Howdy folks! I’ve decided to go a little out of order here and get right down to West Virginia. Things have been a bit bleak lately to say the least, and I wanted to share with you a house that pretty much captures the national mood:
This 6 bed, 6 bath brown “contemporary” (contemporary is realtor speak for a house that doesn’t have any shutters) boasts a whopping 6900 square feet and was built in 1993. It can be all yours for around $850,000 USD!
Tort Lawyer Foyer
As we can all see, we’re starting pretty early on with the dreary vibes this house has to offer. This is probably the dreariest lawyer foyer I’ve ever seen, but to be fair, there are some pretty dreary lawyers out there and they deserve representation too.
Formal Room In Which The Family “Sits”
Every decade or so there’s some uncomfortably commodified idea of “Asian” decor that becomes popular, but nothing beats that time in the late aughts where HGTV did those hmmm “feng shui” shows. (if you are an academic writing about material culture, this would be a really interesting paper topic.)
Dining Room
I would have a china cabinet and fill it with all my silly knick knacks. As someone with a chronic case of the “oopsies” i will never have expensive china.
Living Room
hi mom love you
Kitchen
I swear I’ve seen those chairs in like a Boston Market or something. What’s funny about 90s beige is that it’s more gray-tinged (i.e. ‘cold’) which makes it slightly more dreary, whereas 2000s beige is more yellow-tinged (i.e. ‘warm’) and is more mindnumbing. Beige, you see, is a spectrum.
Master Bedroom
Strange that these folks don’t have a little side table or anything to put their phone on before going to bed. even if they’re analog folks, where are y’all gonna put your alarm clock?? on the floor?? i have Questions?
Master Bath
Cell phones definitely killed the intercom market. Generations of wealthy pranksters have been denied the opportunity to harass an entire household of people at once. It’s okay though, they’ve pulled the wool over our eyes anyways by, like, controlling the whole economy and government and stuff.
Bedroom 2
(TED Talk voice): There is the “sincere” market for home goods, and then there is the shadowy “irony” market, which poses a strategic problem for design and its investors.
Bathroom 2
rip beige toilet. u taught me it was ok to be weird.
Hobby Room
ha ha it’s great to do jokes when all i want to do is hide under the covers and sleep away the uncertainty and fear
Den
This is like one of those hacks in video games that lets you dual wield swords or something. (dual wielding living rooms with identical microfiber sectionals is not as cool, admittedly)
Well, (fortunately? unfortunately?) we’re out of rooms, so, without further ado:
Rear Exterior
it is rumored that “computers” may be involved, at this very moment, in the act of “posting”
Anyways folks, that’s it for West Virginia. Up next, Vermont! We’re almost done with the 50 states, folks, and I’m so excited, personally because that means I don’t have to have a tab permanently open that lists them in alphabetical order because no, i didn’t learn the song, sorry.
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Howdy, folks! My poor teeth are finally all healed up, so in celebration, I have decided to sink them Sunny Baudelaire-style into this ridiculous house:
This 1995 “Victorian” features 6 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, totaling around 6700 square feet. It can be your humble abode for a modest $1.7 million USD.
Lawyer Foyer
Seriously, I don’t know why they didn’t just enclose the staircase, because that lone beam looks both anticlimactic and structurally unsettling. Also it doesn’t line up with the post at the top of the stairs. I am unusually frustrated by this.
Office
Whomst among us did not have binders full of women in middle school and by binders full of women I mean trapper keepers full of Bleach yuri fanfic? (clears throat) anyways, happy bisexual visibility month
Great Room
Okay so the other two walls in this room are covered with unsettlingly HUGE family portraits that would have taken a lot of time and effort to block out the faces. Anyways, I just want you to know that this is only 1/3rd of the total family portraiture in this space.
Dining Room
i don’t even see any coasters for drinks. i have never before witnessed such recklessness.
Kitchen
ok so I watched an entire week’s worth of HGTV at my parents’ house after getting my wisdom teeth pulled and literally every kitchen has to be white or gray. this pearlescent nonsense has to be a global conspiracy orchestrated by none other than,,, mr. clean.
Den
Oreo cookie commercial: you’ve heard of stuffed. but have you heard of “double stuffed?” Sofa designer for La-Z-Boy: go on
Master Bedroom
(philosopher voice): what is the point of a mirror if you are facing away from it?
(sadly there are no pictures of the master bathroom, so we’re moving on to the last room of the house)
Rec Room
the fifties were lame, (slowly making the entire internet mad) like come on brutalism was barely even a thing then
alright alright, time to wrap this bad boy up:
Rear Exterior
is this technically a 3 car garage? can a car even fit in that garage? next time, on The X Files (theme plays)
Well folks, that does it for Utah! I’m heading to Finland next week (!!!), but stay tuned for Vermont upon my return!
