Hello Friends! Finally, our Ohio house! Luckily for you, this house is one of those time-capsule houses I wrote about in my last post. Even though the time-capsule period was from the 1990s, judging by the exterior they were trying for something around the 1490s.
This lovely 4 bedroom 2.5 bathroom house was built in 1987. It topples out at around 4,500 square feet and can be all yours for around $590,000 USD.
Without further ado:
Junior Attorney Foyer
To this day, I have no idea what, if anything, is above this front entrance. I can only assume that whatever it is, it’s rarely used.
Dining Room
Apparently the “soft colonialist” look was in. (Also, I have no idea why the text is resizing to be so small).
Kitchen
A child knows no fear greater than accidentally triggering the garbage disposal when surreptitiously seeking out a midnight snack.
Dining Room 2??
Re: Sconces: something something about Dionysus.
Living Room
The prom photo is the only one from the series in which Michael is absent (they broke up, dramatically, at the prom.)
Extremely Good Sunroom
1 Like = 1 Respect
Master Bedroom
Full Disclosure: I have never seen any version of The Real Housewives, but somehow I fully believe that they’d all be really into this color.
Master Bathroom
No amount of silk flowers and potpourri will ever make this bathroom not smell like wet feet.
Bedroom 2
I WANTED THE SPOTTED CARPET SO BADLY and HERE I AM getting my DIVINE RETRIBUTION. Also, does that ceiling look like marble-patterned wallpaper or is it just the light? I hope it’s just the light.
Reject Bedroom
That photo feels like I’ve stumbled upon something I shouldn’t have. Does anyone else hear distant sirens growing ever-more close???
Wreck Room
The best part of being priced out of an area is moving to a new area that’s currently undergoing the same process at the nefarious hands of…your graduate school. (Going to graduate school continues to be a major self-own for me.)
Anyways, now it’s time for our favorite part of the post:
Rear Exterior
Here I am rating pools like some kind of authority when the last pool I’ve been in is the pool of shower water up to my ankles caused by a stubbornly draino-resistant tub shower.
Anyways, folks, that’s it for Ohio! Be sure to join me for another edition of Looking Around and for next week’s Oklahoma McMansion!
Now for the Announcements Section!
HEY FOLKS! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THIS FRIDAY!
Here are a few things you can do if you want to celebrate with me!
Consider supporting me on Patreon! I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content!
If you’re feeling particularly nice, you can view my book wishlist here: http://a.co/j5LNE0R
Hello Friends! Today’s house is about as depressing as literally any show or film that takes place in North Dakota. On the scale of overall McMansion-ness, this house is not as bad as some from other states, but the pickings were generally slim in North Dakota.
This angular abode, built in 1990, boasts 5 bedrooms and 5 baths, totaling around 4,500 square feet. If you’re a beige fanatic, it can be yours for around $430,000 USD.
Sadly there’s no lawyer foyer, so we’ll have to dive right into the meatier parts of the house.
Living Room
WACKY WILLY (MAN WITH MALE PATTERN BALDNESS DRESSED IN A RED SUIT & ALLIGATOR SHOES) (SHOUTING): THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS,WHETHER YOU NEED ONE SOFA OR FIVE (FIVE!), COME ON DOWN TO WACKY WAREHOUSE WHERE YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD OL’ WACKY TIME (SIREN NOISES, COMIC SANS PHONE NUMBER WITHOUT AREA CODE FLASHES AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN) WACKY WILLY: (gives two thumbs up, eyes bearing down into your very soul) BUDDY (golden retriever, dressed as a clown): WOOF!
Office
The irony of suburban families whose whole idea of success is wrapped up in material displays of wealth proudly displaying statues of Buddha in their home offices is not lost on me, dear reader.
Kitschen
I haven’t seen a closed-off (non-open floorplan) kitchen like this in a very long time.
Dining
The makeshift dining room assembled in the living room for the “kids table” at Thanksgiving has more permanence and gravitas than this. (This author still has to sit at the kids table despite being 23.)
Sunroom
Nihilist Realtor: and here we have the sunroom for which no sun ever shines. Peppy suburban homebuyer: More like a cloudy room, right honey? Honey: (says nothing, lost in the beige carpet, contemplating a better life.)
HOT TUB ROOM
Personally, I’m here for This Old Tub, and Bath Wars.
Master Bedroom
Nihilist Realtor: a spokesperson for our times.
Master Bath
*in margins of The Great Gatsby*: The light at the end of the pier = desire?? How much Gatsby wants to see Daisy??? Love??? Foreshadowing?? Eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckelburg = how much Gatsby wants to see Daisy?? Foreshadowing??
(protip: you can never go wrong with foreshadowing in 9th grade hermeneutics)
Bedroom Two
(emerges from survival bunker, shivering, malnourished): a-are chevron prints out of style yet?
Den
Freshman Seminar in Structural Engineering (ENG 100): LACK: New Economies of Strength (MWF, 3 credits)
Finally, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Nihilist Realtor Voice: it’s the best kind of Rubix Cube, where there’s no solution and all of the colors are replaced with bleak voids.
Well, folks, that does it for North Dakota! Please join me this weekend for Looking Around: Bungalows and next week for our Ohio (!!!) McMansion. Have a great rest of the week!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store will go to help victims of the recent hurricanes.
Hello Friends! Sorry this post is so belated - between traveling to New York and Columbus as well as midterms, it’s been a rough two weeks for me. Luckily, the worst seems to be over.
