50 States of McMansion Hell: Clark County, Nevada
VIVA, LAS VEGAS! and by VIVA, I mean take a cold shower to try and forget the horribleness of the county with one of the highest recession-time foreclosure rates in the US.
Am I the only one who stared directly into the eclipse so as to never have to see the color beige again? Well, it didn’t work and now all I see instead are these strange MLS watermarks lingering on every image:
This esteemed 1998 estate tops out at 6 bedrooms and 6.5 baths, totaling a reasonable 6700 square feet! It can be all yours for just under $1.4 million USD!
THE MOST ABSURD OF LAWYER FOYERS
Great Room
One wonders what Foucault would have to say about the bronze bars on the “clerestory” windows? (idk prolly something about sex.)
Also I’m pretty sure the interior of every toxic house in The Big Short is actually this color. Too bad it clashes with the neighbor’s frat-boy-pink house…
Dining Room
describing wallpaper as “feckless” is extremely on brand for me.
The juxtaposition of the tile and the nasty shag carpet is reads to me: “how great these people think this house is vs how great it actually is”
(Deeply inhales) the…kitchen
The above statement is unfortunately insulting to both old cartoons and Old Bay. For this, I sincerely apologize.
I literally just came back from Paris, France and can confirm that people no longer dress like it’s 1904, nor do they hunt metal plates for sport, displaying their kills proudly in their dining areas. I am sorry to have ruined these common beliefs about the people of France. Also, shocker to these folks: Pepe Le Pew is, in fact, not real.
Living Room
Every time I see sofas like that, I think of the scenes in Mad Men, where Pete Campbell attempts to smarmy his way into some deal in some smokey country club, which, in fact, discomforts me because Pete Campbell sucks.
Master Bedroom
Fun Fact: Beige, not black, is actually the color of existential dread.
Master Bath
Damn, shoulda called the tub setup deconstructed instead of disembodied so I could get just one more jab at postmodern architecture in there.
Bedroom?
Why are all these doors glass? Where is the pool table that should inevitably be somewhere in this house? Many questions go unanswered, friends. We must accept that sometimes this life is one of mystery.
Office?
For some reason, I’m picturing a man in a top hat and monocle, sneering into a cigar, muttering something about “it’s my money, MY money, see.” I mean, it’s not a difficult conjecture seeing as:
money = green
walls = green
Speaking of cartoonish imagery, did you know Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is actually about urban planning mogul Robert Moses? Don’t worry: You can thank me later for intruding into your peaceful lives to recontextualize films you once naively enjoyed as children.
Finally, our last stop:
Rear Exterior
Pools in the desert make sense because the desert is hot and dry, but pools in the desert simultaneously do not make sense because the desert just so happens to be, I don’t know, the desert.
That’s it for Las Vegas, friends! Join me this Sunday for a guide to Identifying Rowhouses (better late [my bad] than never!) and next week for our New Hampshire McMansion!
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