Great Falls, VA
Hello friends! Today is the day of my TEDxMidAtlantic rehearsal, and I am in a Starbucks writing this post dressed in full PoMo regalia. (I’m talking 1000% clothed in David Bowie’s Furniture just so I can make one joke about not being the gatekeeper of good taste.)
Speaking of Postmodernism, it’s gonna be Postmodernism Week on McMansionHell! As you will see on Sunday, Postmodernism has a lot to do with McMansions and other tenants of our sprawl-based built environment. I don’t want to jump the gun on that yet, but let’s just say this wonderful estate is a teaser of things to come. Got questions? Don’t worry. All will be explained.
This amazing testament to the fact that maybe architects actually had some impact on the design of our suburban houses after a, like, 50 year hiatus during which they were prancing around in glass-box-land was built in 2000, is on the market for over $2,000,000 and has no fewer than 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms
And all of them are amazing. Let’s begin.
The Front Entry
Judging by the numerous attempts to cover up the seemingly endless white tile floor, the homeowners realized that it was probably a bad decision. Seriously nothing is colder on your feetsies than stone tile.
The Sitting Room
I hesitate to call this a living room because it looks too much like my last dentist’s waiting room. (I wish I had dental insurance again, oh god)
The OTHER Sitting Room
The Other OTHER Sitting Room
There better be butts in at least half of these chairs at any given time or the engineer in me is going to be peeved at the lack of efficiency.
The Dining Room!
Phew! At least it isn’t another…
…Sitting Room
One has to admire their dedication to total grandmotherliness.
The Kitchen!
Something something joke about that song about that lighting fixture
The…oh for ****’s sake
RIP Best Western (1986-2000) it is maybe a Crackle Barrel or something now who knows. Also, the splayed geometry of this room is probs very good for it’s acoustics! Yay!
The Master Bedroom
I am p peeved when real estate listings only have one or two bedrooms out of y’know 7.
And, of course…
The Master Bathroom
I think that weird light thing is from whatever the 80s equivalent to Pinterest is.
The Reject Bedroom
is v sad
I want that party bed please and thank
The Designated Alcohol Space™
Normalizing addiction since circa 1980.
That painting is really messing me up. Like, I know y’all trying to look like your lives were spent collecting priceless european replicas from the Frontgate catalog or whatever but of all the paintings to hang in your bar…
Finally, we conclude our tour with a marvelous rear photo.
Thanks for sticking around for this post even though it was late n stuff. Stay tuned for Sunday’s bit about Postmodernism, and wish me luck for my TEDx talk tomorrow!
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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Redfin.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107.
