Hello friends! This week’s Certified Dank™ McMansion is well worth the wait. Every so often I come across a house that is so baselessly tacky, I wonder if the inhabitants have seen what rooms are supposed to look like on TV, like, ever. 

Though it might be tame from the outside (by tame I mean clandestinely ugly but surrounded by pretty trees), this 5 bedroom 7 bathroom house, built in 1993, is definitely full of interesting…things. And they all can be yours for 3.3 million dollars!

Obligatory Foyer

Seriously, the weird wood-floor clad nook above the front door is a crime against logic - you can’t get to it without a 14 foot ladder, and it will perpetually tempt your stupid children to try without one. 

Can I get that piano mural as a tattoo, because it’s just 2 real and 2 perfect.

The “Great” Room

I don’t have enough friends to fill like half of these seats. 

Also that itty bitty step is a total trip hazard.

Dining Room 1

If Dolores Umbridge were a room, she would be this room. 

Certified Awesome 90s Kitchen 

I swear, I’m having flashbacks about being in Walmart as a young child and getting lost in the bra department and all the bras had the same patterns as these walls and seat cushions and I really just wanted to get back to my mom who was literally around the corner but kids don’t logic real good so I just sat there crying and

Dining Room 2

“Cute 90s Upcycled T-Shirt Custom Fabric Hand Made” ($56)

TV LAIR

Little would they know that their posh setup would be rendered obsolete with the widespread adoption of Picture In Picture circa 2001. 

Sketchy Home Office

The wallpaper is especially sketchy.

It’s not like everyone who went to college in the last 5 years hasn’t been harassed by Vector Marketing at the beginning of every semester or anything. 

Master Bedroom

So how come the night stands have granite countertops but not the kitchen cabinets??

Master Bathroom

Sadly, the only bathroom visible in the listing. 

(Looks in Mirror) 
(X-Files Theme Plays)

I wish America would adopt the bidet, bc they are a dream. 

 Bedroom 2

I think I stayed at this hotel once. 2.5/5 stars. 

Bedroom 3

Special shoutout to my Patreon donors for enabling me to buy a drawing tablet, which I think is paying off handsomely. 

Hella Scary Solitary Confinement Room 

Should I call someone? Should I be concerned? 

The DANKEST Basement Complex Ever

It’s probably actually dank in the not so good way, too. 

I’m seriously impressed by this wine stash, which I doubt was decimated on Election Day, unlike mine. (POLITICAL JOKE)

On second thought, this is a really successful imitation of a 90s Golden Corral. 

And finally, we’re at that special point where we take a look at the rear elevation: 

Well, that’s it for Oakland County, which has a surprising amount of Late Modern houses, and speaking of Late Modernism - stay tuned for Sunday’s What the Hell is Modern Architecture THE CONCLUSION: Late Modernism. 

If you like this post, and want to get access to cool features like the McMansionHell Bingo Cards I’m about to drop and the first round of collectable stickers (designs below), consider supporting me on Patreon!

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.