Speaking of the worst…
This stunning (and I mean stunning) 1990 house, boasting 4 bedrooms and 5.5 baths tops out at around 5,500 square feet. It can be all yours for around $2 million USD! I hope you like white, because that’s what most of this house is.
Lawyer Foyer
Sometimes I was mean to my little sister, but then she got bigger than me and I stopped. Sorry sis.
Kitchen
A lot of this blog is based off of my personal experiences, including the HOA joke – there was a neighborhood near where I grew up in North Carolina that banned basketballs. It wasn’t until I got much, much older that I understood why.
(Insert Chain Hang Low joke)
Living Room
It’s astonishing to me that the people who built this house managed to cut so many corners that it is expressed in the architecture of every room.
Master Bedroom
Me, (good, pure): the padding is great for acoustics!
Master Bath
If anyone ever tells you that you need to lose 40 pounds before a cocktail party, I hope you throw your chianti blend right in their caked on, Estee Laudered face.
Bedroom 2
“Anyone who dare lie in this bed is cursed to never sleep, for the dull roar of chintz on chintz shall always rouse them to startled wakefulness.” - The Laura Ashley Book of Scary Stories
Bathroom 2
for reference, my pants:
Bedroom 3
Our final room of the week:
Bathroom 3
My other favorite thing is when people put signs in their house that say “KITCHEN” and “LAUNDRY”.
Anyways, it’s time to wrap up our tour with our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
I spend all my time defending architects, I might as well take a crack at them every once in a while.
That does it for New York, folks! Stay tuned for this weeks edition of Looking Around about American Foursquares and next Tuesday’s McMansion from my home state, North Carolina! Have a great weekend.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store ! 100% of the proceeds from the McMansion Hell store will go to help victims of the recent hurricanes.
Hello Friends! Happy Labor Day (or as one of my college professors humorously called it, Socialist Christmas)! I hope you like freedom because this week’s McMansion definitely has…some of that!
This 1996 beauty features 4 bedrooms and 3 baths, but somehow ends up totaling almost 5000 square feet. For under $1.3 million dollars you’d think you’d get at least 5 baths.
Onwards!
Foyer
Friends, I’ve found the Jaws theme window, and, of course it’s an awkward stairwell window. Best not slam the front door too hard, lest you send those vases tumbling to the ground, where they shatter into a million pieces coating the foyer in 21 years worth of dust bunnies.
Gr8 Room
I will never not make a joke about Bullwinkle upon seeing a cruelly beheaded moose used as a centerpiece. Also that tiny little stove is negated by the tall ceilings and wall of windows. New England Winter: 1, McMansion: 0.
Dining Room
(extremely Lemony Snicket voice:) If one spends a long period of time anxiously waiting in a particularly dreadful place, such as a dentist’s office or tucked away in a municipal post office crawling with several enemy spies, one fixates on the details of said place. In the case of the dentist’s office, one might seek refuse in a particularly bawdy floral painting, or, in the case of the municipal post office crawling with several enemy spies, the increasingly heinous price of postage stamps in a desperate attempt to distract oneself from one’s dire situation.
Sitting Room
Alexa can never truly replace the hole in Jerry’s heart left by his eldest daughter’s running off with an artist.
Kitschen
Did every rural working class family get one of these catalogs or was it just mine?
This blog was looong overdue for one of my pithy generational political jokes. Also shoutout to my wealthier girl-friends growing up in the South who had to hear “how do you expect to find a husband when you [insert nonconforming behavior here]” as a method of policing deviation from the norm.
Master Bedroom
Uncle Jerry is the guy who DVRs football games and doesn’t fast forward through the commercials.
The minstrelsy sun wins the worst ‘an art’ on mcmansion hell dot com award, one I think it will hold onto for a very, very long time.
Bedroom 2
Imagine listening to The Cure in this room before answering the reader poll thanks
Basement
Folks, I’ve seen more inviting tax offices.
Anyways, we’re coming to the end of the post, which means its time for our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Time for a McMansion Hell Personality Test: Which “feature” window are YOU??
Left Window: you are passionate and intelligent, yet neurotic. Your friends worry that you won’t be able to handle the punishing amount of work you force yourself to do because you would rather be physically exhausted than have to spend ample amounts of time alone with your own insecurities.
Middle Window: You are confident and idealistic, yet neurotic. You think that your problems can be solved by yelling louder than the person you’re currently arguing with. You may have been poor at sports as a child and also have an energy drink dependency.
Right Window: You are kind and dependable, yet neurotic. You enjoy spacing out while reading difficult books, liking but never reblogging, and earnestly avoiding cable news. You may have a penchant for emotionally unavailable romantic partners and ignoring your newly bought cookbooks in lieu of a good old-fashioned round of takeout (your fifth this week.)
I got..all three of these, wow!
That’s it for this week’s post folks! Be sure to stay tuned tomorrow for our special NEW JERSEY McMansion, and this weekend for another installment of Looking Around!
OH AND ONE MORE THING
Are YOU in the Baltimore metro area?? Do you want to witness me give a live diss on McMansions and talk about my rad as hell politics in one of the 3 coffee shops I write this blog in? Well you’re in luck because Thursday, September 7th, I’ll be doing a McMansion Hell LIVE event at Red Emma’s Bookstore & Coffeehouse. More info here, if you’re up to it.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
