(back of a quirky literary novel voice): Sometimes, things are not what they seem. An architecture critic disappears for three months to follow bike racing around Europe, rife with questions of becoming and desire. A real estate agent uploads a listing to an aggregator, knowing that it will be a difficult sell but thinking not much of it, for, like Tolstoy’s unhappy families, all houses are difficult to sell in their own way. A house is built in 1980 in Staten Island and would have thrived as an anonymous bastion of tastelessness had the internet not been invented. But the internet had been invented. All of these things are brought together here, through truly unlikely circumstances.
Let’s not bother with the formalities this time.
None of you will buy this house.
Sitting Room
Does anything here make sense? The periwinkle sofa, the twinkling of bronze glass, a truly transitional material, a mall exiting stagflation and entering the sultry trap of Reaganite libertarianism that would leave it empty twenty-five years later. The sense that one is always changing levels, trapped in a landing of some sort, never quite arrived on stable footing. But that’s just the style, one assumes. One foot in the seventies, with all their strife, one foot in the beginning of what felt like the end of history. One’s ass on the iridescent pleather sofa, waiting for the centuries to change.
Sitting Room II
My suspicion is that there are no pictures of the mirrored mystery foyer because the photographer’s identity would be henceforth revealed, and the point of all real estate photography is for the viewer to imagine themselves as the only person in a given space.
Dining Room
The shinier things are, the richer one is, obviously.
Kitchen
This serious sociological research also happens to coincide with the Giro d'Italia, one hopes.
Landing
(crediting @cocainedecor on twitter for their term. but also, where can i get some chevron mirrors, asking for a friend.)
Master Bedroom
just asking questions
Bedroom 2
Ostensibly bad opinion that I will nevertheless defend: the corner bed slaps, let’s bring it back.
Basement
(Staten Island accent): Hey, I’m workshoppin’ some metaphors here!
Alright, we’ve entertained this monstrosity enough - time to wrap things up.
Rear Exterior
You know, McMansion Hell has been around for five years now, and has coined many terms - an art, ahoy matey, lawyer foyer, brass n’ glass, pringles can of shame - but I have to say, I hope fireplace nipples also sticks.
Anyway, that’s all for 1980 - join us next month for 1981.
Howdy, folks! We’re halfway through the 70s, and I thought I’d celebrate with a time capsule house stuck weirdly enough, in the 80s. Our house this time comes to us from Fairfield County, Connecticut, and while it may not be an obvious contender on the exterior, I promise you won’t be disappointed once we head through that door.
This house, despite its modest exterior, boasts 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, and just over 5300 square feet. It can be yours for just over $2.2 million USD. I know you’re dying to see what’s inside, so I won’t keep you any longer.
Lawyer Foyer
As you can see, painting the walls white did not take the 70s out of this house. The disappointing part is that this is the room with the most vestiges of its 70s past - that wrought iron railing, pink linoleum, and pseudo-gothic chandelier definitely affirm that originally this house was much, much groovier before its 80s redux.
Great Room
The realtor described this house as “transitional” which in some cases is a polite way of saying “trapped between stylistic movements and terrified to death of choosing one.”
Sitting Room
Alright, alright, here’s one for the 80s aesthetic blogs. You’re welcome.
Dining Room
As a form of economic stimulus, I am willing to accept giant cabinets and twee bird knickknacks. Speaking of giant cabinets, that one is, like, hearse-sized. How many candelabras and cloth napkins could one family possibly possess?
Also, for some reason, the listing did not include any pictures of the kitchen, so we’ll have to go right into the master bedroom.
Master Bedroom
Even in the 80s, was there ever a time where this aesthetic didn’t look, well, grandmotherly?
Bedroom 2
I’m moving in a few weeks and my back hurts just thinking about trying to lift that furniture!!!!
Bonus Room
I have to give credit where credit is due: this room is cool, and I would absolutely chill in it. Which goes to prove how deeply uncool these rich people are for not using it for chilling or any other activities.
Rec Room
The drop-ceiling/can light combo is somewhat rare in terms of McMansion bonus rooms, as is that diagonal wood paneling which I unironically stan. Forget shiplap!!!
Alright, that’s it for our interior. Now to check out the rear exterior which proves once and for all that this house is, in fact, a McMansion.
Rear Exterior
Honestly, I don’t know what kind of house this is - my guess is that it’s, like, a post-split-level, whatever that means. Either way, it’s super tacky and I’m glad I found it so I could share it with all of you. Check back here soon for another 70s house, as well as a much-needed update to the Brutalism Post.
I know that these are economically uncertain times, but many creators including myself depend on Patreon for most of their income, so if you have a minimum of $12/year to spare and are into bonus content, then do I have some good news for you:
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, weekly drawings, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Not into recurring donations but still want to show support? Consider the tip jar! (Tips are much appreciated since I am making a cross country move in two weeks!!!)
