Howdy, folks! We’re halfway through the 70s, and I thought I’d celebrate with a time capsule house stuck weirdly enough, in the 80s. Our house this time comes to us from Fairfield County, Connecticut, and while it may not be an obvious contender on the exterior, I promise you won’t be disappointed once we head through that door.
This house, despite its modest exterior, boasts 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, and just over 5300 square feet. It can be yours for just over $2.2 million USD. I know you’re dying to see what’s inside, so I won’t keep you any longer.
Lawyer Foyer
As you can see, painting the walls white did not take the 70s out of this house. The disappointing part is that this is the room with the most vestiges of its 70s past - that wrought iron railing, pink linoleum, and pseudo-gothic chandelier definitely affirm that originally this house was much, much groovier before its 80s redux.
Great Room
The realtor described this house as “transitional” which in some cases is a polite way of saying “trapped between stylistic movements and terrified to death of choosing one.”
Sitting Room
Alright, alright, here’s one for the 80s aesthetic blogs. You’re welcome.
Dining Room
As a form of economic stimulus, I am willing to accept giant cabinets and twee bird knickknacks. Speaking of giant cabinets, that one is, like, hearse-sized. How many candelabras and cloth napkins could one family possibly possess?
Also, for some reason, the listing did not include any pictures of the kitchen, so we’ll have to go right into the master bedroom.
Master Bedroom
Even in the 80s, was there ever a time where this aesthetic didn’t look, well, grandmotherly?
Bedroom 2
I’m moving in a few weeks and my back hurts just thinking about trying to lift that furniture!!!!
Bonus Room
I have to give credit where credit is due: this room is cool, and I would absolutely chill in it. Which goes to prove how deeply uncool these rich people are for not using it for chilling or any other activities.
Rec Room
The drop-ceiling/can light combo is somewhat rare in terms of McMansion bonus rooms, as is that diagonal wood paneling which I unironically stan. Forget shiplap!!!
Alright, that’s it for our interior. Now to check out the rear exterior which proves once and for all that this house is, in fact, a McMansion.
Rear Exterior
Honestly, I don’t know what kind of house this is - my guess is that it’s, like, a post-split-level, whatever that means. Either way, it’s super tacky and I’m glad I found it so I could share it with all of you. Check back here soon for another 70s house, as well as a much-needed update to the Brutalism Post.
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Howdy, folks! It’s starting to heat up outside, though because this house is absolutely uncool, I doubt you’ll find it particularly refreshing. We return once again to the great state of New Jersey, where our 1974 house comes to us from Morris County:
This uninspiring Colonial Revival boasts 5 bedrooms and 5.5 baths totaling just under 4,000 square feet. It can be yours for $1.2 million USD. (Recession? What recession?)
While you might not think this house is particularly bad or ugly, it does show some interesting signs of houses to come, especially a decade later. There is a clear break with the Colonial Revival aesthetics seen in earlier Bicentennial-era houses like our first yearbook house from 1970. This house consolidates its core features into one much larger, and proportionally awkward center mass which has been supplied with two wings. The saving grace is that the wings are not included in the same roofline as the center mass. If you look at the house as a single unit rather than as three separate units, you can begin to see how un-elegant (despite its symmetry) this long, squat, massing really is. This is something that will only become more pronounced as masses are further integrated into a single roofline in so-called Colonial Revival houses of the McMansion-era.
Anyways, onto the house.
Proto-Lawyer Foyer
I hate to disappoint you, but this house was redecorated sometime in the late 90s and is not a time capsule house. However, there are still elements that give away its true age. This foyer is still very much the squat, one-story foyer found in most proto-McMansions from the 1970s, despite being neutral-colored to death.
Dining Room
Curating the most sterile dining experience imaginable in the age of Coronavirus is truly an accomplishment. Also what exactly do you call wall painting that is not a mural and is vaguely attempting to augment reality? Wall effects?? Also it’s not a fresco??? Fauxcore???
Kitchen
Theoretically, a kitchen ceiling fan doesn’t sound like a bad idea, but they’re not exactly common fixtures. Also my mom had those exact same barstools when we were growing up (in the 90s).
Sunroom
I’m absolutely a conspiracy guy for furniture. The white kitchen is insider trading between HGTV, Home Depot and Clorox. Why else would the messiest room in the house be made entirely white if not for selling cleaning supplies? Wake up sheeple.
Office (?)
Also I want to take the time to point out: > million dollar house > baseboard heating > wyd
Master Bedroom
Every decade since the 70s thinks they’ve reinvented shabby chic. You have not.
Master Bathroom
I don’t know why I find the toilet position here to be so awkward. The toilet is like “don’t mind me i’m just chillin”
Bedroom 2
I’m absolutely losing my mind at this curtain/blind/bottom curtain (?) combo!!! In what world!!!!
Alright, that’s enough fun for today, it’s time to head back outside into the pre-summer heat.
Rear Exterior
This is the rare McMansion where the rear exterior is less logical than the front exterior. This house is absolutely stacked in the back. Despite this, I cannot help but feel like every party thrown here has been extremely lame.
Anyways, that does it for 1974! Check back later this month for the next installment of the Brutalism Post! Stay safe everyone!
I know that these are economically uncertain times, but many creators including myself depend on Patreon for most of their income, so if you have a minimum of $12/year to spare and are into bonus content, then do I have some good news for you:
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, weekly drawings, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Howdy, folks! I come to you with a special salve to soothe the ache of social isolation and general societal turmoil: a particularly cursed house. Our 1973 house comes to us from Jackson County, Michigan, and, frankly, if you put the term “1973″ into an ugly house generator, this is most certainly what would come out:
What we have here is a classic “Mansard” style house, named for exaggerated form of the type of roof (the mansard), a variation of hipped roof characterized by a steep slope punctured by dormer windows extending into or forming another story. This subgenre of house was popular in the 1960s and 70s, especially so in the Pacific Northwest and in vacation towns around the country. This lovely estate is currently on the market for around $800,000, and boasts a remarkable 6 bedrooms and 5.5 baths.
