Hello friends! I want to say that choosing one house out of all of the houses in Arizona was perhaps one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my McMansion career. Despite being the home of Frank Lloyd Wright’s masterpiece Taliesin West, Arizona (or as I call it “Beigeturretstan”) is mostly what we in the industry like to call “hella tacky.”

But, after a few days of searching, I think I have found “the one”.

This house, built in 1996 and boasting around 4,000 square feet can be all yours for just under a million dollars!

Let’s take a closer look:

Also, yes, yes I know the shutters are interior blinds. That should be the least of your concerns.

The Sitting Room

Sadly, there is no lawyer foyer here, this (like most houses in the area) being a one story house. However, there is still a useless sitting room, which I have provided below:

When furniture is perfectly taut, you know it has seen no butt contact. Also, I’m just going to assume the plant is fake.

Dining Room

“Honey, can you pick up some spray paint? I think I have a project!”
(Husband’s face falls when he realizes his wife has circumvented the child block he put on Pinterest.com)

Kitchen

This was a really difficult photo to draw on top of. I’m most perplexed by the pink vent grills - what a strange detail.

Powder Room

That’s not paint, it’s silver sharpie.

Living Room

I love being able to spot hotel fire sale furniture. It’s like - come on, that obviously came from an old Best Western located in the nice part of town near the office park.

Master Bedroom

Apparently behind the wall tetris is a bar. A bedroom bar. Now that I can get behind.

Master Bathroom

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want any statues staring at me during my morning ablutions. I am self-conscious enough, thank you.

Vague Sitting Area #1

Seriously, how much do you have to hate light to have Venetian blinds for your fanlight window?? Also, it’s rooms like this that make census room calculations difficult. It’s not a bedroom, or a living room. It’s just…a room.

Vague Sitting Room #2

This room is how I’ve felt this week.

Bathroom 2

The only thing that could make this room more 90s is a celestial shower curtain.

Bedroom 2

Can you even open those fanlight blinds??? Also, if whoever owns this house dreams about green gardens and the ocean so much maybe they should move away from the desert! Oh wait! This house is for sale!

And finally, our favorite part (sadly there were not too many pictures from this beaut)

Rear Exterior

“Water everywhere in this room - on a planet where water was the most precious juice of life. Water being wasted so conspicuously that it shook her to inner stillness…
“She recalled the report that many Arrakeen houses were sealed by airlock doors and windows to conserve and reclaim interior moisture…
“But this room embodied a statement far more significant than the lack of waterseals on outer doors. She estimated that this pleasure room used water enough to support a thousand persons on Arrakis -possibly more.”

- Frank Herbert, Dune (p. 71)

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably know that I think about Dune a lot. If you haven’t read it, what are you doing go read it right now omg

Well, that’s it for our wonderful Arizona home! (I am extremely distraught about the lack of photography, but the RED EXTERIOR WAS WORTH IT AM I RIGHT????) Stay tuned for Sunday’s post on Canadian McMansions, and Thursday continues our 50 states with Arkansas!

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.

50 States of McMansion Hell: Scottsdale, Arizona