboxes are analogous to those old-school phone handsets you plug into the headphone jack of your cellphone.
Bathroom 2
Antique Slime is your free Band Name of the Week!
Okay folks, we’re about to wrap up, but I couldn’t not include the room that made me pick this house in the first place. Prepare yourselves for…
(In a sinister voice): Child’s Lair
THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST FIREPLACE IS NEXT LEVEL
Alright, time for our favorite and final part:
Rear Exterior
Why is half of the rear of the house “Mediterranean” and half of it Adobe Photoshop? Why is there astroturf on one part but grass on the other? Why are there so many dining sets?
Well, that does it for this week’s McMansion! Stay tuned this weekend for a special Looking Around where I examine the history of…moving! Have a great rest of the week!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store will go to help victims of Hurricanes Harvey & Irma
Hello Friends! As we all know, Montana is, in fact, in the wilderness. Like many brave mountaineers, this week’s house seems to be suffering from (lowers sunglasses)…cabin fever.
I say cabin fever, because this 2001 house isn’t actually a cabin, it just suffers horribly from cabin…desire. If you’re into that kind of thing, this thirsty ~7000 square foot estate boasting 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bedrooms can be yours for around $800,000 USD.
Since our Lawyer Foyer drought seems to be continuing, this week we open directly into the kitchen:
Kitchen
I have some questions about this kitchen layout: First, so you have this open space leading into another room and insist on extending the cabinetry…why not make it an extended island so people can sit and communicate with people in the kitchen? Second, why insist on putting an island bar in the center, with behind the stove, no less? (Love to get a face full of hot air while sitting) Third, with no wall behind the sink, water is def going to spill into the living room!! Fourth, what tf is the dishwasher plugged into? Also that is def not enough wall outlets for a kitchen. That’s one reason there are usually 2 walls with cabinetry.
I’m mad now. I’m mad at the kitchen.
Dining Room
hello
Bar (?) Room
This is a better kitchen layout than the kitchen.
Living Room
Unlike actual smoked salmon, upon seeing these walls the only thing I hunger for is change.
Bathroom (Master?)
Sadly, there are no elaborate master bedroom pictures to pair with this glorious wonder:
Don’t lie you know your dad had one of these…and loved it.
An Bedroom
THOSE VIEWS are almost worth the insidious Bass Pro Shop firesale decor.
Den
Y’all better know who Bullwinkle is or I’m going to reel.
EDIT: I have been informed that this is not, in fact a moose, but a Caribou. Good news for Squirrel.
Kids Room 1
Yes, I know it has a happy ending, but every character in that book is insufferable besides it’s a little bit Jane Eyre but for nasty little children.
Kids Room 2
That brick mural screams more dungeon than anything else. Good thing the artist added the bit of sky at the end.
Bathroom
(whispers) why
TV Room
Seriously, was this room designed in Minecraft?
Alas, we’ve come to the end of our tour. Hence, time for everyone’s favorite final shot:
Rear Exterior
Those two windows on the second story aren’t horizontally aligned. You’re welcome.
Well, that does it for Montana! Join us Saturday for a brief Looking Around, where we talk about the Foursquare, and next week (?) for our Nebraska McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Hello Friends! It’s hard for me to laugh at Maine, because I love it a lot as a place. It’s got some of the most beautiful natural landscapes and architecture in the country. Sadly, not even Maine can outrun the scourge that is the McMansion:
This 5 bed, 6 bath estate was built in 2004 and all 6000+ square feet of its rustic charm can be yours for just under $900,000 USD.
Cathedral of Wasted Space™
Goin’ old school with the McMansion Hell terminology today. Sadly, the chandelier was not available for scrutiny. Also, is that a security camera above that left “column”?
Sitting Room
I’ll be honest, this looks like the waiting room for a high school principal’s office, with the spoils of disciplinary war mounted on the walls to serve as a reminder to all juvenile japanophiles and LARPing enthusiasts out there just who runs this school.
Kitchen
Googling “angled kitchen island counter rug” produced nothing. Maybe “polygonal bar rug”? I must have answers.
I am truly befuddled by that small television. It cannot be seen from the desk, and not really from the dining set either… Maybe it’s just an oversized digital picture frames that were a thing a while back.
Gr8 Room
What a waste having a stone chimney and not continuing the stone on the inside of the house leaving only a sea of beige drywall between your dated half-fanlights. Also look how close the pendant lights are to the skylights!! I don’t know why, but that bothers me for some reason.
Master Bedroom
yo ya girl used to run a mad mono blue control deck back in the day.
Master Bath
Could this possibly be the first McMansion without a his and hers sink???? Oh my goodness.
Bedroom 2
love when my cat sits in the doorway or in the middle of the kitchen thanks bud
Bedroom 3
I can’t tell what kind of psychological effect having the twin towers watching over you while you sleep will have but I’m pretty sure that’s just a little hmmm.
Sadly, there are no rec room or other bathroom pics (this is a pattern with Maine real estate listings under the $1,000,000 mark for some reason) so we will have to cut our tour short with the rear exterior:
Rear Exterior
To end on a positive note, this house is definitely @goodporchesgreatporches material as much as it is McMansion Hell material.
That’s it for Maine, folks! Join us next Monday for some more 18th Century Architectural Theory (very melodramatic) and next Thursday for a certified dank McMansion in my current state of residence, Maryland. Have a great weekend!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.
Hello friends! Ah, Illinois, home of Chicago, and a ton of sick modern architecture, and also literally hordes of McMansions. It was so difficult to choose between them, that I had to post a poll on Twitter, which did my work for me as I went to the drugstore and agonized over choosing a new shampoo instead.
Also, for those of you who haven’t read the Naperville post from way back, there’s some jokes in this one that pay it homage.
This wonderful estate, built in 2005, comes in at a whopping 8,800 square feet, and is on the market for around $850,000 smackaroos.
The Cathedral of Wasted Space
I’m bored with the term Lawyer Foyer and have decided to revisit the previous nomenclature.
Are y’all too young for National Velvet? I always wanted to ride horses as a kid but my parents didn’t have 10 million dollars, so I watched movies about them and cried instead.
Dining Room
Ahh, McMansions: designed for giant parties one never has.
Gr8 Room
Who started the overstuffed sofa/chair/set trend??? Why is it so ubiquitous when we can all agree it’s not good looking? It’s like the “sports bar that still vaguely smells like cigarettes” of seating.
Kitchen
‘we got the island as a discount’ ‘rich people don’t need discounts remember?’
WINE ROOM
Whoever brought Barefoot as a gift is banned from the premises forever.
Area where it is implied that work gets done
[architecture joke about Bjarke Ingels being the BIGgest boi]
Master Bedroom
don’t even @ me about that chair.
Do you guys remember when Paris Hilton did that bad song in 2006? Also, here’s a friendly reminder that Panic! at the Disco is 10 years old!
Perhaps what upsets so many people about McMansions is the fact that money really, really can’t buy taste. I know this, because I’m a grad student and I have the best taste.
Finally, our friend:
Rear Exterior
gotta balance your sad zone:dad zone ratio.
Well, that’s it for good ol’ Illinois! Join us on Sunday for our continued journey into the deep and cherished work of guys who made buildings, and for next Wednesday’s grand estate from Indiana!
