Hello friends! I just realized I forgot to tell everyone that I wasn’t going to post this Sunday in order to catch up on work in preparation for finals. 

I hope to make up for it with this very sad house. 

Some houses require lots of creative backstories to make them fun because they are so boring. This house was so pathetic and sad that I really didn’t need to add many jokes about existential dread, late capitalist irony, or divorce. It kind of speaks for itself. 

To give you an idea, this is the most positive picture in the bunch:

This…house, built in 1995, boasts a whopping 5 beds and 6 bathrooms - and can be yours for around $700,000 dollars. Shall we?

Great Room (no foyer pics, sadly)

I told you it was depressing. There’s really no hope for that particular shade of oak in today’s housing landscape. The only time you see wood in that color these days is in Bass Pro Shops and unfortunate log cabins. 

But it’s okay, because they HAVE 

THE DANKEST SITTING ROOM EVER

LOOK AT IT. Just…feast your eyes on its majesty.

Ok, back to the depressing:

Sitting Room 2

Okay, I’ve never seen drawers beneath a fireplace before. What could you store in them besides fire supplies that wouldn’t get super damaged? Also the placement of the fireplace is just…bizarre. I’m not a fire safety specialist but I am concerned. 

Dining Room

I don’t hate my family, but if we all had to sit in that room together, all bets are off. “Honey, will you pass the potatoes?” 
“No. No I won’t.”

This Kitchen

Also the stairs on the right are carpeted, and it’s ugly carpet. 

The Master Bed

I kind of get the high ceiling thing if this is the alternative. $700k and y’all can’t spring for something better? At least the trim is white. 

Master Bath

“Brown is an earthy color, warm and inviting. One can definitely not draw comparisons between brown and a common bathroom function.”
- The Lowes Bathroom Decoration Book, 2004 Edition, probably 

Also I went with the wholesome meme™ his and hers joke just to cheer everyone up a bit during these hard times invoked by having to look at this insufferable place. 

Bedroom 2

My gosh this is sad. 

Bathroom 2

That window roof access came real handy Jimmy’s sophomore year of high school. 

Bedroom 3

will the sun ever come? 

Downstairs

I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. 

Bar

Suburban alcoholism is especially depressing because it’s a 30 minute car ride to and from the nearest liquor store so you have extra time to be alone with your self-loathing thoughts. 

THAT IS SO DARK!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS HOUSE IS DOING TO ME????

Eldritch space

I personally would have killed to have been that unsupervised as a kid. 

Finally (finally) our favorite part:

Rear Exterior

This just defies logic. DEFIES IT. 

Anyways, that’s it for Iowa! I will actually post my Sunday post this Sunday, so get ready for some good time 18th century architectural theory. Also, join me next Wednesday for Kansas! 

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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2017 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)