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including Good House of the Week, Crowdcast streaming, and bonus essays!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or,Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
Hello folks! I apologize if some of these jokes don’t make sense, I’m still recovering from an unfortunate bout of food poisoning. Did you know that in Maryland, restaurants are not required to display sanitation scores? Wild!!
Anyways, today’s house is situated in the rural Oregon forest. This is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, there are fewer people around who have to look at it. On the other hand, millions of deer have to suffer its injustice.
This ~5,000 square foot white wonder, built in 1994 boasts 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. It could be all yours for just $850,000!
Lawyer Foyer
The best part is the very strange positioning of the chandelier, caused by the ubiquitous desire to hang it so it can be seen through the foyer window while having to reconcile the fact that the ceiling is a geometric train wreck.
Living Room
Someone older than me please tell me if this is what Victoria’s Secret used to look like in the 1980s.
Dining Room
Honestly, having read enough about the ancients, they’d probably be okay with the carpet column. That level of self-indulgence is very Roman.
Kitchen
I seriously wish Martha Stewart’s Cracker Barrel® Kitchen was a real book you could buy. It seems so real, yet is too good to be true.
Bedroom
“Maximalism” is code for “bringing back Laura Ashley”. Also I’m sorry for making the cheap Pacific Northwest natural light joke - I’ve been suffering from a really bad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder this winter and it’s no joking matter. :(
Master Bedroom
This room is larger than the average Baltimore apartment. I’m not kidding, I’m in fact, upset,,
Master Bath
I don’t know why I like the hunter green velvet valances, I just know that I do. Sometimes people have bad ideas. Nobody’s perfect. If you can’t love me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best. Don’t tread on m- you get the point.
Reject Room
This took a dark turn.
Man Office™
Very Cosmopolitan Literature That Is Not Just for Middle-Aged Men
Bedroom 3
Real Talk: Wuthering Heights makes me cry every time, without exception.
Well, we’re out of fun rooms, which leaves us with our best friend in the whole world:
Rear Exterior
Cool that Shrek finally found a lit vacation home. Good for him.
Anyways that does it for Oregon! Stay tuned for another installment of Looking Around, and for next week’s Pennsylvania McMansion!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into recurring donations or bonus content? Consider the tip jar! Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
OOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE UGH COMES SWEEPIN’ DOWN THE PLAIN!
McMansion Hell is back from the Finals From Hell and do I have a treat for y’all:
Hoo boy, this house is wilder than a collegiate football rivalry, with a roofline that’s probably the most mountainous geography in the whole state. This wonderful 1998 abode, featuring 4 beds and 5 baths, tops out at around 6500 square feet. It can be all yours for around $750,000 USD!
Without further ado:
The Lawyer Foyer
✓ Topography joke ✓ Typography joke
“Those DANG Girl Scouts always coming around these parts asking for a handout! Who do they think we are, Uncle Sam?!” “Grandpa, can we please not talk about this at Thanksgiving dinner?”
Dining Room
Side note: I just watched Seinfeld for the first time (I know, I know), and I have to say everyone who is painting their kitchen cabinets muted colors right now is only a collection of cereal boxes away from imitating Jerry’s kitchen.
Great Room
Wait a second, what the heck is that reflection in Mirror No. 1?? Mother of…
This is more goth than that time I told myself in the 10th grade that I refused to date anyone who didn’t in some way resemble Robert Smith from The Cure.
Speaking of dark…
Hell’s Kitchen
(Combining two jokes in one): Hell has a foyer just for the lawyers, amirite??
Living Room
Antique Roadshow, 2026:
Announcer Bot 3000: My goodness! This is the largest collection of bland, mass produced art I have ever seen! Don’t you realize what this means?
Collector: *face brightens up in astonishment*
Announcer Bot 3000: You’re going to be a five-dollar-aire!
Collector: …oh.
Master Bedroom
Having a babby ceiling fan just to cool you off during the two times a year you guilt yourself into using the elliptical is the perfect demonstration of the sheer fecklessness of stupidly wealthy people.
Master Bath
Nothing makes for a relaxing, soothing bath like being reminded of the brief period of innocent joy prior to the imminent Fall of All Mankind.
Bedroom 2 (Mustache Room)
Congrats to these homeowners for making beige walls and ceilings somehow goth.
Sadly, there’s no shots of the rear exterior (I can only assume the realtor was blinded by what they saw), but don’t worry, this rec room more than makes up for it:
Rec Room
>mfw
Well folks, that does it for our Oklahoma House! Join us this weekend for a special Looking Around (on sound), and next Wednesday for our Oregon McMansion of the Week! Have a Happy Winter Festivities Session!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store go to charity!