Lawyer Foyer
This house is what is colloquially referred to as a “time capsule” house in that it literally has not been touched since 1973, the year it was built. There are several interesting 70s motifs here, including the wallpaper and carpeting. We have an early example of a fully-formed “lawyer foyer” - a full two-story entryway featuring a curved or otherwise showy staircase and a chandelier that can be seen from the outside via a transom window larger than the door above which it sits. The furnishings are original; note the intricate, heavy front door featuring Orientalist motifs that were particularly popular in the 1970s. That being said, it’s ugly.
Dining Room?
During the 1970s, Colonial Revival furnishings and architectural motifs were especially popular due to the influence of the American Bicentennial, which was apparently a huge deal. In general, there was a lot of brown furniture that was very heavy because people wanted to buy one piece of furniture that would last until they died. This was because Ikea was not yet a thing. (In all seriousness, there is a great Collector’s Weekly article about this.)
Kitchen
Honestly, this is probably one of the better kitchens on this website, and it’s interesting to see such a modern-styled decor in a house that, despite its contemporary exterior is otherwise rife with traditionalist decor.
Wet Bar
As far as McMansion wine bars go, at least this one somewhat approaches a weird architectural metaphor for, like, deconstructivist philosophy or something else people in graduate school study.
Master Bedroom
One has to applaud the photographer for their artistic decision to make every room in this house look as cursed as possible. Also: apparently the sunroom later on in this post is what’s behind the bed, which is very, very strange.
Master Bathroom
My question is: how is this room simultaneously grey, brown, and beige all at the same time. Scholars around the world are baffled.
Sunroom (behind bed for some reason)
I don’t know what one does in a space like this? It’s behind the wall of the master bedroom, so it’s not a public-facing space. There are no plants or books or other activities. There is just brown furniture, weighing heavy on my isolation-addled brain.
Basement Bar
Ok, so these folks really enjoyed drinking. We all used to laugh at people who had bars in their house but now that all the bars are closed, who is laughing now?? (It’s me, I’m still laughing.)
That does it for the interior - now, our favorite part:
Rear Exterior
Personally, as ugly as elements of this house are, I definitely see it as one of the most fascinating to ever end up on this blog. I kind of have a soft spot for houses like this, simply because they are so strange. Anyways, speaking of strange architecture, stay tuned for another installment of the Brutalism Post coming soon! Stay safe and be well!
I know that these are economically uncertain times, but many creators including myself depend on Patreon for most of their income, so if you have a minimum of $12/year to spare and are into bonus content, then do I have some good news for you:
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
Howdy folks, and by howdy I mean howdy, because this time our McMansion Hell yearbook house is in the 9th circle of McMansion Hell itself, Denton County, Texas! Sitting at a cozy 4900 square feet, this 4 bedroom/4 bath abode could be all yours for a cool $1.13 million!
In case you’re wondering what’s going on architecturally here (i.e. everyone reading this), this house is a combination of a two-story Spanish Colonial Revival (right) with a 1970s shed-style house (left) all converging in a fully formed lawyer foyer (center). The result is, well, weird. Let’s continue.
Lawya Fawya
Unlike our earlier 1970s houses, you can see that this one has had quite a bit of renovation, likely in the early 2000s. However, some classic things still come to mind, namely the spackled stucco walls and staircase, which are likely original to the 70s. My guess would be that a lot of that center wall has been taken out in the 2000s-2020s drive to Take Every Possible Interior Wall Out.
Living Room
As you can see, this house is very large and mostly empty - this room probably had more of a den feel originally and was probably divided up in some way. The ceilings are their original 1970s height (low).
Unidentified Gathering Space
My favorite part of this room is the fact that they couldn’t quite round out the window corners. Curves are hard.
Kitchen
Frankly, even with the weird pot storage, this is probably the most sane kitchen in McMansion Hell history (a rare success; a glimmer of hope in a time of great darkness.)
Master Bedroom
That TV is an entire football field away from the bed which is a great metaphor for my attitude towards being on social media during the, you know, whole global pandemic and economic collapse thing that’s going on.
Master Bathroom
Ok OK I’m done with the social distancing jokes!!!!!!
Bedroom 2
That bed in that room is how it feels living a tiny studio apartment with my husband and my dog during a time of great uncertainty!!
Rec Room
I would love to see some statistics on what percentage of home gym equipment ends up on craigslist. My guess is at least half - working out at home is awkward and hard (source: I don’t do it.)
Ok Ok we’re now ready to enter the best (read: worst) room in this house, which I have duly saved for last.
“Theatre Room”
Alternatively this is how a pizza feels when they put it in one of those brick ovens at those overpriced restaurants.
That’s all for inside, let’s head back out.
Rear Exterior
Yeah I don’t actually know how something like this happens, architecturally speaking. It’s like the house version of mismatched socks and also both the socks have a hole in the toe and smell bad.
Anyways that does it for 1972 - join us soon for 1973, which is truly a doozy - thanks to the folks on the McMansion Hell Patreon stream who submitted it!
I know that these are economically uncertain times, but many creators including myself depend on Patreon for most of their income, so if you have a minimum of $12/year to spare and are into bonus content, then do I have some good news for you:
There is a whole new slate of Patreon rewards, including: good house of the month, an exclusive Discord server, monthly livestreams, a reading group, free merch at certain tiers and more!