Or, Check out the McMansion Hell Store! Proceeds from the store help protect great buildings from the wrecking ball.
Hello Friends! Finally, our Ohio house! Luckily for you, this house is one of those time-capsule houses I wrote about in my last post. Even though the time-capsule period was from the 1990s, judging by the exterior they were trying for something around the 1490s.
This lovely 4 bedroom 2.5 bathroom house was built in 1987. It topples out at around 4,500 square feet and can be all yours for around $590,000 USD.
Without further ado:
Junior Attorney Foyer
To this day, I have no idea what, if anything, is above this front entrance. I can only assume that whatever it is, it’s rarely used.
Dining Room
Apparently the “soft colonialist” look was in. (Also, I have no idea why the text is resizing to be so small).
Kitchen
A child knows no fear greater than accidentally triggering the garbage disposal when surreptitiously seeking out a midnight snack.
Dining Room 2??
Re: Sconces: something something about Dionysus.
Living Room
The prom photo is the only one from the series in which Michael is absent (they broke up, dramatically, at the prom.)
Extremely Good Sunroom
1 Like = 1 Respect
Master Bedroom
Full Disclosure: I have never seen any version of The Real Housewives, but somehow I fully believe that they’d all be really into this color.
Master Bathroom
No amount of silk flowers and potpourri will ever make this bathroom not smell like wet feet.
Bedroom 2
I WANTED THE SPOTTED CARPET SO BADLY and HERE I AM getting my DIVINE RETRIBUTION. Also, does that ceiling look like marble-patterned wallpaper or is it just the light? I hope it’s just the light.
Reject Bedroom
That photo feels like I’ve stumbled upon something I shouldn’t have. Does anyone else hear distant sirens growing ever-more close???
Wreck Room
The best part of being priced out of an area is moving to a new area that’s currently undergoing the same process at the nefarious hands of…your graduate school. (Going to graduate school continues to be a major self-own for me.)
Anyways, now it’s time for our favorite part of the post:
Rear Exterior
Here I am rating pools like some kind of authority when the last pool I’ve been in is the pool of shower water up to my ankles caused by a stubbornly draino-resistant tub shower.
Anyways, folks, that’s it for Ohio! Be sure to join me for another edition of Looking Around and for next week’s Oklahoma McMansion!
Now for the Announcements Section!
HEY FOLKS! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY THIS FRIDAY!
Here are a few things you can do if you want to celebrate with me!
Consider supporting me on Patreon! I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content!
If you’re feeling particularly nice, you can view my book wishlist here: http://a.co/j5LNE0R
Hello friends! Today’s house is very special in that I’m not quite sure I’ve ever seen a house that botched the Tudor style as bad as this one has.
This 1987 house can certainly be considered “unique.” Enjoy a lovely selection of 6 bedrooms and 5 baths, coming in at around 6000 square feet. This princely estate can be all yours for around $800,000 USD.
Sadly, there’s no pic of the foyer, but fortunately the dining room gives us a glimpse of it:
Dining Room
I love how they could afford real columns on top of the half-wall but not for the other supports in the room, which are incredibly cringey.
Formal Living Room
My senior prom was less formal than this. Statistically, it was only a matter of time before Degas made it into the mix of artists people vaguely recognize enough to put in tacky frames on their walls. RIP.
awesome kitchen
This is one of the only kitchens I’ve ever liked the whole time I’ve been doing this blog, let me have this.
Informal Living Room
I have definitely been wicked drunk on a couch that looks like this. Shoutout to my college days.
Master Bedroom
Friendly reminder that Little House on the Prairie was not intended for use as an interior decorating guide.
Master Bathroom
Honestly, at this point, I’d love to live in a place with a porch or other outdoor area.
Bedroom 2
Pretty sure I saw this bed in a twitter ad for Architectural Digest. Shoutout to spinsterhood, the only sport I’ve ever been good at.
Bathroom 2
his and hers level: the kinds of dudes my sister’s into.
Rec Room
fun fact: Windows 98 teal is my favorite color
embarrassing fact: I would love some white 90s track lighting in my apartment.
Other (??) Rec Room
Something something Jane Eyre except the woman in the attic is a family in a secret basement with an air hockey table. Lin-Manuel Miranda, are you listening?? This could be huge.
Suspicious Office
The dog picture should be required for every psychiatrist’s office because look at it.
Well, folks, we’re all out of house. You know what that means!
Rear Exterior
The only thing I can give them props on is consistency in their huge windows. Also for keeping their trees. Trees are…excellent as heck.
Well, that does it for Minnesota! Join us tomorrow for a post on cute little houses in the Minimal Traditional style, and how they’ve managed to morph into, well, McMansions. Next Thursday: Mississippi!
If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as bonus content on Patreon!
