Cook County, IL
Hello Friends! Yesterday was my last day of school before exams, a generally hectic time. This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion (Friday Edition) comes to us from the home of some of America’s most beautiful architecture, and the city of Chicago: Cook County, IL.
Man, for all the incredible buildings in Cook County, y’all have some real doozies. It was a hard decision this week, especially because y’all have some of the most impressive vintage 80s interiors in history. But since I secretly like that stuff, I opted for something a little more…bland and ugh.
This 1991 treasure is a whopping 7,000 square feet and selling for close to 2 million USD. Without further ado:
The Cathedral of Wasted Space
My suspicion is that Martha Stewart’s grandmother decorated this house.
Sitting Room One
How much does vintage chintz go for on Etsy these days?
Sitting Room Two
That weird fake/whitewashed “bamboo” furniture is an interesting interior design phenomenon not looking to make a comeback anytime soon.
Sitting Room Three
The bonus of that maple/whitewashed furniture is that you can’t really tell when it’s been sunbleached.
Kitschy Kitchen
On another note, how many white countertops like this are even left in the world?
The Master Bedroom
Dream Job: vintage wallpaper designer. The goal is to make a room look as unsettled and busy as possible
The Master Bathroom
How much water do you think it takes to get that shower room sufficiently warm? Also the dedication to matching throughout this house is definitely to be admire. My socks don’t even match today.
Bedroom Two
((POLITICAL JOKE)) ((APOLOGIES))
Bathroom Two: Revenge of the Tub
Sorry mom about the kitchen comment - I’m actually nostalgic for those simpler times with more complex wallpaper. Also sorry bout that tub comment; I’m a little nihilistic these days, as is every college/grad student in the country right now.
Bedroom Three
Long since gone are the days where our wall art coordinated with our matching lamps and carpet. Simpler times, my friends.
Sad Upstairs Oddly-Shaped Dumping Ground
I think I have that Pottery Barn catalog somewhere.
Even Sadder Basement
Lonely Hearth just wants someone home for Christmas. :(
Finally, our favorite and final part of the tour:
Rear Exterior
I find the landscaping more pleasant than the house.
Well that does it for this week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion! Fair warning: Sunday’s post might be postponed due to the end of the year exams. Then, it’s winter break and boy do we have some goodies for you, including a McMansion Hell Hall of Shame.
If you like this post, and want to see more like it (plus get cool swag like stickers and exclusive content), consider supporting me on Patreon! Not into recurring donations? Check out the McMansion Hell Store - 30% goes to charity.
Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
