50 States of McMansion Hell: Bernalillo County, New Mexico
Hello Friends! I’m at that stage of moving where all of my boxes are in my new house, yet remain to be unpacked. Needless to say, I’ve been recycling the same three outfits for a while now.
My favorite part about houses in the desert is that they’re painted dull colors in some vague attempt to “integrate with the landscape” but fail miserably because they are conspicuously huge as heck.
Today’s house, built in 2002, boasts 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, totaling around 6,300 square feet. It can be your desert oasis for just under $1.3 million dollars!
Lawyer Foyer
Perhaps my favorite thing about so many houses in New Mexico is that they drift into very iffy Native American cultural appropriation territory, but fail miserably and end up imitating an Olive Garden instead.
Great Room
“Yes, guests, this is totally a restaurant! The consuming space is totally separate and not visible from the preparation space!” It’s a pretty awkward place to have a bar, tbh.
Kitchen
Mockery aside, why aren’t ceiling mounted cabinets more popular, especially in small kitchens? It seems like a clever way to add extra shelf space!
Dining Room
Calling it now, take the dining table out and this is totes vaporwave.
Master Bedroom
Can’t tell if this room is gold or not, please advise.
Master Bath
I’ve never been rich and divorced before, so I have no idea if rich person divorce involves chandeliers or not, but it seems logical to me that chandeliers would be involved in some way.
Bedroom 2
I laugh, but I’ve owned that same ottoman.
Football Kitchen Office
This room puts the multi in multipurpose. Also MP3 Jukeboxes are analogous to those old-school phone handsets you plug into the headphone jack of your cellphone.
Bathroom 2
Antique Slime is your free Band Name of the Week!
Okay folks, we’re about to wrap up, but I couldn’t not include the room that made me pick this house in the first place. Prepare yourselves for…
(In a sinister voice): Child’s Lair
THE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST FIREPLACE IS NEXT LEVEL
Alright, time for our favorite and final part:
Rear Exterior
Why is half of the rear of the house “Mediterranean” and half of it Adobe Photoshop? Why is there astroturf on one part but grass on the other? Why are there so many dining sets?
Well, that does it for this week’s McMansion! Stay tuned this weekend for a special Looking Around where I examine the history of…moving! Have a great rest of the week!
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